Saturday, November 8, 2008

Soul Coaching

When I first began to write about this I did not like this idea of a "purpose in life." I feel that the purpose in everyone's lives is to live our life and change other people's along the way by doing so. Trying to figure out your purpose in life seemed contradictory to today's affirmation, "Who I am is enough." The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that that is not true. It isn't like a purpose in life has to be a do all, end all. It isn't always a "I need to do this and then my life is complete" deal. That is why I am going to say this.

The purpose of my life is to live and learn.

There are still many things I want to do with my life. It isn't like I have no goals. I want to go to college, travel the world, own a restaurant, own a farm, own a home. None of those could be called a purpose in life though. Not for me at least.

Denise said that today we should try to listen for messages from the universe. I believe this is a very valuable lesson. We should always be listening. Especially if we ask the questions. That is why I was amazed when I found this poem. It seemed too coincidental. (I don't believe in coincidences anyway.)

Goddess, Are You Real?
Author Unknown

The little child whispered,
"Goddess, speak to me"
And a meadowlark sang.
But the child did not hear.
So the child yelled,
"Goddess, speak to me!"
And the thunder rolled across the sky
But the child did not listen.
The child looked around and said,
"God, let me see you."
And a star shone brightly
But the child did not notice.
And the child shouted,
"Goddess, show me a miracle!"
And a life was born
But the child did not know.
So the child cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are there!"
Whereupon the God reached down
And touched the child.
But the child brushed the butterfly away
And walked away unknowingly.

Updates & a Poem

First I want to thank Nydia. I won the cat keyring she was giving away! If you haven't looked at her etsy shop yet, then please do! Everything there is amazing.

Next thing is, first quarter report cards came in the mail yesterday. I was so relieved when I saw my grades! I only have five classes, but they really keep me busy! I am going to have to continue to work hard to keep my grades up. The hardest class is French 4. Luckily I have a French friend who can help, lol. I am glad Emeline is so willing to help me.

World History 1: A+
Business Law: A
Advanced Placement English: A+
French 4: A-
Mythology: A+

I've been reading some W.B. Yeats poems lately. Here is his poem The Cat and the Moon. Hope you like it!

THE cat went here and there
And the moon spun round like a top,
And the nearest kin of the moon,
The creeping cat, looked up.
Black Minnaloushe stared at the moon,
For, wander and wail as he would,
The pure cold light in the sky
Troubled his animal blood.
Minnaloushe runs in the grass
Lifting his delicate feet.
Do you dance, Minnaloushe, do you dance?
When two close kindred meet,
What better than call a dance?
Maybe the moon may learn,
Tired of that courtly fashion,
A new dance turn.
Minnaloushe creeps through the grass
From moonlit place to place,
The sacred moon overhead
Has taken a new phase.
Does Minnaloushe know that his pupils
Will pass from change to change,
And that from round to crescent,
From crescent to round they range?
Minnaloushe creeps through the grass
Alone, important and wise,
And lifts to the changing moon
His changing eyes.

Soul Coaching Day 6- late

I know it's late. The people I babysit for decided they needed me an hour earlier than expected. This was just as I went to post how the day went. By the time they came to pick him up I was so tired all I could think about was meditating and bed. Here it is though!

I tried to tell myself the affirmation when my dad took me to practice driving in Keene. When I really needed to remember it though, I couldn't. I was scared by the traffic and upset by my dad. He really isn't the most helpful person. I think I need to find someone new to practice driving with.

The first thing I did in the morning was clean out old computer files. It felt good to have those organized, especially since I spend so much time on my computer. It is necessary for my school work and my blog. I need it to last me well into college, so I have to take care of it.

I cleaned my entire bedroom of clutter! Every drawer, all the shelves, even under my bed and in my hope chest. The hope chest was the hardest to clean out. That was where the real clutter was. It was mostly papers, birthday cards, and letters. I even had things from over five years ago. I did it and my room feels wonderful now.

I made time to sit down and read. I read the first two chapters in one of my books. I was so glad to get the chance to do that. Hopefully I will get to read a little bit more this morning before I have to babysit again.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Soul Coaching Day 5

Last night I had my doubts that this was working. I did not feel the usual total relaxation after meditating last night and I was left with a confused feeling. That is why I was so surprised at what I told myself this morning. After putting my hair into my ponytail I looked at myself in the mirror and said "I am a beautiful, confident, and happy person." I don't know where it came from. It was the first time I had ever said that to myself, but in that moment I believed it. It felt so good. I must be doing something right.

Today was about the energy I get from certain objects in my room. Looking around I notice certain things that I guess could be called 'energy down items'. These are the things that I plan to remove from my room when I go through and clean it tomorrow or Saturday. It's coming just in time, my room is already a mess again. I look forward to this big clean. It should be a fun, relaxing activity. Very different from the other things I need to do this weekend like my homework, scholarship applications, and driving.

Award and Other Things!

Aelwyn tagged me and gave me this wonderful award.

I need to post 6 random things about myself and then pass the award on. Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Here are the 6 random things about me:

1- I like country music. If you listen to the random mixwit tapes I put up you may have noticed this. It's the music I grew up listening to, and it makes me comfortable.

2- I think pirates are wicked awesome. I dressed up as a pirate for Halloween for a reason. I am fascinated by them. The romanticized ones of course. You can't really idolize someone who robs and kills people.

3- I am a good student. I enjoy school, because learning things comes easily to me. I don't know why. It's very helpful though.

4- I am a klutz. I trip walking up the stairs. I trip walking on even ground. It's just how my feet work.

5- I have a bad memory. I don't remember a majority of my childhood. I forget things all the time. It's not a good quality.

6- I am afraid of needles. Not that random. A lot of people don't like needles. I cry when I get shots, and I chickened out of donating blood today. Maybe I'll go next month.

Thank you Aelwyn! I am only able to pass this on to 3 people. But I will pass this on to-

Nydia at Bringing up Salamanders

Angela at Inner Musings Of An Eclectic Pagan

Suzie at Suzie's Sacred Space

Next up is this unbelievably touching blog post. I had never even heard of prop. 8 before reading it. Go there and become informed!

Nydia has started her own Etsy Shop! Go here to learn more about that and her giveaway!

I have been so busy with Soul Coaching that I haven't really done any other kind of post. This weekend I will try to post something else. Maybe some poetry or a mixwit tape. =)

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Soul Coaching

I read a few people's soul coaching posts before writing this. I connected to each of them in some way. One of the people talked about how she almost gave up on this journey. I have to tell the truth... I was thinking the same thing today. I have overloaded myself with school activities, school work, driving, and soul coaching. I haven't sat down and read one of the three books I bought on Sunday. This is strange for me. I love to read, I just haven't had the time. Being this busy is new to me. My senior year isn't any fun! Right now I feel like I just want to crawl into bed and cry. I am feeling so overwhelmed. Maybe I should say I am stretching myself to discover my capabilities? Being aware of what I am telling myself is a challenge.

Someone else mentioned that she feels she is not as capable as others seem to think she is. This has always been a fear of mine. I have a hard time accepting who I am because I have always felt that I have no actual skill. This is because I have never had to buckle down and learn one. I realized this on Monday. When things get hard (when my little bit of natural talent dries up) I quit. This is why driving is so hard for me. I realized that driving is so hard because I never had even the tiniest bit of natural talent for it. Learning is easy for me. Doing is not.

Even though my inner voice was very quiet today it is not always been so in the past. Some days I find my inner voice to be very loud, mean, and critical. If I rush and mess something up I will get very upset with myself. Even now as I type this I just noticed that I criticized myself without thinking. Internally I just told myself "Who am I kidding, why am I writing like this? No 17 year old writes or speaks this way." Well, I am going to tell myself right now. I DO!

In the past I have found my inner voice telling me I am stupid and don't deserve all the happiness that I feel at certain times in my life. These negative voices show up at expected and unexpected times. I remember one Christmas, I got overwhelmingly upset over nothing. There was nothing to set me off. I just started crying uncontrollably telling myself how dumb I was. It worried me very much after. I felt that something had to be wrong with me. I just pulled out my poetry book and found the page I wrote on that day. The poem I wrote spoke of honest fear. It was fear of life. I was 15 and terrified over nothing.

I know it is a bit unorganized, but several core beliefs are wedged in there somewhere. I felt very overwhelmed today. I am looking forward to sitting down and eating dinner. After that I will clean, shower, meditate, and go to bed. Still no time to read.

I just spell checked this and found that I had spelled several words wrong. I feel so stupid. I must have spelled them wrong in my written journal as well! I'm going to look back at it some day and give myself a complex while editing the mistakes. xD

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Soul Coaching

Just let me mention that I felt wonderful after keeping my promise and meditating for 15 minutes yesterday. I don't for which reason it was, keeping the promise or the meditation. Probably both. I do know that I feel I can trust myself a bit more now.

Today was a day about decluttering. I had a very busy day and did not get the chance to declutter my entire bedroom like I wanted to. I cleaned a smaller portion of it, and promised to do a complete clutter clean-out on Friday.

As I was cleaning I realized that I had let my room get messy and clutttered because that is how my life is at the moment. I am busy with other things, and my room is suffering because of it. I have also been very stressed. I noticed how relaxed I was while I cleaned my room. It is rare that I am relaxed while cleaning because I usually have my dad (a cleaning nazi) there yelling at us the entire time. My favorite time to clean is when I am home by myself. I put on my music and sing out loud while dancing with the broom. It is so much fun.

S0 even though there is still some clutter in my room, it feels much more comfortable now. Hopefully I can convince my dad and sister to leave the house for a couple hours on Friday so I can do a really good cleaning job on the rest of the house.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Soul Coaching/ life update all in one!

Today is day two of soul coaching. It was about commitment. I have faced problems with this before, and I believe I will continue to face problems with it in the future. I tell myself I am going to do something, and then I don't do it. The only good that has come out of that is I have learned how to not get mad at myself for breaking these promises. In truth it is probably not the best thing for me to do. I should keep the promises I make to myself. The one that I am proud of is I have been keeping the promise I made to stretch every night before bed.

I am facing new difficulties now though. Today was a big day. I went to take my driving test. Again. After failing the first time and working though my disappointment I was nervous about going today. I think I scared myself a bit too much, because I broke into tears this morning trying to explain to my dad that I was really scared about going to the DMV to take the test. I failed today and was forced to face the disappointment once again. It hurts a lot and I am even more scared now about my new appointment on the 17th.

Now to get to the point where this has something to do with commitment. I woke up and made two promises to myself. 1- I would go to school no matter if I failed or passed the test. I kept this one! I went to school and went about my day. 2- That if I failed the test I would not get upset. But if I did then I would try to limit the crying to 10 minutes. This is the one I did not keep, and the one that bothers me the most. When I failed I just couldn't stop the tears. I felt so horrible, and so disappointed in myself. I put myself into such a state of mind that I was in a bad mood all day. I really don't want to go back on the 17th now. It is the old you can't fail if you don't try method.

I am making two commitments to myself today. I will go back for my test in two weeks. If I disappoint myself again then I will deal with it after, not worry about it beforehand. No matter how many times I disappoint myself I know that having a license is very necessary where I live. The next commitment is one to help me relax and work through my fears. I will do 15 minutes of meditation every day. Hopefully keeping these promises to myself will help me learn to trust myself more.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Soul Coaching- Day 1

After waking up and getting a hot chocolate I sat down and read day one. When I finished reading I went and opened my window to breath the morning air. Memories came flooding back. The chill in the air, the early morning sounds. They fueled my happiness as a child, but also my unhappiness. I did not appreciate the chilly air, morning sounds, or fresh dew for waking me up when I went camping. Now I can remember that unhappiness with happiness though. The cold mornings grew into warmer afternoons. The unhappy waking drifted into a happy slumber.

The point of today was to assess my life. My health, my relationships, finances, career, creativity, and spiritual fulfillment. I will give a condensed version here, because I ended up writing three pages.

Health- I am healthy now, but I worry for my future health. I do not eat healthy enough nor do I exercise enough. I try to convince myself it's okay, or that I can change my habits when I move out, but I know that it isn't okay and now is the time for change.

Relationships- I have stressful relationships with my peers. I feel that because I have been patronized my whole life by my family I act differently than I should. If I do not change then people will continue to patronize me.

Finances- I am still financially dependent on my parents. I still live at home. I do not have a job yet, but I will have one when I get my license. I am saving money towards college expenses and inspecting my car.

Career- I do not have one right now because I am a high school student. I know what I want to do, though, and I am working towards this goal.

Creativity- I try to be a creative person. I write poems and stories. I am my own worst critic,
though, and I have stopped recently because I do not feel inspired to write.

Spiritual fulfillment- I am working on this. I know my path and now I'm walking down it. It's a life long journey, but I am committed to it.

Over the next 28 days I want to grow up more. I don't want to be patronized by my peers anymore, so I need to change.

The daily affirmation today was "My evaluation of myself is not who I am." I like this one. It is good to remember. Especially of you are like me and have a low opinion of yourself. Like I said when I talked about my creativity, I am my own worst critic.
Today we were told to stop and take deep breaths. This brought back another memory. A few years ago when I got my bellybutton pierced I was given some wonderful advice. I had just gotten it done and I was crying because it had hurt (duh). There was a woman there at the tattoo parlor and she showed me her tattoo. It was simple. It was just the word BREATH. She told me "Now, just breathe. You'll calm down." Those are the first words someone tells anyone who is crying, and with good reason. Breathing is the most necessary of all things we can do. It calms us down and helps us think more clearly.