I read a few people's soul coaching posts before writing this. I connected to each of them in some way. One of the people talked about how she almost gave up on this journey. I have to tell the truth... I was thinking the same thing today. I have overloaded myself with school activities, school work, driving, and soul coaching. I haven't sat down and read one of the three books I bought on Sunday. This is strange for me. I love to read, I just haven't had the time. Being this busy is new to me. My senior year isn't any fun! Right now I feel like I just want to crawl into bed and cry. I am feeling so overwhelmed. Maybe I should say I am stretching myself to discover my capabilities? Being aware of what I am telling myself is a challenge.
Someone else mentioned that she feels she is not as capable as others seem to think she is. This has always been a fear of mine. I have a hard time accepting who I am because I have always felt that I have no actual skill. This is because I have never had to buckle down and learn one. I realized this on Monday. When things get hard (when my little bit of natural talent dries up) I quit. This is why driving is so hard for me. I realized that driving is so hard because I never had even the tiniest bit of natural talent for it. Learning is easy for me. Doing is not.
Even though my inner voice was very quiet today it is not always been so in the past. Some days I find my inner voice to be very loud, mean, and critical. If I rush and mess something up I will get very upset with myself. Even now as I type this I just noticed that I criticized myself without thinking. Internally I just told myself "Who am I kidding, why am I writing like this? No 17 year old writes or speaks this way." Well, I am going to tell myself right now. I DO!
In the past I have found my inner voice telling me I am stupid and don't deserve all the happiness that I feel at certain times in my life. These negative voices show up at expected and unexpected times. I remember one Christmas, I got overwhelmingly upset over nothing. There was nothing to set me off. I just started crying uncontrollably telling myself how dumb I was. It worried me very much after. I felt that something had to be wrong with me. I just pulled out my poetry book and found the page I wrote on that day. The poem I wrote spoke of honest fear. It was fear of life. I was 15 and terrified over nothing.
I know it is a bit unorganized, but several core beliefs are wedged in there somewhere. I felt very overwhelmed today. I am looking forward to sitting down and eating dinner. After that I will clean, shower, meditate, and go to bed. Still no time to read.
I just spell checked this and found that I had spelled several words wrong. I feel so stupid. I must have spelled them wrong in my written journal as well! I'm going to look back at it some day and give myself a complex while editing the mistakes. xD
When I'm typing, I make an average of 298938503985 typos. :) I guess my brain goes faster than my fingers. I guess I'm not a good typist. It doesn't matter. I'm good at other things.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that resonates from your post is that we all have a LOT in common. The fears. The doubts. The stops and starts. The hope. The perseverance. The sheer willingness to be our best selves.
So you can't spell? Neither could Einstein. Doctors can barely write legibly. A lot of poets could barely boil water. Our limitations are only there to contrast the magnificence of our strengths! In Arabic mosaics, they purposely introduce a flaw, because of the belief that the flaw makes the beauty more powerful.
Dear Tori,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the props today! I can only be so out there because of the anonymity (I give props to everyone that is using their real name).
I relate a lot to your posts. I was not having an easy time at your age and 10 years on, evidently I am still not. I hope that since you are getting on the path early that you will have an easier time.
R.e. the driving test, good luck! I failed the first time I did the practical test where you drive the testing guy around. It took me 2 years to get around to re-taking it (and passing it). And I still can't drive a stick shift (I can't stand not being able to do it instantly!) So hang in there, you are not alone.
Tori, you are not stupid. You are bright. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are magick.
ReplyDeleteThat inner bully (who I recognize, I see you Ms. Bully!) is telling you everything you fear about yourself. Tell her you know what she's doing. She is manipulating you into giving up on yourself. I won't let her and give her a swift kick in the shin.
We can get through this Tori. We can both do it. I already sense the winds changing for the better. Hang out and do as much or little as you can handle. Just be with us on this journey. :)
I see your strength, Tori. Some days are really, really hard and here you are - showing up, noticing where you are, sharing, finding the conviction to say, "I DO!"
ReplyDeleteYou are strong and you can do this. Your post really resonates with me as I am feeling overwhelmed and like I can't possible take on this project.
ReplyDeleteBut I think that's the beauty of it.
I think this is the perfect time for you (and me) to get into this soul coaching.
I hear ya on the spelling mistakes, it's just exhaustion, not stupidity!
*hugs*
Go girl!
You got an award! Go here: http://aelwynsrandom.blogspot.com/2008/11/got-awardmeme.html
ReplyDeleteYou're doing really well Tori - I too have been struggling to balance soal coaching with college, working full time and taking part in NaNoWriMo. It has helped me to think "I am exactly where I need to be at this time." This allows me to relax. It is okay to skip days in soul coaching journey too. Also, I have about 50 books I've bought and haven't read! I have stopped buying them now and am working my way through the pile so maybe that makes you feel better about your three waiting to be read? :)
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