Monday, May 4, 2009

Finding Myself Again

A conversation I had this morning with my friend Amy really made me realize something.

Me: I really don't like this top...
Amy: Which one the sweater or the shirt?
Me: Both
Amy: Then why did you wear them?
Me: I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I've got this dumb cold sore, too.
Amy: Where?
I point to the cold sore
Amy: I didn't even notice it! You're just self conscious today.

It made me realize how much I hate those words. I've been feeling insecure lately, and I am just now trying to figure out why. I was trying to pretend I wasn't, I was wishing it away. It hasn't been working. I don't want to feel self conscious or insecure. I'm not supposed to be that way. I hate writing this post. I don't like sharing these kinds of things with other people. I like working through them on my own. It's affecting everything about me, though.

I started this blog to get in touch with other Pagan bloggers, and to continue learning as much as I can. I found so much more. I've met the most inspiring, creative people ever. I've been a part of Soul Coaching, won giveaways, celebrated, made magic and food. Blogging has fueled my creativity. Right now, though, I feel lost. I'm throwing myself into mundane things. I'm burying my mind in books and TV. So many of us are feeling this way, and I can't help but wonder why? It was a long, tiring winter, but Spring is here! We should all be celebrating and opening up to find our beautiful souls awaiting the warmth and sunshine. I feel so disconnected. As if while the world keeps moving, I'm stuck.

I'm using this post as a way to say that enough is enough! I can't stand feeling this way anymore. I'm sure the other people who are suffering want to stop it as well. I don't want to just 'let it work itself out', even though the Mercury retrograde coming up (May 7-30) is as good a time as any for that option. I need something that will kick me into overdrive. If I don't find myself again soon I think I'll go crazy. It was going so well for a while. I'm going to start journaling again. I stopped right around the time I started feeling this way. I want my creativity to reemerge. I've got to move around more, and watch less TV. I'm going to get back into researching pagan things, I don't know why I ever stopped.

Thank you blog friends for sharing this journey with me! I might be going slow, but I am moving down my path. This blog is now a major part of that.

4 comments:

  1. I've very much enjoyed reading about your journey! All things ebb and wane - sometimes we just have to kick start ourselves back into gear!

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  2. You know what's amazing about you? You identified the problem honestly, and you came up with solutions honestly. You know what you need to do to get out of your "funk" and I am here to support you :)

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  3. Tori, you're doing just fine. We all have difficult cycles to get through and you're doing it. You reached your bottom and are saying, OK, that's it, I want to feel better. Which is awesome. I believe in you Tori.

    I stopped by to say you could put your cookie link here if you want to but no pressure, you got other things to work on!

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