Today my dad found this snake in our yard. Neither of us like snakes much, but we were fascinated nonetheless. And ever since last year's British Literature class every time I think of snakes I think of D. H. Lawrence's poem "Snake". It's much too long to put here, so I'll just have to give you the link. My favorite lines have to be the ones at the end.
'And so, I missed my chance with one of the lords Of life. And I have something to expiate: A pettiness.'
This poem made me think a lot when we first read it, and it isnpired me a little bit. Here are the pictures of our snake, who if I see again I will name after the poet.
Doesn't he seem to be staring straight at the camera in that last one? I didn't have to get very close, thank the gods for cameras with good zoom!
When I sat down to make this dreamboard I think I must have wasted a dozen pieces of paper trying to find what it was I really need right now. Finally I just calmed myself down and thought for a minute. I realized that what I really need right now is to make myself bloom. In order to do that I need some love, trust, and patience. I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders now that I know what it is I'm needing. I had such a hard time making my dreamboard this month.
I feel like I haven't really lived these past two weeks, like they've just been happening to me. It's a horrible feeling. I've been so disconnected. I said on Monday that I'm sick of it, and I am! This is harder than I thought, though.
On the more mundane side of things, I broke down and began using twitter again. I started using it a few months ago when my teacher showed it to us, but I stopped because I got bored. Now that so many other bloggers are using it I figured I'd give it another go. I added that twitter gadget.
Those days where at the end you go "What happened?" and just kind of fall into a coma in your bed and don't wake up at all until the morning. That's what my last two days were like. I don't know how or why. It's just all of a sudden Thursday. I don't plan on doing anything tonight. I had a boring, not busy, day with only one homework assignment that I completed in school. That was a nice change. There's a lot I could do, but I know better. I'm not even going to cook tonight. I love leftovers!
Recently on Jamie's blog she has had guest bloggers who have been talking about balance. I guess I kind of forgot that balance takes work. On Monday I sat down and wrote 4 pages in my journal. The last two nights I just fell into bed, even though I really really wanted to write. I'm still working on this, I haven't had the time to do so many of the things I want. To be honest when I was catching up on reading blogs earlier I skipped posts that looked like they would require much thinking. I just can't do it tonight. I'm going to go sit and do nothing for a while.
First- I was wrong about the title of my post yesterday. I'm not finding myself, I'm creating myself. I didn't think of it until after, but that's from one of my favorite quotes. "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." - George Bernard Shaw. It's as true as can be in my mind.
I want to share some cool things with you all. A couple of things that just make me smile.
I made cookies for my mom to bring to work one day a while ago. As a thank you, her boss brought me back some cool stuff from Mexico where he went scuba diving. Shells and sand, and a shot glass.
I don't know how, but I convinced my parents to let me get some flowers from the grocery store when we went shopping on Friday. Aren't they pretty? I was wanting some all winter long, they brighten up the house and smell SO nice.
This week's Joy Rebel Mission was to laugh. So I immediately looked up a comedian that I have been meaning to listen to again. Rodney Carrington is hilarious! The Chicken Song is one of his best ones.
Here are the rules: Copy & paste this award to your blog. List 7 of your favorite things and pass it along to at least 7 others
Okay!
1- Blogging. I just mentioned this yesterday actually. Blogging has become one of my favorite things to do. It gives me a connection that I haven't found anywhere else.
2- Journaling. Once I started journaling last night I couldn't stop. It is just a helpful thing. I can be more honest when I'm journaling for myself than at any other time.
3- Watching chick flicks with my sister. When Tia and I watch movies together it's a form of connecting. We're both old enough now where I can sense a real close relationship forming. I think I'm going to miss just sitting watching TV with her more than anything when I leave for college.
4- Laughing! Who doesn't love laughing, though? It makes me feel better.
5- Playing with Keagan. Keagan is the 2 1/2-year-old I babysit. He's the cutest kid in the world, smart as heck, and FUN! I sleep so well the days I watch him. His parents are family friends so at least it's not weird when I go over and ask if I can watch him. We all start to miss him if we don't see him every other week.
6- Just going and hanging out at my Aunt Jen's house. Her house is the kind of place where people randomly show up. My mom's side of the family is huge, and very close. I love to just be around them. They bring out the best in me. There is always jokes, laughter, food, and probably someone getting tackled to the ground when we get together.
7- Learning. It's so important to me. If I could afford it I'd just go and take every interesting college course out there. I can't, though. xP So I'm going to a school where I know I'll have a job when I'm done.
A conversation I had this morning with my friend Amy really made me realize something.
Me: I really don't like this top... Amy: Which one the sweater or the shirt? Me: Both Amy: Then why did you wear them? Me: I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I've got this dumb cold sore, too. Amy: Where? I point to the cold sore Amy: I didn't even notice it! You're just self conscious today.
It made me realize how much I hate those words. I've been feeling insecure lately, and I am just now trying to figure out why. I was trying to pretend I wasn't, I was wishing it away. It hasn't been working. I don't want to feel self conscious or insecure. I'm not supposed to be that way. I hate writing this post. I don't like sharing these kinds of things with other people. I like working through them on my own. It's affecting everything about me, though.
I started this blog to get in touch with other Pagan bloggers, and to continue learning as much as I can. I found so much more. I've met the most inspiring, creative people ever. I've been a part of Soul Coaching, won giveaways, celebrated, made magic and food. Blogging has fueled my creativity. Right now, though, I feel lost. I'm throwing myself into mundane things. I'm burying my mind in books and TV. So many of us are feeling this way, and I can't help but wonder why? It was a long, tiring winter, but Spring is here! We should all be celebrating and opening up to find our beautiful souls awaiting the warmth and sunshine. I feel so disconnected. As if while the world keeps moving, I'm stuck.
I'm using this post as a way to say that enough is enough! I can't stand feeling this way anymore. I'm sure the other people who are suffering want to stop it as well. I don't want to just 'let it work itself out', even though the Mercury retrograde coming up (May 7-30) is as good a time as any for that option. I need something that will kick me into overdrive. If I don't find myself again soon I think I'll go crazy. It was going so well for a while. I'm going to start journaling again. I stopped right around the time I started feeling this way. I want my creativity to reemerge. I've got to move around more, and watch less TV. I'm going to get back into researching pagan things, I don't know why I ever stopped.
Thank you blog friends for sharing this journey with me! I might be going slow, but I am moving down my path. This blog is now a major part of that.
