Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2009

2009 is tomorrow! Can you believe it?

I made a Blessing Jar for myself yesterday. This was fun to do, I hope other people decide to make one too!

Now for the numerology of 2009-

2009 adds up to 11, which a lot of people wouldn't break down because 11 is a 'master number'. I prefer to break it down, sticking to the idea that the numbers 1-9 are the basis for numerology. So 2009 is a 2 year.

Everyone is going to interpret numbers differently, but the way I view it is that 2009 will be a year for teamwork. 2008 was a 1 year, a year for new beginnings and ideas. The 2 year is a way to make those new ideas possible. Collaborating to make a project successful is better than trying to run the show on your own, input will be more helpful. This is just a general idea for 2009.

A personal year is how the year applies to you. It is the month and day of your birth plus the year you want to know about. For me that is 12+14+2009. My personal year is a 1 for 2009. It seems appropriate, because that means new beginnings, leadership, and possibly travel. I am going to be taking more of a lead on my life soon. I am going to get my license, graduate high school, and go to college. The travel even applies, because the college I am going to is in the next state over. I have never lived anywhere else but the town I live in now, so that is definitely travel for me!

If you want to calculate your own personal year for 2009 I told you how above. A good place to find the meanings for the number (if you don't own a book on numerology or already have a favorite website) would be here.

Everyone have a great New Year!! =D

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Wreck This Journal Is Back!

I have been neglecting my WTJ for a while! xD I don't know if I just didn't feel like doing it, or if I had other things to do, but I dug it out of my bag today. It's such a fun book to work on, I can't believe I left it alone for so long. I gave one to my frined Amy and she immediately loved it. Amy is the most creative person I know; all she seems to do is draw. The doodles she can make in a minute are something I would have to work on for hours. The book was the perfect thing to give her.
Anyway, here are the pictures!




I've been collecting these stickers since I got the book. This is one of my favorite pages.

Mmm... Cucumber Melon. =) It doesn't mix well with the smell of paper and ink though!

Monday, December 29, 2008

2009 Is Almost Here!

I've had my two lazy days off, now I need to get to working on everything else that needs to be done! In reality it really isn't much. I have a 3 page paper I need to write about WWI and a scholarship to work on. Those are the only things I need to do. There's a ton of things that go into my want to do list,though. This list is long! Reading, sewing, watching a movie, blogging, etc. xD All the fun stuff.

2009 is only a few days away! There is so much I want/ plan to do. It's going to be a busy year. -Finish scholarships & FAFSA- Get my license- Graduate High School- Go to college- Learn to cook better food- Learn to sew- Make a quilt- Be HAPPY! =)

Later today or tomorrow I'm going to start looking into 2009 from a numerological point of view. Numerology was one of the first things I got interested in, and I have fun with it. I'll post about it when I'm done!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas!

My Christmas was great! We were supposed to be having a smaller Christmas this year so we have more money when we go to Disney World in February (I still can't believe I get to see Disney World soon!) My mom went overboard as usual, though! I can't complain... I got the things I wanted. It's just hard to believe we can afford an extravagant Christmas, then Disney in February, and then my parents want to buy a house in the spring. I'm not going to even try to talk to my parents about their finances. They've worked their way up from the bankruptcy, so I am putting faith in them knowing what they're doing.

I hope other people had as good a holiday as I had! I have tons of kitchen supplies, towels, movies, and a sewing machine. I'm set for moving off on my own after (or during) college. The lunch at my aunt's house was delicious as usual. She does it every year, and every year we all stuff ourselves until we feel sick. Then, once we feel a bit better, we eat some more. xP



This is probably my favorite thing I got. My Aunt Jen made it for me. She knows I like tye-dye, and she knows I like pirates. How could it get any cooler than tye-dye pirate skulls?! Answer: it can't. I didn't feel the need to move the cat off my bed to take the picture, so I'll introduce her. She is one of our two cats. This one is Anastasia. She lays in that same spot on my bed almost every night.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Holidays!

I just read and commented on two days worth of posts, talk about time consuming, lol! I feel like I've probably said it a hundred times already to all of you in comments, but have a great holiday!

I have to thank Robyn for passing this awesome award on to me.



"This blog invests and believes in PROXIMITY, nearness in space and time of relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find friends and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers."

I will pass it on later. Thanks again, Robyn!

Last night I got my tattoo! It does not look like I imagined it would. The artist really made it unique and perfect. I love it. Two of my cousins went with me to get it, they held my hands and let me almost break their fingers. xP That's what family does, I guess.



Now comes the part where I need to make sure I put the A+D on it to keep it moist, and keep the fuzzies from my blankets and sweaters out of it. I woke up this morning to a fuzzy tattoo. xD It still hurts when I move a bit, but I expected that. I am so happy I finally got it.

Happy Holidays! Everyone enjoy themselves a bit lot! :)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Happy Winter Solstice!

Happy Winter Solstice! It is still snowing- and it doesn't show signs of stopping.



I kept busy on this snowy day. I baked 6 different kinds of cookies today! I am exhausted. Chocolate Chip, Sugar Cookies, Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter & Banana, Russian Tea Cakes, and Coconut Macaroons. They all came out great! Unfortunately it took me all day to make them.

Right now the smell of cinnamon is drifting thru the house. I am making ornaments out of pinecones my sister collected for me. All in all I think my day was well spent, even if I didn't write that paper for English class yet. Maybe I'll do that after I eat some dinner.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow...

It hasn't stopped snowing for almost two days now! Yesterday was the third snow day of the year for me. I can't believe how fast it's piling up. Apparently it's supposed to stop soon, start up again in the morning, and continue into Monday. Another snow day? That would be fine with me at this point! Unlike most schools, my school is making us go on Monday and Tuesday before letting us have our vacation.

Even with the bad roads, and they are pretty bad, my dad took me and three other people to Keene today so I could get my tattoo. We waited outside for 20 minutes before we called the number for the tattoo parlour to ask where they were. The person we talked to was extremely rude to us, so we left. We went to another parlour that my cousin suggested, and made an appointment. Hopefully I will have my tattoo soon!

My parents are at a work Christmas party, so I am going downstairs to watch a movie- like I was supposed to yesterday.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Watch Out For Creeps

Writing this post is the last thing I want to do right now. I’ve been pushing the thoughts out of my head all day. Not thinking about things, that’s what I’m good at. I am such a forgetful and oblivious person. Now that I am writing it, the tears have come back. I didn’t cry until my cousin did. That’s because I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t know what to think. I can barely figure out how to write this post. The more I think of it, the less I want to, but the more I know I should.

Last night I went grocery shopping with my cousin. There was a creep following us thru the store. I barely noticed, because I’m me. We get to the checkout line and the guy is still following us, while “adjusting his zipper”. He walks by me and touches my butt. I get annoyed and freaked out. My cousin is even more so. She is more like a big sister; she’s always protected me. She knew what he did, while I was still oblivious to the fact that he had wiped something on me. We go to the service desk and complain about this person, he walks back thru the store and seems to be looking for us. We get someone to walk us to the car, and we go back to her house where I change into a pair of her pants.

Woke up this morning and got ready for school (which turned out to be pointless, since we ended up with a snow day). Dani, my cousin, couldn’t sleep last night. She got to work and broke down thinking of what could have happened. It could have been a little kid. She thinks of the things I refuse to. She works with my mom, so she told my mom. Then she comes to my house and tells me that we need to go talk to the police. She explains to me all of her fears and the nightmares she had. I break down and cry. I feel so selfish. Sure, I’m okay, but what if that creep goes after a little kid next time?

So my parents, my cousin, and I went to the police today. I feel more freaked out about this now than I did last night. I am okay, until it comes to talking about it. It’s one of those things I just want to forget about and move on. Having everyone worry about me is not something I like. I don’t like needing people to protect me, or trying to be nice because I’m ‘fragile’. Then, time and time again, whenever something goes wrong- that is what happens.

This is not something anyone wants to think about, especially this close to the holidays. I am only posting this for the same reason I went to the police today. To make sure some creep doesn’t hurt some little kid next time. Many of you, my blog friends, have children. I do not want to see one of you posting that some creep went near your kid.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Snow!

We had a real snow day today! I wish I had gotten a picture of the snow before it got dark, but I was running around all day. I cleaned the house (which is messed up again by now), made oatmeal cookies (they came out great), made Russian tea cakes (which didn't come out too great), and made dinner (which I didn't like).

It might sound like I'm being negative, but I actually had a pretty good day. I expect the house to get messed up, I know what we did wrong with the Russian tea cakes, and I just won't use that recipe for dinner again. I also got some homework done, and my sister collected pine cones for me so we can make ornaments for people.

I'm glad to get back to school tomorrow, I don't really like staying at home all day like this. I'm going to go nuts during the winter break, which goes from Dec. 23 to Jan. 5 this year. I love the snow, it makes the world outside look beautiful. It can stay for X-mas and then leave, though! If we get too many snow days it shoves back our graduation date. I think the magic number is three, and we've had two within a week's time. Plus, I hear there's more snow coming on Friday. I'm watching movies all day if that happens! xD

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Thank You's and an Award

I just want to thank you all for the wonderful birthday wishes you have been giving me! I used to think I would never have a blog because I would have nothing to blog about, and I was afraid that no one would read it. I was proved wrong when I found some of the most wonderful people online. (All of you.) You've given me support and helped me on my journey.

I'm only 18, and my journey is far from over! I'm so used to being patronized because I'm only a teenager. It's nice to come online and have people(adults) treat me like I'm not a little kid. Thank you for that as well.

And last, but not least, I want to thank Kavindra, who has given me this wonderful friendship blog award.



The blurb that goes along with it is:

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

I tried to look around before I chose, but I'm sorry if any of you have already received this award. If so you can just ignore this. Same goes if you just don't have time to do it. I want to pass this on to:

Ali, whose blog I just found on the full moon.

Bohemian Single Mom, who I think is creative, strong, and absolutely brilliant.

Mrs. B. , an amazing woman who somehow does it all!

Robyn, whose blogs are an inspiration.

And everyone else who reads my blog, feel free to take this! Like I said above, you've all been so wonderful.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Poem

Today in AP English we were assigned to read the poem The Naked and the Nude by Robert Graves for homework. Some of the boys start laughing at the title. I am the discussion director for this poem, so I'm thinking "Oh great, tomorrow people are going to be snickering all while we're trying to talk." I know they will, some people are so immature. It's a good poem, though, so I want to share it.

The Naked and the Nude

For me, the naked and the nude
(By lexicographers construed
As synonyms that should express
The same deficiency of dress
Or shelter) stand as wide apart
As love from lies, or truth from art.

Lovers without reproach will gaze
On bodies naked and ablaze;
The Hippocratic eye will see
In nakedness, anatomy;
And naked shines the Goddess when
She mounts her lion among men.

The nude are bold, the nude are sly.
To hold each treasonable eye.
While draping by a showman's trick
Their dishabille in rhetoric,
They grin a mock-religious grin
Of scorn at those of naked skin.

The naked, therefore, who compete
Against the nude may know defeat;
Yet when they both together tread
The briary pastures of the dead,
By Gorgons with long whips pursued,
How naked go the sometime nude!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I'm Gonna Miss This

Today, I'm 18! I have had a great birthday. Last night I slept over at my cousin's so we could bake my cake, and she had a surprise for me when I got there. She made me the coolest thing I have ever seen- a tye dye cheesecake. It was the best cheesecake I have ever had! We baked a double layer marble cake to go along with it. The cake is a box mix, but the frosting is our home made family recipe. It’s so sweet, that you can’t eat all the frosting on your piece of cake. It’s worth trying to do, but I never have been able to eat it all. I was feeling so sick by the end of my party because I had had nothing but sugary things all day. xD



This is the amazing cheesecake. The colors are so bright, Sam said she had to use a lot of food coloring. It tastes great, though.



My cousin wrote on the cake, because she said you're not allowed to write your own happy birthday. The message should give you an idea of what my family is like. xP

It’s so great that I got to spend this time with my family today. I’ll be at college next year, so this is probably my last family birthday party for at least a few years. I’m gonna miss this. I really am. It's been a good day, though, so I'm happy.

Here is Trace Adkins' video for his song You're Gonna Miss This.


Saturday, December 13, 2008

Walkin In a Winter Wonderland



Today, on our way to Keene, we saw this. No one had a camera, so we ended up going back to take pictures! I can't believe how beautiful it is. This is what that freezing rain did yesterday. It totally missed most of my town, but this is just outside it.

Tomorrow is my birthday! While in Keene we set up an appointment for next Saturday so I can get my tattoo. Tomorrow we are going to my Aunt's house so my cousin and I can bake a cake. The really good part is the home made frosting. We have a family recipe for it, and it is awesome! I wish I didn't have to wait for tomorrow. xD

Friday, December 12, 2008

Poem & WTJ

I traced my hands today for my Wreck This Journal. They didn't turn out as good as I wanted, but it was still fun.


We read Snow by Louis Macneice a few days ago in class. With our sort of snow day today I decided to share it. No one in my class could quite decide what the last line of the poem meant.

Snow

The room was suddenly rich and the great bay-window was
Spawning snow and pink roses against it
Soundlessly collateral and incompatible:
World is suddener than we fancy it.
World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural. I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.
And the fire flames with a bubbling sound for world
Is more spiteful and gay than one supposes–
On the tongue on the eyes on the ears in the palms of your hands–
There is more than glass between the snow and the huge roses.

Yule Themed Dreamboard

Snow Day With No Snow

We have our snow day! Unfortunately, there's no snow. All we have is freezing rain. It doesn't make the world look beautiful, but it did get me a three day weekend. I'm still calling it a snow day because "freezing rain day" just doesn't sound as good. I am celebrating this snow day by sitting around in my PJ's all morning and then cleaning all afternoon. I didn't actually go off and clean the house like I said I would yesterday, because my mom came home and I got caught up in other things. Then I watched The Science of Sleep with my sister. It is the strangest movie I have ever seen. I liked it, and I would watch it again, but it confused me.

I said I would share the paper I wrote for my mythology class when I got it back. I got it back yesterday and made the corrections- so here it is! We were asked to write about our favorite myth or mythological being.

Dionysus, God of Wine
Dionysus, also called Bacchus, is a very complex god. It begins with his birth. He is the only god to have a mortal parent. He is also called “twice-born” because he was born from Zeus’ thigh after his mother, Semele, demanded that Zeus reveal himself to her and consequently died. Zeus gave the infant Dionysus to a group of nymphs to be raised.

He became the god of wine. This seems appropriate, as it makes him even more complex. Wine can be both good and bad. Wine cheers people, but it also makes them drunk. Thus, Dionysus is a joyful, but also savage god. His double nature makes him beneficent and malevolent. At one time, he can make men merry and free; in another, drunk and brutal.

When people worship him, they do not go to a temple or to the wilderness, they go to a theatre. Beautiful poetry and plays have been written for Dionysus. The performances are considered sacred, and everyone involved in them engaged in an act of worship. He is a god of inspiration. Some comedies, and many tragedies, were written in honor of Dionysus.

Though his worshippers do not gather in wilderness to honor Dionysus, he is connected to the land in a way only a few others can relate to. As the god of the vine, he suffers with it. In winter, he dies and is reborn with the warmer weather. It is not surprising that Dionysus became a symbol for the strange cycles of death and rebirth.

His complexity and double nature made me pick Dionysus as my favorite mythological being. People can connect to him. No one is completely good or bad. We all bring happiness and tragedy to the world. I think of him as a hopeful and inspirational god, and a tragic brutal force.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Things Are Looking Up!

Early release today! Because the weather was getting bad (freezing rain) we got released from school a little early today. Not too much earlier for my whole bus, because some idiot had to throw things. The vice principal came onto the bus and wouldn't let us leave until someone confessed. So we waited for 15 minutes. No one was confessing. Finally, someone (I don't even think it was the person who did it) confessed to throwing the stupid toy and we got to go home.

So I've been home for over and hour and what have I accomplished- reading and commenting on blogs, and making my dreamboard. Tomorrow is the full moon and Sacred Suzie is doing her monthly dreamboard launching. It's a Gemini full moon, Suzie talked about it a bit on her blog.

We're all anticipating bad weather tonight, so I am keeping my fingers crossed for a snow day! A three day weekend on my birthday weekend, how perfect would that be? The only homework I have isn't due until the end of next week, so I doubt I'm even going to think about that. I am overall in a good mood. Time to go clean the house while listening to my music.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

5 A Day

Jamie tagged me for this meme called "five-a-day". It was started to encourage keeping mentally healthy.

Here are my top five things to do every day (or every week) to stay mentally healthy:
  • Blogging/ Journaling- Some people would put these as separate things, but for me they do the same. They allow me to release my thoughts and just write about whatever I want or need to write about. I find this really helpful when I am stressed or worrying. Lately I have felt that there aren't many people I can actually talk to about things, so blogging is important to me.
  • Indulging- I allow myself to eat a few unhealthy things a day during the school week. On the weekends I give myself more room to interpret what is 'healthy'. If I am constantly worrying about my food I can't get other things done. If I didn't try to control it though, I would pig out on junk food all the time like I did as a kid. I think of this as a happy medium for myself.
  • Listening to music/reading/watching TV- These are necessary! They let me relax and lose myself for a while. I can't imagine what I would be like if I didn't get to relax for even just a little while. I'd be a mess.
  • Cooking- I love cooking. At least once a week I like to be able to make a real meal. It makes me feel... I don't know how to describe it. Accomplished? Looking at a meal I have just put together makes me feel wonderful.
  • Making a mental list- I don't know if this is exactly good for me, but I always like to have a mental checklist of the things I need/want to do. If it gets overloaded, an alarm goes off and I start to feel like I did just a little while ago. That is when I need to take another look at the list and remind myself that it's all doable, and I'll be okay. If I didn't have this mental list I know I would be lost.

5 people I would like to tag for this-

  1. Mrs. B.
  2. Suzie
  3. Robyn
  4. Genie
  5. I am leaving this 5th spot open for whoever wishes to do this. I found it helpful to step back and look at what I actually do to help myself. I realized that I do most of those 5 things without even thinking about why.

Rant & WTJ

I feel myself reaching that point where I am about to start screaming and throwing things like a two-year-old. I am feeling so overwhelmed again. The house needs to be picked up before my dad wakes up or he’s going to yell, dinner needs to be made, homework, scholarships, blogging, preparing for this weekend, I just want to relax! My head is going to explode. I was just sitting trying to clear my head and not worry about the things I need to do, but they won’t go away! I keep thinking I’m forgetting something.

Last night I finally gave my Aunt the papers she needs to help me with for a scholarship. That is one weight off my shoulders, replaced with two more. I now need to worry about actually getting the letters of recommendation for another scholarship, and I feel bad for giving my Aunt more things to do when she’s already busy to the point where she should be pulling her hair out. I came home late because I was at her house, and I had to come home to doing AP English homework and writing a paper for my mythology class. (I think it came out pretty good, I’ll share it when I get the corrections back from my teacher.) Quick dinner, more working on the paper, quick shower, House! I got to relax for an hour and watch the new episode of House last night.

To be honest I love blogging, but I’m afraid it might get lost somehow once I finally get my license (I had to go and remind myself about that, didn’t I…) and get a job. I want to bang my head against a wall already, and I’m wondering how I’m going to balance everything later! Sorry for this long rant about nothing. It has sort of helped me, though.

Here is what I got to do to wreck my journal today! During study hall I just randomly picked a word and wrote it over and over. That is also where I borrowed Eric's awesome double sided pen. After deciding I was a little too stressed, I found the page in the third picture and unleashed all of it.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Poem

Today in class we read a beautiful poem by a woman named Joy Harjo. It was called Eagle Poem. It's about connecting with nature, and I really loved it. It is one of those poems that just speaks it's meaning loudly and clearly to me. Of course almost everyone in the class, teacher included, felt the need to poke fun at it for being so "hippyish".

Eagle Poem

To pray you open your whole self
To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon
To one whole voice that is you.
And know there is more
That you can't see, can't hear
Can't know except in moments
Steadily growing, and in languages
That aren't always sound but other
Circles of motion.
Like eagle that Sunday morning
Over Salt River.
Circles in blue sky
In wind, swept our hearts clean
With sacred wings.
We see you, see ourselves and know
That we must take the utmost care
And kindness in all things.
Breathe in, knowing we are made of
All this, and breathe, knowing
We are truly blessed because we
Were born, and die soon, within a
True circle of motion,
Like eagle rounding out the morning
Inside us.
We pray that it will be done
In beauty.
In beauty.

Wrecking My Journal

I had a lot of fun with these pages. I think the rubbings with a pencil came out looking awesome. Scribbling wildly and violently with reckelss abandon... now there is something everyone should do! I love this book more and more every day. It's really helping me to be more creative.


Sunday, December 7, 2008

Wreck This Journal

Today I did a few of the messier pages in Wreck This Journal! Two involved paint, and one required me setting the page on fire. I like fire, but it scared me a bit. I had a glass of water next to me that I used to make the page stop smoldering. I had fun doing these pages, though. In the second picture I used a twist tie and both ends of a fork to make the lines. I still have some paint on my fingers and desk from the third picture.

Decorations

Yesterday while babysitting we pulled out all of our Christmas decorations and decorated the house! It was so much fun to have Keagan (the little boy I babysit) help us put everything up. I went and took a few pictures of my favorite things today. 90% of the decorations are the same ones we have had since I was little. Christmas is very much about being together as a family for us, so it's nice that we can still use all the old decorations.
The first picture is of our tree. We have a fake one because it's less of a problem to put up, maintain, and take down. I would prefer a real one, I love the smell they give the whole house, but I'm not going to complain that there are no needles to clean up. A lot of the stuff on the tree is home made, or gifts from people.

These are the stocking my sister and I were given at birth. The hospital we were born at gives them to all babies born in December. They are HUGE. Mine is the one on the left with the white ribbon, my sister's is on the right and has a green ribbon.

This is LEON! We've had this for so long. It's a joke in our family. It's supposed to spell NOEL, but we always put it backwards.

There's the little tour of our holiday decorating. We don't put things out in the yard (who wants to take them down in the snow?), we don't have tons of garland everywhere, we don't have a wreath either. I've always wanted a wreath, but we forget to buy one every year. It isn't much, but I love what we do for our house.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Giving What I Can

Today was a busy day. I babysat until 11:30 last night and then woke up this morning and babysat again. After he left at 1:00 my Mom and I went shopping! I spent any money had just made. Wanna know what I spent it on? This:

It's all food and toys for those boxes at school. I feel so good about finally doing this! Through the years I have been raiding our cupboards for a few cans to put in the box. This year I spent a bunch of money and bought bags of food. My Mom did help, luckily, because I think I got a little carried away. I picked two of the kids off the list at school to buy for. One was a 16-year-old boy who wanted puzzles. That big box has 10 puzzles in it. I also got a book of word searches, sudoku, and cross word puzzles. The other was a 1 1/2 -year-old boy. I got him 5 coloring books and a big box of crayons. We have no clue who these toys are going to, but I hope whoever they are loves them.

After shopping, my mom and I went to Pizza Hut where we had a really fun dinner. There was a problem with something in the back so we ended up waiting an hour to get our food. It gave us time to talk and just hang out. It was nice. If it had been a whole family out to dinner thing, there would have been some yelling and we probably wouldn't have had such a nice conversation with our waitress. I am so tired now with all the running around. I didn't have the chance to wreck my journal today. Hopefully I will have time tomorrow in between doing the homework I haven't had time to do.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Updates & Wreck This Journal

Brrr! My cat is sick, so I am keeping my bedroom door shut do she doesn't throw up on my bed like last time she was sick. This means barely any heat is reaching my room. I don't like sitting up here in the cold. xD I'll be on this weekend, just not as much.

I will be babysitting tonight and tomorrow during the day. Hopefully I will get to go to Keene sometime this weekend. My school has adopted 6 needy families (20 kids) to buy toys for. I signed up to buy a couple of the gifts. We are also doing a feed the thousands box at school. All that food is going to help the community. And then we have a pet food box! I want to buy a few items for each of those boxes as well. It's nice to be able to help.
I've been wrecking my journal! I even wrapped a friend's gift in the page that said "Wrap something with this page" It was fun to decorate the paper. I'm finding that this journal is already helping me! I'm drawing and not caring if it's not perfect. I'm enjoying myself.




Because it's getting close to Christmas time In decided to draw a Christmas tree and some presents. It looks like something a 7-year-old would draw, but you should have seen how much fun I was having.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Poems

Today we had to read two poems. I didn't mind! The first was one that I have never read before, but I liked it very much. It says a lot about poets. The second was by Robert Frost, one of my favorites. I have an old copy of Collected Poems that was in my grandmother's basement. This poem makes me look forward to the soft and lovely snow. The world seems so beautiful and quiet in winter. We should be having a blanket of snow any day now!


Catch
by Robert Francis

Two boys uncoached are tossing a poem together,
Overhand, underhand, backhand, sleight of hand, everyhand,
Teasing with attitudes, latitudes, interludes, altitudes,
High, make him fly off the ground for it, low, make him stoop,
Make him scoop it up, make him as-almost-as possible miss it,
Fast, let him sting from it, now, now fool him slowly,
Anything, everything tricky, risky, nonchalant,
Anything under the sun to outwit the prosy,
Over the tree and the long sweet cadence down,
Over his head, make him scramble to pick up the meaning,
And now, like a posy, a pretty one plump in his hands.

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Wreck This Journal and More!

I didn't get the chance to do much to my journal yesterday, I did more doodling and coloring today. Here's the pictures!


Today is my little sister's birthday. Happy birthday, Tia! I can't believe she's 13. A friend at school told me she remembered when Tia was little and jumping up onto her back for a piggyback ride at my 13th birthday party. Wow! How did 5 years go by so fast?
I got what I ordered in the mail today! I ordered a couple presents for some friends from The Hunger Site. I can't post pictures or say what in case those friends decide to stop by my blog. There are amazing things you can buy off the Hunger Site, though. If you want to buy gifts for someone and help feed those in need, going there is a good option. What I received is the same quality (and price) as what I could buy at a store.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Poem!

Today's poem was Because I Could Not Stop For Death by Emily Dickinson.

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove,
he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school,
where children strove
At recess, in the ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

Or rather, he passed us;
The dews grew quivering and chill,
For only gossamer my gown,
My tippet only tulle.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.
Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.


I've mentioned before that she is one of my favorite poets. We were talking about her in class one day and someone mentioned something I think is absolutely hilarious. Almost every Emily Dickinson poem can be sung to "The Yellow Rose of Texas"! There is a YouTube video out there that shows this, but it isn't very good so I didn't want to post it. Every time I read an Emily Dickinson poem now, I hum it to "Yellow Rose of Texas" in my head.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Yay, A Poem!

We finally began reading poetry in my AP English class! We are assigned a poem to read every day. Most of the other kids in my class hate poetry, and think I'm nuts because I do. I decided that if I like the poem I'm going to post it here so you can read it, too. The best part of all this is that reading poetry will probably inspire me to write again.

Hope
by Lisel Mueller
It hovers in dark corners before the lights are turned on, it shakes sleep from its eyes and drops from mushroom gills, it explodes in the starry heads of dandelions turned sages, it sticks to the wings of green angels that sail from the tops of maples.
It sprouts in each occluded eye of the many-eyed potato, it lives in each earthworm segment surviving cruelty, it is the motion that runs the tail of a dog, it is the mouth that inflates the lungs of the child that has just been born.

It is the singular gift we cannot destroy in ourselves, the argument that refutes death, the genius that invents the future, all we know of God. It is the serum which makes us swear not to betray one another; it is in this poem, trying to speak.

December Is Here! And Wreck This Journal

And the countdown begins! December is such a busy month for everyone I think. My family just seems crazy! The 3rd is my sister's birthday (13 already!?), the 14th is mine (can't wait to finally get that tattoo), the 22nd is a friend of mine's birthday, then Christmas Eve (my favorite day of the year) and Christmas, then finally we have the New Year! There is so much energy and magic in the month of December, I can't help but love it. It's the best time to just sit and watch movies on TV. Sure you've seen all the Christmas movies before, but I know I can't help but watch them again.

I began wrecking my journal today. It was fun and heartbreaking. I almost cried when I bent the
cover. Of course my friend Amy thought I was nuts, but I've never done something like that to a book. Emeline agreed with me and almost had a heart attack when I bent it. They both helped by drawing poops all over my inside cover. I had fun coloring things in. You can't see much in the pictures, but I'm already grieving for this poor book. It's going to go through so much worse. The last picture is the This Book Belongs To page. I wrote my name 5 or 6 different times in different ways. Covered up are my address and phone number. Under them it says "* NOTE: IF FOUND, FLIP TO A PAGE RANDOMLY, FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS, THEN RETURN." We all laughed at it.
.
Enjoying this? I am! My friend Amy and my sister both want one now, so I know what to do for Christmas presents! I guess Keri Smith knew what she was doing when she thought this up. She has to be making a ton of money!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Quest Beyond The 28 Days

Soul Coaching has been a great experience! I know that what I learned in the past 28 days will stay with me. I can't put into words what I've learned from this. (I guess that means either I learned something that is actually indescribable, or I'm a crappy writer.) Anyway, I've had fun and let amazing people into my life. I hope a lot of these people decide to stay in touch. I plan to. I am subscribed to a bunch of blogs, and I need to go find a few more that I missed.

I will continue to listen and learn from the universe. I promise to shine and try my best to radiate that love I missed out on yesterday. I'm having a much better day today and my mood is back to normal. I plan on starting my new project tomorrow. I think it's going to be just as helpful as this past month has been. Good luck to everyone!

New Project! Wreck This Journal

Deep down we all have this little perfectionist who just yells and screams at us every time we do something and it's not just right. Mine gets annoying sometimes, and lately I just can't shut her up. I found this amazing book at Borders yesterday that I think may help me squash those negative perfectionist comments. It's probably going to be just as helpful as Soul Coaching has been.

Wreck This Journal is by Keri Smith. Inside there are instructions on every page for how to wreck the book. How she think of this idea? I really wish I knew. Here is a picture of my journal before I begin destroying it. One reason I know I need this project right now- I probably spent 10 minutes taking pictures because I wanted a perfect one. Luckily I got this one right before I started getting mad.
Anyone want to join me? I'd love the company! =) I'm probably going to do a page a day. I'll take pictures and post them here so you can see the destructive process. I'm excited for my new unexpected project. Let's see what I learn from it!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Last Day- Day 28

Soul Coaching is coming to a close! I'm having an off day so I am going to write my post before I go on to thank you's so you know why they might not sound as enthusiastic as I wish they would.

I don't know what's wrong. I am just not able to do today's exercise. It has nothing to do with the exercise, it's my mood. I feel so... empty. I'm looking at things but not really seeing them. I'm not really feeling anything. It's weird.

I want to open my heart of light and let it radiate out. I've done it before. When I do Free Hugs that is what it is like. I'm opening my heart and giving everyone warmth. Why can't I feel that way today? I keep closing my eyes and shaking my head hoping the empty feeling will just go away. It's still here, though. I think I need to revisit today's task at a later day.

What I find oddest is that I know what I should be feeling. Right now I should be feeling excited and happy. We went to Keene and I got an amazing book that I think is going to be just as helpful as Soul Coaching. It's called Wreck This Journal by Keri Smith. I should want to go and start on it right away. I sort of do, but at the same time I know I won't get much enjoyment out of it in my current mood.

I do want to thank everyone I have met this month! I have loved reading all your posts and learning more about myself by working with you. I am going to miss Soul Coaching. It's been one fun month. Our journies are just beginning, though! We will continue on them to grow and learn more and more. I wish I could reach through and hug everyone. I wish I could do more than just say thank you. Thank you to everyone! But a very, very, big thank you to Jamie! If you hadn't started The Next Chapter I would not have bought Soul Coaching or met everyone I have through it.

I won't say I'll miss you all, because that would mean we were saying good bye! We still have our blogs, and we will still be in touch. It feels like the end of a book because technically it is, but we have plenty more books. =) Good luck to everyone.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Soul Coacing Day 27

Today we are creating our future. Level 2 is projecting a year from now. We're supposed to write what our life is like.

This has been amazing! I am attending college at New England Culinary Institute. I am here to learn restaurant management, but I am also attending classes where I am learning to cook. I am eating delicious healthy meals and taking yoga classes at the fitness center. I have great friends here. I graduated from high school in the top 10 of my class and most of my college tuition was paid for with scholarships.

I am getting good grades. I'm learning a lot, getting a diploma, making connections, and earning money all at the same time. I know that I made the right choice by coming here. I am happy.

This is all possible! This is where I will be next year! I can't wait. I'm taking action to make this happen. I am going to finish writing a draft of one of the scholarship essays right now. I'm thinking the way I would be thinking if I were really at NECI right now. I am being happy.

Coconut Macaroons and a Comic

Usually if you buy a bag of baking coconut it will have a recipe on it for coconut macaroons. That’s where I got mine at least. Here it is, I hope if you make them they come out great. They’re good.

1 Package (2 2/3 cups in this case) sweetened coconut
1/3 Cup sugar
3 Tablespoons flour
1/8 Teaspoon salt
2 Egg Whites
½ Teaspoon almond extract

Mix coconut, sugar, flour, and salt in a large bowl. Stir in egg whites and almond extract until well blended. Drop by tablespoonfuls onto greased and floured cookie sheets. Bake at 325F for 20 minutes or until edges of cookies are golden brown. Immediately remove from cookie sheets onto wire racks. Makes about 1 ½ dozen.

For chocolate dipped macaroons-

Prepare and bake cookies as directed and melt chocolate as directed on package. Dip cookies halfway into chocolate, place on cookie sheets covered with wax paper, and cool in refrigerator until chocolate is firm.

Enjoy!

And if anyone's feeling guilty about all that food they ate yesterday, or about the leftovers they're eating today, check out this Oh My Gods! comic.

Cleansing

Last night was the new moon and I participated in a group cleansing with Sacred Suzie and other people from all over. I didn't do much. It was simply me walking around with a white candle (counter clockwise as Suzie suggested) saying "I am a child of light, my home is only open to light and happiness." It felt better after. I'll do it again on the December new moon.

As for the full moon in December, Suzie is reminding us all to work on dreamboards! This time it will be dreams we would like to come true for others. I'm already thinking up ideas. The full moon will be on the 12th, two days before my 18th birthday! I was hoping for the full moon to be on my birthday, but no such luck.

I had a pretty good Thanksgiving yesterday. I've got a lot to be thankful for. I hope everyone who celebrated had fun! I made chocolate dipped coconut macaroons to bring to my grandparents house for dessert (everyone goes there for pie, it's a tradition) and I actually came home with some! I'll put up the recipe for them later. I'm gonna go eat one right now though.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Day 26 of Soul Coaching

I can't believe it's almost over! I may have been doubting the changes it was making in my life every now and then, but I have to admit that Soul Coaching has made me look at things a little differently. I'm going to miss it a bit.

I'm not sure about today's affirmation. I know some people can feel at home no matter where they are, but I don't think I can. I do call the house I'm living in at any given moment home, but it doesn't really feel like home. I've moved so many times. It's not really the moving (I've never moved from my home town) I think it's the houses. The home I grew up in, the same house my mom grew up in, is what I think of when I think home. That house burnt down a few months ago. I was devastated. I lived there longer than any other house. It is one of my homes. I say one of because I also consider my Aunt Jen's house to be my home. Because she babysat me as a child I spent more time there than my own house. That home is still there. Maybe that is why I am having a hard time; I won't let go of my childhood homes.

Should I let go of them? Will it make it easier? I'm scared to become attached to where I live now because I know I won't be here next year. That's been the problem for other houses too. One house I actually refused to unpack my boxes. My parents swore that we'd be there for a long time. I knew we wouldn't. They said we'd buy the house. They wanted to buy the house. We stayed there six months and got evicted in the middle of February because the landlord sold the house to someone else. That was in 7th grade. We moved in with my grandparents and put most of our things into storage. Good thing I had my boxes already packed.

I feel like there is a nice home waiting for me somewhere in my future. My distant future. I should try to adopt the gypsy spirit and be at home anywhere. I just don't know if I can.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!


MixwitMixwit make a mixtapeMixwit mixtapes

To everyone celebrating Thanksgiving today I just wanted to wish you a happy one! I can't wait to stuff myself full of food. To everyone who is not celebrating, then have a happy day anyway! Here's some music to listen to. It really has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, I tried to put happier songs on it though.

Day 25

Now, I really meant to post this last night! We went to my Aunt's after dinner and ended up staying for four hours. I got to bake bread and play guitar hero with my cousin while they all played Texas Hold 'Em for hours. It was a good night, but when I got home I just went to bed. I should try posting earlier in the day.

I actually went outside yesterday. I wasn't planning on it. I didn't want to because it's November and cold outside. (I'm a wimp when it comes to being cold) Finally said screw it and bundled up. I'm glad I did. While I was outside I felt calm. Like I had no problems. I walked down to the brook not too far from our house. While walking I noticed the mud under my feet. It squished, and I tried to remember the last time I walked around in the mud. It had been a long time. What happened to that little girl who loved to play outdoors all day long? Why is she sitting watching TV and movies all day now? I don't know. I want her back, though.

When I got to the brook I just stood and stared at the clear, cold, running water. Water has never been my favorite element. It's so beautiful though. It's peaceful. Sometimes you just need to notice those things. I did and I'm grateful. Maybe I will fight to find that little girl who loves to be outside now.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

SC Day 24

I was so tired last night after making and freezing some almond cookie dough I just couldn't get on and post. I took a shower and went to bed. I woke up bright and early (for a day off from school, at least) to post though!

I have been noticing my posture for a while now. I wondered exactly what Denise wanted us to think about. "How do other people see me based on how I use my body?" When I am at school I am hunched over my desk writing a lot. There's really no way around that. When I am not writing, though, I tend to slouch down and get comfortable. I need to work on my posture. I don't like that I'm slouching down instead of sitting up straight and tall.

Monday, November 24, 2008

SC Day 23

Today was about detoxifying our bodies. I ate a very healthy breakfast and lunch. I've been drinking water. I'm not sure how much it is helping to detoxify, but I'm doing it. A lot of the time I crave unhealthy food. When I changed my diet a couple years ago to incorporate more healthy food into it I noticed a change. I generally felt better. Just overall I felt better once the change was made. I'm glad I did it. Now most of the foods I eat are cleansing instead of clogging.

I like taking care of my body. It's the only one have so I might well. It does need to last me a while, so I want it as healthy as I can make it. I still eat a lot of unhealthy foods, but the healthy outweighs the unhealthy I think.

Exciting Mail and a Recipe From My Childhood

I came home today hungry. Today was about taking care of your body in Soul Coaching, so I had a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch. Unfortunately for me healthy means smaller portions, and that means not filling. My hunger was forgotten when I opened the mail box and found what I have been waiting for for days!

My keyring from Nydia came in the mail today! I danced all the way to my front door. It made my day so much better. Thank you Nydia!!

After I realized how hungry I was again I went and cut myself a nice big slice of home made bread. This is my great grandmother's recipe. I remember sitting down eating nice big rolls with melted butter as a child. This bread is so good, and I really want to share the recipe with you. I'm not sure if I can explain it, though. All my mom has is basically a list of ingredients. I've made it a few times with success, but I've also messed up a few times. It's still worth the work.

6 Tablespoons of butter
6 Tablespoons of sugar
1 ½ Cups water
6 Tablespoons canned (also called evaporated or sweetened condensed) milk
1 Package (2 ¼ teaspoons if you don’t use packages) of yeast
6-7 Cups (approximately) flour
¾ Teaspoon salt

Melt butter in a bowl in the microwave. Warm the water to a simmer, add sugar and melted butter. Put this into a big bowl and add the canned milk. The milk should help cool it. Stir until it reaches baby milk temperature (do the write test). Add yeast and mix well. Add flour. Knead, let it rise, shape and place in pans, let it rise again.

Bake at 375F for 30-35 minutes or until it sounds hollow when you tap it.

Sorry about how confusing that sounds. I tried to explain it the best way I could. All I can say is that if you mess up I hope you learn from the experience and try again!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Movies and Stuff

Yesterday my sister and I went to see the Twilight movie. I loved it! I will always prefer a book version of a story over a movie version, but this was wonderful. If you loved the books you will most likely love the movie as well. I suggest seeing it!

Today we caught most of Adam Sandler's 8 Crazy Nights on TV. It is one of my favorite movies to watch this time of year. It makes me laugh, unlike most traditional Christmas time movies. Hopefully we will catch it again sometime in December. We always like to watch it at my Aunt's house and laugh together.

Turkey Day is on Thursday! We bought our turkey today and I am excited. It's one of those days where I can eat three pieces of pie and not care how sick I feel after because I know I'll do it again the next year. Thursday is also the new moon, though. I plan on doing a cleansing that day if I can. It should be a good day overall. There is a marathon of House on for me to watch while I sit and wait for the food to get done.

SC Day 22

Woo hoo! I am welcoming earth week with open arms. I am looking forward to feeling grounded and safe.

Today I was supposed to assess my body. Usually I feel comfortable in my body. There's no reason for me not to. I do some times negatively judge it. One time I sat down and made a list of everything I hate about my body. It was long. Afterward I decided to never do it again because it made me feel so crummy. I feel better about it than I used to, though. My body is generally healthy. I am a healthy weight, I try my best to eat healthy and exercise.

I'm going to try and not think about the negatives. I could think and obsess about those for hours. Instead I'll jot down the positives:

I love my eyes. They are a shade of blue that I adore.
I like my weight. I'm not going to lie- I am thin, but a healthy weight. I'm grateful for my metabolism, because I really shouldn't be thin with all the junk food I used to put into my body. I realized that someday I will gain weight, and changed my eating habits.
I like my natural hair color. My hair is thin, and I don't like that, but the color is okay. It's a light brown or a very dirty blond color. I dyed it once, and I liked it then too.
I even like my birth-mark. Most people would hate to have a birth-mark on the side of their head. I don't mind it. It makes me different.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Day 21 of SC

I sat down and did level one which was to be creative and draw what you were feeling. I was very resistant to doing this. I do not like drawing because I do not think it looks good. I don't like how it looks and I feel stupid. I'm very critical of my work, and that's probably why I've felt so uninspired to write for so long. I just had one of my English teachers tell me yesterday I was too critical. He loved a story I had written for an assignment, but I hated it. I thought it was stereotypical garbage.

Draw how I felt it what I did though. It turns out I was feeling a lot of built-up anger. I was repressing it all day. There are a lot of red scribbles and jagged lines. There is some blue. I used a dark blue and it is swirly. This is the sadness I was trying to hide. At the end I put a big black "X" though it because I hated how I was feeling. I don't like feeling that way because it doesn't stop once it starts.

I had to sit for a moment and consider how I wanted to feel for my second drawing. I want to feel grounded and creative. Safe. Calm. Smart. I really like how it turned out. There are green and orange swirls. At the edges of the paper there are flares of green and orange. In the middle is a pine tree. Below it is something that looks like a smile. Above it are orange and yellow stars. I shaded in light blue around them.

I feel better. Maybe I should do this more often. All day I was struggling for an idea so I could write a poem. I love poetry, and I love writing it. I just wish I could feel good about what I write after instead of calling it garbage. I like how Denise described what it feels like when you are being truly creative. It's so true. That is the feeling I strive for. It is why I want my creativity back!

"When you are being truly creative, time stands still, and you enter a dimension that can carry you beyond the ordinariness of life."

Friday, November 21, 2008

SC- Day 20

I am kind to just about everyone as a general rule. It feels good after. Until you meet some jerk who just wants to ruin it, but that's only every now and then. One story I have is this. It happened over a year ago.

I was in the grocery store lobby waiting for my parents to finish paying. An old woman dropped the change she was holding and I helped her pick it up.She was Asian and had an accent. I almost didn't understand her when she asked if I could order her food over the pay phone. I did it for her and after she shoved a dollar bill into my hand. I tried to refuse, but she insisted. I felt so warm after because I knew she would not have wanted to order the food over the phone with her accent. I refuse to spend that dollar. It is still sitting in a glass bottle on my alter. Every time I look at it I remember that event and smile.



Today I did what I usually do to be nice. I held the door for my classmates when I walked out of a classroom. I only get a few mumbled thank you's, but I don't care.


Another thing I like to do is Free Hugs. This is my favorite. It is so much fun. I haven't gone out in a year, but hopefully I will get a group together and we can go out before snow flies. To me this is the ultimate act of random kindness. A hug can do wonders to help make someone feel good. I encourage other people to do this! (Not alone unless it is a very crowded area and you feel safe. I would not go out alone even though where I live is a safe place.)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Day 19

Death is something that has intrigued me. I've wondered for years how and when I might die. I am not afraid of it. It doesn't scare me. I do not want to die anytime soon, though. I can't complain about being dead if I'm dead- so why worry? Live for today.

I was comfortable with today's tasks. It seems strange to me that I am so comfortable with death when so many other people are not. I have not had any near-death experiences. The only people I have known who have died are

Various pets over the years
My great-grandparents on my mom's side
My grandpa on my dad's side

I do not remember my great grandparents very well. I was young when they died. The loss of my pets always crushes me. It's such a sad experience. The most recent and most painful has been the death of my grandfather. He died in April and it was the saddest news I've ever gotten.

I guess I am more comfortable with my own death than I am with other people's. I don't fear dying- I fear the pain that might come with it.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Soul Coaching- Day 18

My computer is back! My grandpa found out what was wring with it and gave me a way to fix it. Thank you Poppa! I'm lucky he knows so much about computers. I should be able to post more often and comment on blogs again!

School has been so much less stressful the past two days. This is leaving me happier and allowing me to let more light into my life. It was an amazing day. I cannot think of one time when I was seriously worrying about the future or the past. I was really living in the moment. I regretted living in the moment while eating lunch though. The school's pizza isn't very good. That's why I prefer to bring my lunch from home. I don't think I'll be buying school lunch anymore.

I feel bad because I have been rushing through Soul Coaching every day. Maybe it's not helping me as much as it could because of that? When I go though and read other people's posts I envy their words that are so beautifully written. I need to dedicate more time to thinking about the words I'm writing. I used to be able to write. I want to reconnect with that muse again. I want to write poetry and stories again. That was my flame of creativity. I miss it.

SC- Day 17

The replacing should with could thing really helped. I had a wonderful day and didn't feel guilty about what I did't get done.

I noticed that I don't judge people very often. Usually I only negatively judge someone for laziness. I have one friend who refuses to even think about applying for college scholarships. She says "I'll have my mom help me." Not only is she not going to use scholarships to pay for college, but she won't use student loans either. I know she is smart enough to know that her family can't afford that. Not when they are still helping her brother through college. It's just laziness, and I hate it.

I hate it so much because that's what I wish I could do.

Sometimes I can be lazy. I feel bad about it after. I know I will be lazy in the future. I'm scared for the day when I realize I don't need to work so hard. We call it senioritis. It hasn't started to hit anyone I know yet, but we're still only in the 2nd quarter of the school year.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Empathy

When I first came across the term Empath years ago I considered the idea that I was one. I didn't look into it very deeply and forgot about it. Following a few links today I found this article 7 Signs You're an Empath. I read it and I do believe that I am empathetic.

There is one night that sticks out in my mind. My parents had taken my sister and I to a Red Sox game in Boston. We had been to two games before that, and usually it is not a very long walk from the train to Fenway. This time, though, the train we would take was broken. We had to walk a few blocks to take a different train, and then a bus, and then another train. On this walk we saw homeless person after homeless person. My heart felt like it was broke and I cried uncontrollably as I walked with my parents. I couldn't even explain why to them. No one else I saw acted this way. I've been scared to visit a city since, afraid that I won't be able to control my emotions.

The example the author gives in the article about going to the mall has happened to me. I hate large crowds, and it becomes difficult to keep my moods straight. I never know what I'm feeling when I go to the mall or another overly crowded place.

I was amazed when she mentioned always knowing what someone really means. It's confused me when other people can't get the meaning behind someones words. I just know what my friends, family, or teachers were really trying to tell me. It's useful in school, but annoying because long-winded explanations really tend to bore me.

The other things mentioned in the article are there (maybe with the exception of the healing, I'm not sure if I've ever healed someone.) These are just the ones that jumped out and confirmed it for me. I was an overly sensitive child, and I'm working on controlling it so I do not become an overly sensitive adult.

SC- Day 16

My computer is still not working, my grandpa is now looking at it to find out what's wrong. I will get on to post and read blogs when I can!

I did not take my driving test yesterday. Sunday night my dad told me he wouldn't take me because I wasn't ready. I was left feeling confused because I was both relieved and disappointed. I did not get to choose if I would go or not, and I'm not sure if this is good or bad.

I wasn't in the best mood. I have a stubborn cold and it hit me hard yesterday. Other things were also stressing me out, and I wasn't even trying to act like I was in a good mood. I just dove into my schoolwork to push the stress out of my mind. I am so grateful that Emeline was there to make me laugh when I needed it most. She's such a good friend.

I showed myself once again that I am resistant to change. I found that out years ago. I'm actually fine once the change is made, it's just during the change that I resist it. I didn't really do anything different yesterday (except maybe act a bit more miserable than usual because of the cold.)

I am trusting that change will happen this month. I am not seeing it happen, but I'm sure it is.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Soul Coaching Day 15- Fears

I am afraid of a lot of things. There is this big ugly one just looming, though, so it is the one bothering me.

I am afraid to take my driving test. (I know everyone is probably sick of hearing about this. It's not that important.) I am scared of failing it a 3rd time. I think I'm also scared of passing it, because if I pass it then I lose my excuse on why I don't have a job and why I don't go out with friends. It would mean I actually have to grow up and get out of the house into the world. Now, that is scary.

It felt really good to say out loud that I was afraid of taking the driving test and why. I'm supposed to take it tomorrow. I need to decide if I'm going to or not. I don't think I'm ready. As I was writing in my SC Journal I realized that I wasn't ready because no one has been treating me like I am ready. My dad still tells me exactly what to do when I'm driving. I'm not treating myself like I'm ready either. I keep telling myself that I can't. I looked in the mirror and tried telling myself I can. Not sure I believed it.

I don't know if I am going to take my driving test tomorrow. Fire week it about taking action, though, so it would be appropriate if I did. Peeking ahead in the book I saw that tomorrow is about taking risks. Going to the DMV tomorrow to take the test would be a huge risk for me. I've barely driven since my last test, and the 3rd try is the last one I've got until I turn 18. (Granted that is less than a month away, it's just not the point.) I'm scared and confused. Any advice?

Edit: I decided I should finish my list of fears.

I am afraid of:

The driving test
Moving out into the world (I want to do this- it's just scary)
Spiders
Not being able to move at all
Not being able to relate to people

I'm sure I can think of more to add later. Now, though, I have other things I should be doing.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Soul Coaching Day 14

I woke up to fog this morning. It has also been raining all day. I guess it's going all out for the end of water week. I am excited for fire week!

My computer is still not working. I think it's a problem with the actual computer this time. Usually it's the internet connection. This means I don't have a lot of time to read blogs, because I am using my mom's computer. Sorry about that.

After baking for 4 hours last night and volunteering at the Christmas Bazaar all day today, I came home and realized I was hungry and exhausted. I took what I learned from day 12 and just relaxed for a while.

The noble question I am asking myself today is "How can I be even happier?" Here is what I came up with for answers-

Relax more
Stress out less
Get out and have some fun
Learn to love yourself more

These all seem very obvious. I know I need to do these things. Now I just need to find out how.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Days 12&13 of Soul Coaching

I did do days 12 and 13 separately, but my computer is not working so I couldn't post last night.

DAY 12:
When I read the day 12 info and saw that Denise wanted me to "go slow" and "do nothing" I thought she must be kidding. I have always been a very active person. I'm always moving around, and if I'm not then my mind is still racing.

Everyday I am busy doing one thing and then another. I've often felt overwhelmed, but never thought I could do anything about it. I still don't think I can. I don't really mind it, though. I like being busy.

All day on the 12th the world was giving me time to go slow and do nothing. I was woken up at 4:30 by my cat. I couldn't sleep after that so I began my day at 5:30. I had the extra time to take it easy, I didn't use it. Instead of sitting around I did housework. In school I was given time to get some reading done, which I did. I had no homework to do that night (a miracle) and my computer will not connect to the internet. The world was just telling me to stop. After I wrote that I had a half hour before House started. I listened to the world for once and just did nothing.

DAY 13:
"My life is blessed, and I am so grateful."

This one is actually true. I really am thankful for my life. It has been so wonderful.

I am thankful for-

Being healthy
Having a loving family
Having a few friends who care
Having enough food to eat and a home
Being able to get an education

This morning I tried to tell myself "I love you!" I couldn't do it. Like Denise did, though, I said "I am willing to think about loving you." It's a process. Eventually I hope I will be able to say "Hello gorgeous!" to myself. =)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Soul Coaching Day 11

Today was about noticing recurring emotional patterns. I was surprised by what I saw even though I expected it.

I worry. Mostly about things happening in the future. This test next period, getting that homework done, going to college. The big one lately is still passing my driving test. It's coming up on Monday and I do not feel ready. I have to take the test in a city I do not drive in very often. It is busy and different from the small town I live and drive in. Whenever I think about this (more than once a day usually) I get scared and feel helpless.

I plan ahead. I think about exactly what I need to be doing in study hall, or when I get home from school. It feels good. I am thinking about myself and what I need to do. I'm not worrying about other people. Looking at it now that sounds a little selfish. I think it's a control thing. Growing up (and even now) I did (do) not have much control of what I can do outside of school. I depend on my parents, but at times I feel like I am controlled by them.

These are the two major things I noticed. Not only are they related to each other, but to how my parents have raised me. Worrying and planning are things that both my parents do. No matter how hard you try, I guess you do end up like your parents. Now I have to wonder, are these bad? I do not want to worry as much. I need to let this go.

I am willing to release this pattern of worry and accept that life will happen, and I will be okay.

That is my affirmation. It sort of covers the planning ahead thing, too. I should let life happen to me more often. I am not just living life, I am alive! That feels good to say.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Soul Coaching Day 10

A short post today. Then I can sit and watch House. (I am now addicted to this show.) We were supposed to identify our energy zappers and juicers. So I made two lists.

Zappers-
My dad. We just don't get along. It seems so mean to say, but it's true. He yells, and I ignore it. I'm not saying it works, but it is all I can do.
Working on my scholarship applications. No one like doing these. I need to though, so I will.

Juicers-
Reading and relaxing. Who doesn't like doing this?
Watching the sun rise. I did this this morning. I was amazed at how beautiful it was.

So, I had a lazy day today and still managed to get things done. Days off from school rock.

Dreamboard

Monday, November 10, 2008

Soul Coaching

I feel like there is negativity surrounding me. I'm drowning in it. My parents just had a stupid argument (not uncommon) and now my good mood has vanished. I can't wait to shower and wash away these feelings.

After their argument my parents always come to me to complain and rationalize their side to me. My dad just did it. In order to prevent my mood from worsening I told him to leave me alone. I can't stand it when they do that to me. After he left, though, I looked at the meaning I gave it. "He came to me to complain." Well, it's true. What if I look at it a bit differently, though? He came to me because he was upset that he had an argument with my mom. I prefer this one.

It sounds nicer, but does not change the fact that him doing it gives me a headache. It is something to analyze at a later date. I want to shower.

Update: I'm out of the shower and I feel much better now.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Soul Coaching- Turning Points

Ah, the turning points in my life. I have tried to think about these before. I thought the answers were so silly. It left me wondering "Are they right?" Well since I am getting the same answers that means either I am going about it wrong, or they are right. Because they seem silly I wasn't sure if I wanted to share them. I decided that I do.

Reading The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. Now I know this one is silly, but it's a turning point for me. After reading it I began looking into Pagan beliefs. I looked seriously and found that I wanted to study it more. It sparked an interest for me to grow. Look where it has led me- I am walking down my path at an early age. Who says curiosity killed the cat?

Reading The Cat Who... series by Lillian Jackson Braun. These books sparked my interest in journalism. Even though I do not want to be a journalist anymore, if I had not been interested in it I may not have taken so many English classes. If I had not taken them I would not have improved my writing skills as much as I have.

Watching the TV show Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives. This is a Food Network show hosted by Guy Fieri. Watching this made me realize that I want to own a restaurant. It's important because this is now what I plan to do with my life.

Being in 4H for most of my life. I wasn't sure if I should put this. It seems kind of silly to me that this is a turning point because there was never any doubt that I would be in 4H and show cows. It's a family thing. One of my uncles is part owner in a farm and I spent a lot of my childhood there. So it never was a specific point, it's just a part of my life. I am still an active member of 4H. I put it because it has changed my life though.

Watching one of my uncles beat his dog. I wish I could forget this horrible experience. It is still hard to think about even though it happened probably ten years ago. Seeing that happen made me realize how much I care about animals, and that I can hate a person. He is the one person I know who I can honestly say I hate. He has done so many other horrible things as well, that combined really make me just hate him. I never thought I could hate a person. Whenever I think about this I can't help but cry, and then my mind goes back to trying to repress the memory. Seeing as water week is about emotions I'm sure I will be forced to think about this again.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Soul Coaching

When I first began to write about this I did not like this idea of a "purpose in life." I feel that the purpose in everyone's lives is to live our life and change other people's along the way by doing so. Trying to figure out your purpose in life seemed contradictory to today's affirmation, "Who I am is enough." The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that that is not true. It isn't like a purpose in life has to be a do all, end all. It isn't always a "I need to do this and then my life is complete" deal. That is why I am going to say this.

The purpose of my life is to live and learn.

There are still many things I want to do with my life. It isn't like I have no goals. I want to go to college, travel the world, own a restaurant, own a farm, own a home. None of those could be called a purpose in life though. Not for me at least.

Denise said that today we should try to listen for messages from the universe. I believe this is a very valuable lesson. We should always be listening. Especially if we ask the questions. That is why I was amazed when I found this poem. It seemed too coincidental. (I don't believe in coincidences anyway.)

Goddess, Are You Real?
Author Unknown

The little child whispered,
"Goddess, speak to me"
And a meadowlark sang.
But the child did not hear.
So the child yelled,
"Goddess, speak to me!"
And the thunder rolled across the sky
But the child did not listen.
The child looked around and said,
"God, let me see you."
And a star shone brightly
But the child did not notice.
And the child shouted,
"Goddess, show me a miracle!"
And a life was born
But the child did not know.
So the child cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are there!"
Whereupon the God reached down
And touched the child.
But the child brushed the butterfly away
And walked away unknowingly.