I read a few people's soul coaching posts before writing this. I connected to each of them in some way. One of the people talked about how she almost gave up on this journey. I have to tell the truth... I was thinking the same thing today. I have overloaded myself with school activities, school work, driving, and soul coaching. I haven't sat down and read one of the three books I bought on Sunday. This is strange for me. I love to read, I just haven't had the time. Being this busy is new to me. My senior year isn't any fun! Right now I feel like I just want to crawl into bed and cry. I am feeling so overwhelmed. Maybe I should say I am stretching myself to discover my capabilities? Being aware of what I am telling myself is a challenge.
Someone else mentioned that she feels she is not as capable as others seem to think she is. This has always been a fear of mine. I have a hard time accepting who I am because I have always felt that I have no actual skill. This is because I have never had to buckle down and learn one. I realized this on Monday. When things get hard (when my little bit of natural talent dries up) I quit. This is why driving is so hard for me. I realized that driving is so hard because I never had even the tiniest bit of natural talent for it. Learning is easy for me. Doing is not.
Even though my inner voice was very quiet today it is not always been so in the past. Some days I find my inner voice to be very loud, mean, and critical. If I rush and mess something up I will get very upset with myself. Even now as I type this I just noticed that I criticized myself without thinking. Internally I just told myself "Who am I kidding, why am I writing like this? No 17 year old writes or speaks this way." Well, I am going to tell myself right now. I DO!
In the past I have found my inner voice telling me I am stupid and don't deserve all the happiness that I feel at certain times in my life. These negative voices show up at expected and unexpected times. I remember one Christmas, I got overwhelmingly upset over nothing. There was nothing to set me off. I just started crying uncontrollably telling myself how dumb I was. It worried me very much after. I felt that something had to be wrong with me. I just pulled out my poetry book and found the page I wrote on that day. The poem I wrote spoke of honest fear. It was fear of life. I was 15 and terrified over nothing.
I know it is a bit unorganized, but several core beliefs are wedged in there somewhere. I felt very overwhelmed today. I am looking forward to sitting down and eating dinner. After that I will clean, shower, meditate, and go to bed. Still no time to read.
I just spell checked this and found that I had spelled several words wrong. I feel so stupid. I must have spelled them wrong in my written journal as well! I'm going to look back at it some day and give myself a complex while editing the mistakes. xD