Day 21 of SC

I sat down and did level one which was to be creative and draw what you were feeling. I was very resistant to doing this. I do not like drawing because I do not think it looks good. I don't like how it looks and I feel stupid. I'm very critical of my work, and that's probably why I've felt so uninspired to write for so long. I just had one of my English teachers tell me yesterday I was too critical. He loved a story I had written for an assignment, but I hated it. I thought it was stereotypical garbage.

Draw how I felt it what I did though. It turns out I was feeling a lot of built-up anger. I was repressing it all day. There are a lot of red scribbles and jagged lines. There is some blue. I used a dark blue and it is swirly. This is the sadness I was trying to hide. At the end I put a big black "X" though it because I hated how I was feeling. I don't like feeling that way because it doesn't stop once it starts.

I had to sit for a moment and consider how I wanted to feel for my second drawing. I want to feel grounded and creative. Safe. Calm. Smart. I really like how it turned out. There are green and orange swirls. At the edges of the paper there are flares of green and orange. In the middle is a pine tree. Below it is something that looks like a smile. Above it are orange and yellow stars. I shaded in light blue around them.

I feel better. Maybe I should do this more often. All day I was struggling for an idea so I could write a poem. I love poetry, and I love writing it. I just wish I could feel good about what I write after instead of calling it garbage. I like how Denise described what it feels like when you are being truly creative. It's so true. That is the feeling I strive for. It is why I want my creativity back!

"When you are being truly creative, time stands still, and you enter a dimension that can carry you beyond the ordinariness of life."

SC- Day 20

I am kind to just about everyone as a general rule. It feels good after. Until you meet some jerk who just wants to ruin it, but that's only every now and then. One story I have is this. It happened over a year ago.

I was in the grocery store lobby waiting for my parents to finish paying. An old woman dropped the change she was holding and I helped her pick it up.She was Asian and had an accent. I almost didn't understand her when she asked if I could order her food over the pay phone. I did it for her and after she shoved a dollar bill into my hand. I tried to refuse, but she insisted. I felt so warm after because I knew she would not have wanted to order the food over the phone with her accent. I refuse to spend that dollar. It is still sitting in a glass bottle on my alter. Every time I look at it I remember that event and smile.



Today I did what I usually do to be nice. I held the door for my classmates when I walked out of a classroom. I only get a few mumbled thank you's, but I don't care.


Another thing I like to do is Free Hugs. This is my favorite. It is so much fun. I haven't gone out in a year, but hopefully I will get a group together and we can go out before snow flies. To me this is the ultimate act of random kindness. A hug can do wonders to help make someone feel good. I encourage other people to do this! (Not alone unless it is a very crowded area and you feel safe. I would not go out alone even though where I live is a safe place.)

Day 19

Death is something that has intrigued me. I've wondered for years how and when I might die. I am not afraid of it. It doesn't scare me. I do not want to die anytime soon, though. I can't complain about being dead if I'm dead- so why worry? Live for today.

I was comfortable with today's tasks. It seems strange to me that I am so comfortable with death when so many other people are not. I have not had any near-death experiences. The only people I have known who have died are

Various pets over the years
My great-grandparents on my mom's side
My grandpa on my dad's side

I do not remember my great grandparents very well. I was young when they died. The loss of my pets always crushes me. It's such a sad experience. The most recent and most painful has been the death of my grandfather. He died in April and it was the saddest news I've ever gotten.

I guess I am more comfortable with my own death than I am with other people's. I don't fear dying- I fear the pain that might come with it.

Soul Coaching- Day 18

My computer is back! My grandpa found out what was wring with it and gave me a way to fix it. Thank you Poppa! I'm lucky he knows so much about computers. I should be able to post more often and comment on blogs again!

School has been so much less stressful the past two days. This is leaving me happier and allowing me to let more light into my life. It was an amazing day. I cannot think of one time when I was seriously worrying about the future or the past. I was really living in the moment. I regretted living in the moment while eating lunch though. The school's pizza isn't very good. That's why I prefer to bring my lunch from home. I don't think I'll be buying school lunch anymore.

I feel bad because I have been rushing through Soul Coaching every day. Maybe it's not helping me as much as it could because of that? When I go though and read other people's posts I envy their words that are so beautifully written. I need to dedicate more time to thinking about the words I'm writing. I used to be able to write. I want to reconnect with that muse again. I want to write poetry and stories again. That was my flame of creativity. I miss it.

SC- Day 17

The replacing should with could thing really helped. I had a wonderful day and didn't feel guilty about what I did't get done.

I noticed that I don't judge people very often. Usually I only negatively judge someone for laziness. I have one friend who refuses to even think about applying for college scholarships. She says "I'll have my mom help me." Not only is she not going to use scholarships to pay for college, but she won't use student loans either. I know she is smart enough to know that her family can't afford that. Not when they are still helping her brother through college. It's just laziness, and I hate it.

I hate it so much because that's what I wish I could do.

Sometimes I can be lazy. I feel bad about it after. I know I will be lazy in the future. I'm scared for the day when I realize I don't need to work so hard. We call it senioritis. It hasn't started to hit anyone I know yet, but we're still only in the 2nd quarter of the school year.

Empathy

When I first came across the term Empath years ago I considered the idea that I was one. I didn't look into it very deeply and forgot about it. Following a few links today I found this article 7 Signs You're an Empath. I read it and I do believe that I am empathetic.

There is one night that sticks out in my mind. My parents had taken my sister and I to a Red Sox game in Boston. We had been to two games before that, and usually it is not a very long walk from the train to Fenway. This time, though, the train we would take was broken. We had to walk a few blocks to take a different train, and then a bus, and then another train. On this walk we saw homeless person after homeless person. My heart felt like it was broke and I cried uncontrollably as I walked with my parents. I couldn't even explain why to them. No one else I saw acted this way. I've been scared to visit a city since, afraid that I won't be able to control my emotions.

The example the author gives in the article about going to the mall has happened to me. I hate large crowds, and it becomes difficult to keep my moods straight. I never know what I'm feeling when I go to the mall or another overly crowded place.

I was amazed when she mentioned always knowing what someone really means. It's confused me when other people can't get the meaning behind someones words. I just know what my friends, family, or teachers were really trying to tell me. It's useful in school, but annoying because long-winded explanations really tend to bore me.

The other things mentioned in the article are there (maybe with the exception of the healing, I'm not sure if I've ever healed someone.) These are just the ones that jumped out and confirmed it for me. I was an overly sensitive child, and I'm working on controlling it so I do not become an overly sensitive adult.

SC- Day 16

My computer is still not working, my grandpa is now looking at it to find out what's wrong. I will get on to post and read blogs when I can!

I did not take my driving test yesterday. Sunday night my dad told me he wouldn't take me because I wasn't ready. I was left feeling confused because I was both relieved and disappointed. I did not get to choose if I would go or not, and I'm not sure if this is good or bad.

I wasn't in the best mood. I have a stubborn cold and it hit me hard yesterday. Other things were also stressing me out, and I wasn't even trying to act like I was in a good mood. I just dove into my schoolwork to push the stress out of my mind. I am so grateful that Emeline was there to make me laugh when I needed it most. She's such a good friend.

I showed myself once again that I am resistant to change. I found that out years ago. I'm actually fine once the change is made, it's just during the change that I resist it. I didn't really do anything different yesterday (except maybe act a bit more miserable than usual because of the cold.)

I am trusting that change will happen this month. I am not seeing it happen, but I'm sure it is.

Soul Coaching Day 15- Fears

I am afraid of a lot of things. There is this big ugly one just looming, though, so it is the one bothering me.

I am afraid to take my driving test. (I know everyone is probably sick of hearing about this. It's not that important.) I am scared of failing it a 3rd time. I think I'm also scared of passing it, because if I pass it then I lose my excuse on why I don't have a job and why I don't go out with friends. It would mean I actually have to grow up and get out of the house into the world. Now, that is scary.

It felt really good to say out loud that I was afraid of taking the driving test and why. I'm supposed to take it tomorrow. I need to decide if I'm going to or not. I don't think I'm ready. As I was writing in my SC Journal I realized that I wasn't ready because no one has been treating me like I am ready. My dad still tells me exactly what to do when I'm driving. I'm not treating myself like I'm ready either. I keep telling myself that I can't. I looked in the mirror and tried telling myself I can. Not sure I believed it.

I don't know if I am going to take my driving test tomorrow. Fire week it about taking action, though, so it would be appropriate if I did. Peeking ahead in the book I saw that tomorrow is about taking risks. Going to the DMV tomorrow to take the test would be a huge risk for me. I've barely driven since my last test, and the 3rd try is the last one I've got until I turn 18. (Granted that is less than a month away, it's just not the point.) I'm scared and confused. Any advice?

Edit: I decided I should finish my list of fears.

I am afraid of:

The driving test
Moving out into the world (I want to do this- it's just scary)
Spiders
Not being able to move at all
Not being able to relate to people

I'm sure I can think of more to add later. Now, though, I have other things I should be doing.