Happy Summer Solstice!

Hey all! I'm alive. Busy, sad, stressed, frustrated, but alive! Hopefully with this turning of the wheel my luck will change? Everything else is changing, so who knows.

Anyway- I want to wish everyone a Happy Summer Solstice! We couldn't ask for a more beautiful day here. Too bad I have work. I hope you all have nice weather and the time to enjoy it! If I'm not dead tired when I get back tonight I'll be going for a walk. It will be dark by then, but it should still be nice out. It's supposed to be a clear night. :)

Week 1 of Internship

Week one is over! Done! =) And what an exhausting week it was. Monday and Tuesday I was terrified. It was basically just training and me getting used to the place. Wednesday was set-up for the big event at Shelburne Farms. Thursday and Friday was the big event! It was the Slow Money Conference. The conference was a lot of fun to cater! Very busy, since there were almost 600 people there. I am just relieved for it to be the weekend. Who knows what will happen? Life is good right now.

Week Off

I'm home for a week! Well, I'm at my parent's house for a week. It just doesn't feel like home. Sadly enough, my dorm does now. That could change. A good chunk of my friends all left for internship. I still have a few friends there luckily. I have to make new ones when the new group comes in... Of course by this time I'll be working at Sugarsnap, and even more of my friends will have left for their internships. It makes me want to cry, the thought of being up there with no friends. My friends pulled me through so much. And if my parent's house isn't home, and if the people who made college home are gone- then what is home? I just don't know anymore.

I came here to escape from drama for a week. That's all school has been for a while now, drama. Unfortunately I forgot that my family has just as much drama. I already can't wait to go back to Montpelier. At least there it's my own drama I'm dealing with and not everyone else's.

I obviously have a huge resistance to change. I always get panicky when a major change is coming. I don't deal with it as well as I could or should. I know I need to learn to accept change, I just don't know how. I get comfortable and I like where I am. Then everything gets turned upside down.

I think that's it for the insightful, thoughtful, meaningful whining. I feel like starting my day soon. I could use a shower, a cute outfit, and of course breakfast. So here is a list of yays and nays going on in my life.

YAY!
Cats cuddling with me while I'm home
Big bed to sleep in
Care packages from friends
Family that loves me
Seeing friends I haven't seen in a while
Music
Warm days

NAY!
Money problems
Budgeting
Boy problems- still
Annoying family drama
A messy bedroom
Panicky feeling in my gut
Songs that make me sad but I listen to anyway

Just to make this into a sandwich of good, bad, good- have you guys seen this video? It is SO cute!

Pieces are Falling into Place

YES! On Thursday I got an email from the place I interviewed at last week for a possible internship. I got it! I will be working at Sugarsnap starting in June. I am so excited! It's exactly what I want. This is like a huge pressure off my shoulders! I even know what I'm doing for housing. It's not ideal, but I'll be staying in the dorms.

I have been busy the last few weeks. I've got a few of my big projects turned in now. Only another two weeks of school! Well, at least until October when I continue into BA program. I can't believe how many of my friends are leaving at the end of the month, I am going to miss them all so much.

I have been doing more than just schoolwork, though. I've been getting community service hours done. Picking up cigarette butts is gross. But so worth not having to pay a bigger fine and not having a mark on my record. I have been hanging out a lot too. Swimming when it decided to be nice out. We had 80 degree days! Then we got more snow. New England weather....

I'm recovering from a nasty cold. I didn't get sick all winter. Why'd I have to get sick now? Ugh. At least I'm getting better. I am actually attending my friends' pig roast today. Can you say YUM? I'll be DDing for it. Whoo hoo babysitting drunk people! I have to say it is very entertaining.

Any way, just a random update on my life. Which I am loving every minute of. I hope everyone is doing well.

Excited Over Compost

So, for my Capstone Project I emailed the composting company my school uses (Vermont Compost Company) asking them what kind of compostable products they accepted. I asked specifically about biodegradable take-out containers and compostable kitchen gloves. The email I got back shocked me.

Hi Tori

We do not currently accept "compostable" products but we know there are new things coming out all the time and we realize that we need to start re-considering some of the options. Could you get samples for us and info about the suppliers?

Thanks!

Jennifer

I think I even squealed when I read that email! I am so excited that I have the chance to help this big company possibly change their policies and accept man-made compostable products in their bins.

I was telling my parents about this and my mom says they might consider beginning to compost. It took me forever to get them to recycle, so that would be a big step. I just need to gather info about the benefits of composting, why it's so important, and how to do it. (I'm supposed to do this for my project anyway) Once I get this info I can share it with more than just my family. I can share it with schools, restaurants, and anyone else who will listen.

I am truly more excited about all this than I am about the beautiful 70 degree day being predicted, that I can wear a skirt, and that I'm hanging out with a bunch of friends today. This weekend is going to be so awesome.

Change

It's good, right? I certainly hope so because just about all that's been happening lately is changes.

I am busier than ever now! I have five projects I'm working on (one of those is finding my internship...) on top of weekly homework assignments.

There are only SIX WEEKS of school left. This is terrifying for multiple reasons. One being that I don't have an internship yet. Another being that it means saying goodbye to a lot of friends. And finally that means I only have six weeks to complete my capstone project.

Did I tell you about my capstone project? I'm trying to make NECI a greener school. I'm doing a ton of research about compostable gloves and biodegradable trash bags. I get a headache just thinking about all the research, emails, and phone calls involved in this.

I am planning the next appreciation dinner for the students who are leaving. Well I'm in charge of the front of house aspect of it! They have other people taking care of the food part of it, I'll be consulting with them.

I am planning something for Green Up Day on May 1st. Is this something that only takes place in Vermont? Anyway I'm excited about that.

Did I mention that my fines from getting in trouble for drinking are now officially all paid off? I've been working. Yay money! I still have community service hours, but that shouldn't be too hard.

I have a new roommate. It's my awesome friend Lexie, so I'm really happy about it.

As of last night I have a date on Sunday. I am wicked nervous about it. Did you know I've never been on a date? Seriously. I'm going to the movies with a nice guy, though. As nervous as I am I'm also excited.

One thing that hasn't changed is I still have a great group of friends who I hang out with whenever I'm not (or they're not) doing mass quantities of homework. I love having a social life.

More Love

Angela at The Pagan Mom Blog has gifted me this sweet blog award. Thanks! I needed something to blog about. =]

These are the rules of the award

1.Thank the person who gave you this award.
2.Share 7 things about yourself.
3.Pass the award along to 4 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!
4.Contact the bloggers you’ve picked and let them know about the award.

My 7 Things

1. I am forever the optimist. It takes a lot to get me down usually. The little episode where I was sad for a couple weeks really scared me. I'm glad that it's over, thanks to my AMAZING friends showing me that I'm loved.
2. People are very important to me. I didn't realize this until I came to school. I never thought of myself as absolutely needing to be around others who I know care about me, but it is something I need. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
3. I enjoy pushing myself to go farther than I think I can. I want to know that I can do things. I get very down on myself when I mess something up.
4. There are times when I have no control over my emotions. My emotions scare me, and I don't share the negative ones very often. When I lose control over them I don't know who I am.
5. I am a 5-year-old at heart. I have a jump rope, sidewalk chalk, and balloons.
6. I have punch ball balloons that I punch when I get angry or frustrated. It really works!
7. I have big plans for my future. Since coming to school I constantly worry that there is more expected from me than I want to do, though. If I think about the future too much I get really scared and freak out.

Due to my being so absent as of late I'm not really sure who to pass this on to. If you're reading then please take it and share something about yourself with me! Tell me in a comment if you take it so I can make sure to read your post.

I Love My Friends

I have the greatest friends in the whole world. They know I've been kind of down lately, so guess what they did for me?





I'm not sad anymore, and I don't think I could possibly feel sad at all the rest of my time here at school with friends like this.

Hola!

Don't ask why I put the title in Spanish. I don't really know. I'm still a little sleepy... It's before 7AM. I went to bed wicked early last night because I was tired. I convinced myself I'd wake up early and write the paper I have due in.... 6 hours. I will write it, I just don't know what I was thinking saying I'd write it before breakfast! I might be an early to bed, early to rise kind of person- but nothing gets done before breakfast.

I'm actually doing a presentation for one of my classes about the importance of eating breakfast. Yay research! And yay because I was telling my nutrition teacher about the project and she said we'd figure out a way for me to turn it in for her class also. Think I'm gonna turn down extra credit? Heck no!

I realize now that my blog is not anything pagan related what-so-ever anymore. I won't lie, that's because there isn't much pagan related going on in my life. It's more of a "Hey, yeah.... hi. I kind of forgot you existed for a while." thing at the moment. The sad part is I don't know how I can work it more into my life. It's tough to find a free moment.

Wednesday was a bad day. I found out I have to go to deposition for that thing that happened way back in December 2008. It ruined my day to think about that. The state of VT is pretty sure they have a solid case against him, though. Apparently he did this at multiple other stores. I don't want to deal with this. That's the only thing I wanted, to be left alone.

I'm going home for the first time in weeks tonight. My cousin and I are going to see Alice in Wonderland! Then tomorrow morning I have a doctor's appointment. My doctor is concerned that I might be anemic so she wants to draw blood. I'm more than a little freaked out. I am going to need someone (most likely my cousin) to sit on me so I don't get up and run away. Tori + needles = not good. I'm almost okay with getting injections (almost). A tattoo needle doesn't go that deep (plus you get a kick-ass tattoo out if it). But drawing blood? No way. Nuh-uh. I have been avoiding donating blood for years because of this fear. Maybe after this (you know, if I'm not anemic) I'll be okay enough to donate blood. I've wanted to, but I'm a big chicken.

Now that I've written all this I'm tired again. I slept horribly last night. I went to bed thinking about something upsetting, then had dreams all night about hitting someone I dislike in the face. Apparently I'm more violent in my dreams than in real life, because I swear I wouldn't actually hit them.

Updates: RTT Style

I decided to play along with Random Tuesday Thoughts.



I'm in my nutrition class right now. Not only have I been on my computer the whole time, but I have been answering 50% of the questions the teacher asks. I feel really good about my multi-tasking ability.

As part of our nutrition class we are keeping track of everything we eat. Eye opening? Definitely. Useful? Kind of. I'm working more fruits and vegetables into my diet now, but I don't have a lot of control over what I eat usually. I eat whatever they serve at the cafeteria.

I'm hooked on this website My Life is Average. It's funny and makes me happy. Go there!

I have an appointment with a substance abuse counsellor on Thursday. It's going to cost me $110. This little fuck up is costing me a lot of money. State of Vermont, you have your wish I've realized drinking underage is not worth it. Happy?

We just started cooking on the line yesterday. Every Monday we will be cooking lunch for The Grill. We were all so scared, but it turns out it was pretty easy. And fun! I'm looking forward to next Monday. The only thing is by 7:00 last night I felt like I was gonna die. Being in the kitchen is a lot more physically exhausting that being in a classroom learning the mental side of the restaurant industry.

I fell asleep last night talking to myself. I was doing Suzie's New Moon Cleansing. She said we had to talk, so I was talking. I woke up feeling better, both physically and spiritually. I'm trying to bring the spiritual back into my life. I guess it's a good thing I realized Ostara is on Saturday. I'll figure out how to celebrate.

Speaking of Ostara and spring- it's wicked nice here! I'm starting to think maybe we won't get hit with one more big snow storm before the end of March. I can only hope the warm is here to stay.

I have a nice group of friends here. Every night we usually watch a movie or play outside. Sometimes both. Tonight we're thinking playing outside so we can enjoy the nice weather. I'm loving college. <3

Reconnecting

Today I realized just how disconnected I've become. Suzie posted about the new moon coming up on Monday. Really? I had no clue what phase the moon was in. I haven't since November. I even missed the New Year's Eve Blue Moon! I can't believe I've let myself forget all this. Life got in the way. I've been dealing with a lot of emotional baggage, and on Monday I plan to let it all go.

I am determined to bring the cycles and phases back into my life. Even if I can't do anything, just observing them is important.

So, blog buddies, I am asking you please wish me luck with clearing myself of the emotional baggage that has been keeping me down. Wish me luck with bringing my spirituality back into my life. I can get hugs and encouraging words from my friends here at school, but I still haven't found someone with whom I can talk about the cycles and seasons. I don't want to lose it.

Hey all! I'm alive... honest! I've just been busy. And I'm only going to get busier. I've got three major events for a class coming up over the next two weeks. Tomorrow we are judging the Vermont State Skills USA for table service. On the 14th we get to visit the Boston Food Show. And we have another event on the 18th, in-town luckily. We're going to have a lot of off-site catering events this mod. It's exciting, but so time consuming! I am also working now in the NECI snack shack. Nothing too glamorous. I may also start working in the cafeteria. I need money, so I don't really have a choice.

I paid off my $125 fine with the school for drinking on campus. I still have to pay $175 to the state. And I have to pay to take substance abuse counseling. Plus I have 16 hours of community service. I swear if I never drink underage again the sole purpose of that would be so I don't have to put up with all this bullshit again. My case manager told me to check with my health insurance to see if maybe they cover substance abuse counseling. Great idea, right? So I checked... Of course they don't! =/

Even though I have all those things to pay for I had to buy a new laptop for school. I bought it using scholarship money. I love it! I am relieved to have a working laptop.

Sorry for such a long absence. I'm doing fine. Sorry for the short check-in.

PS- IT FEELS LIKE SPRING! =] I wonder how long it will last? It's saying high 30's - low 40's for the next week and a half. How awesome is that? I'm sorry to anyone still struggling through harsh winter weather.

Ooops

Well blog buddies I am only human! And a teenager at that. Everyone messes up, right?

Yesterday 3 friends and I were hanging out in one of their dorm rooms. We were playing Jenga and drinking a little. Someone who doesn't like us apparently knew we had the alcohol and decided to call the cops. They told the cops there was a party going on. Since when does 4 people playing Jenga qualify as a party? Anyway 8 cops showed up to bust our 'party'. The cops were pissed because 8 cops is most of the Montpelier police force and they all came to bust up a game of Jenga. They even told a friend of ours how badly they felt after because they made me and Lexie cry.

We have to pay a fine to the school for drinking on campus. We also have to take a class with the state. After the class this will be wiped off our records. I won't say none of that matters, but it's not the worst of it. The worst for me was telling my parents. They expect so much from me and I've always hated letting them down. I guess disappointing my parents is just a part of growing up. I can't be who they want me to be.

Everyone on campus is pissed that someone narced on us. I mean, why us? There was a girl totally shit-faced and throwing up on the third floor the night before and people get high on campus all the time! We weren't even drunk! I blew a .023, that's like one drink. We're all trying to figure out who the NECI narc is, because that is just not cool. They totally bypassed the RA's and called the cops. What a jerk.

Self-Search Update

I didn't post as much as I had planned last week. Not even close. But schoolwork piled up, and it still kind of is. We're nearing the end of the mod (NECI's term for semester) so all of our final projects are due soon along with the regularly assigned homework. It's a little hectic!

Valentine's Day sucked. I'm not talking about the movie. Although speaking of movies I did see that movie Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. For anyone who knew anything about Greek Mythology it seemed a little dumbed down. It's based off a book meant for middle schoolers, though, so it has to be expected. It was still a good movie.

Even though I might not be in the mood to write about love like I promised in my last post, I have an update on the self-searching. I asked myself the questions: Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What do I want to get out of life?
I got these answers. I see them as little goals for myself. =]

•I want to excel in the food/ hospitality industry
•I want to become fluent in at least Spanish
•I want to learn how to dance
•I want to learn to play the harp
•I want to enjoy nature
•I want to eat foods that are fresh and local
•I want to travel
•I want to be self-confident
•I want to own my own restaurant some day
•I want to eventually get married, have children, and settle down

The next step is writing down how I can achieve these goals and then actually following through with them. Example: I want to excel in the food/ hospitality industry. The easiest way to achieve this goal would be to continue my education here at NECI. I need to push myself into taking an internship that challenges me a little. But before I can do this I need to get the paperwork in order! See? It's all about steps. I have to organize and prioritize.

I want to become fluent in Spanish. My Spanish class that I've been taking all mod is ending soon! I'm worried I might forget everything I've learned. In order to continue practicing I am considering buying a Nintendo DS so I can buy the My Spanish Coach game. Does anyone know how well the game works? The cool thing is if it works well for Spanish then I can buy the one for French, which I'd also love to become fluent in. Then I could move on to another language if I wanted. Plus I'd have a Nintendo DS and I could buy some other fun games for it. Tetris anyone?

The Secret of Life

I read a very inspiring blog post on Xanga a few weeks ago. It talked about recognizing the obvious, but then it also spoke of the secret of life. It simplified it so beautifully that it has become the banner on my cell phone. What is the secret of life according to this person? Two things. Learning and Love. The writer also said that the secret was so obvious that most often failed to recognize, let alone realize (he also goes into the difference between recognition and realization in this post) it. The whole thing ties together nicely, teaching three important lessons. I suggest you take a look at it.

Why do I agree so whole-heartedly that these two simple things are indeed the secret of life? 1) Like the author of that post said, it's so damn obvious I can't believe I didn't see it before 2) It feels right 3) I already knew half of it

I knew the learning half of the secret a while ago. I've often said that the purpose in my life was to learn as much as possible. I still agree that I should be absorbing knowledge like a sponge, but the second part of the secret falls into it so perfectly and feels so right that I just know it was waiting to be realized. And I have.

I've realized that you should never be afraid to give love. This link will take you to a page with animation and music, it is a project titled "Love and Fear". It's very moving. It accurately defines both love and fear, and shows how they are connected. Love is the absence of fear. Fear is the absence of love. Nicely put, no?

I think maybe the love half of the secret can get confusing sometimes. I am going to write a post closer to (maybe on) Valentine's Day where I go deeper into what I believe about love.

Time to Re-Evaluate

After Suzie's 'pity party' (Honestly it was more of a liberating rant-fest for women to realize what they want to change in their lives! I urge you to read what people wrote. It's amazing.) and getting some wonderful advice I realized something. I have changed so much lately that I need to re-evaluate who I am and what I want out of life. I don't know anymore! That seems insane to me. This time last year I was so sure of myself and what I wanted.

Now I know that I never knew what I wanted. I knew what other people wanted for me. I was identifying too much with everyone around me, and I was lost. And for the first five months of being here at college I was trying desperately to hang onto that connection I felt because I was afraid. I'm done letting that fear overcome me! I'm going to spend the next two weeks finding myself. I am going to start with who I was trying to be before, then move on to who I am trying to be now.

The reason I'm squashing it all into two weeks? 1) I like deadlines, they help me get things done 2) In two weeks my cousin is going to be leaving for her internship so I'll really be here on my own 3) My third term here will be starting and I will need to start seriously looking for internships

I know that this is a long process and it will never really be over, but I'm making the next two weeks intense! I'll update my progress here on my blog.

Networking

So this morning I went to a career fair for school. As all the teachers kept saying, it's a great networking tool. Basically I walked around, talked to people about restaurants and resorts that I have no interest in, and handed out 7 of the 10 resumes I printed. I really hope none of them call me. There weren't any places there that interested me. Or anyone else as far as I could tell. But it was mandatory to attend so we all dressed up and went anyway.

I did mention that I now want to stay on for the BA Hospitality program, right? I just need to find the money for it and fill out the paperwork. If I do end up doing the BA program then my 700 hour internship gets turned into a 350 hour internship, and I'd be coming back to residency in October. Then I get another internship nine months later. If I don't stay on for the BA then I go out for my 700 hour internship in June, graduate, and I'm done. Boom, bam, Associates Degree complete.

I'm just planning on staying for the BA program at this point. Right now I am trying to decide on where I want to intern in June. The real question here for me is do I want to go home for internship or stay around Montpelier? If I stay around Montpelier I can stay in the dorms. If I go home obviously I have my parent's house to stay in. I don't think going home is a good idea. Financially it is, but I think it would be detrimental to my personal growth. Plus I think I'd go nuts. I don't really want to live with my parents again.

The reason I'm so interested in staying around Vermont is because I really love the idea of the Vermont Fresh Network. It partners farmers and chefs, keeping all the food in the restaurant local. This is definitely something I want to learn more about. Coming back for the BA program would mean choosing to either focus my studies on sustainability or wine. I'm much more interested in sustainability. I would learn about agriculture and the environment, exactly what I want!

I went home over the weekend so I could get my taxes and FAFSA done with. (Totally got those out of the way, and I have some money coming back to me for working that terrible summer job!)I also asked my parents to take me out to eat at a certain local restaurent. I was dying to meet this chef. He is not only a NECI graduate, but he is the president of the Vermont Fresh Network. Could it be any more perfect? The possibility of interning at his restaurant (which has an amazing relaxed atmosphere) is the only reason I am considering going home for internship. I did get to meet the chef, however briefly, and he told me to keep in touch if I was looking for an internship around the area.

Haha, I'm finally letting you guys know what's going on with school. I realized that I hadn't been. So what do you think?

Enneagram

Through the years I've taken a lot of personality tests. They've always interested me. I've been on this path of trying to discover who I am for a while I guess. I've done numerology and know what numbers I am. I know my sun sign, my moon sign, and even my rising sign. I've talked about those before, though. One personality test I took that I think is really accurate it the Enneagram Test.


The first time I took it I actually mistyped myself as a 4. It didn't feel right, and only matched me some of the time. I retook the test and was correctly typed as a 9. It even says that some 9's mistype as 4's. After reading the Type Nine description it not only felt right and matched me all of the time, but I had tears in my eyes. The truth hurts. Every now and then I will re-read the Type Nine description and every time I do I will end up crying a little because it puts into words one of the characteristics I am living at the time. It is amazing to find something that makes it make so much sense. I am a Type Nine to a T.

The line that made me cry this morning? "However, what they generally do not have is a sense of really inhabiting themselves—a strong sense of their own identity."

While reading those words this morning I burst into tears. It's so true. I am reading a more in depth description of the Type Nine now, and once again it hurts to read words that cut so deeply.

"As long as Nines are idealizing other people, they will also tend to devalue themselves. It is as though they project all of the qualities that they feel they cannot have onto the idealized other. Strength, self-assertion, poise, self-confidence, and many other positive qualities are perceived as present in the other and lacking in the self."

"Nines typically "solve" the problem of having aggressions by ignoring them out of existence. When Nines inadvertently act aggressively, they simply deny that they have done so. To a certain degree, the peace of average to unhealthy Nines is therefore something of an illusion, a form of willful blindness, a kind of self-deception. They do not realize that to maintain their peace, they have dissociated themselves from themselves—and from reality."

"Connecting with both parents gives at least healthy to average Nines a sense of support and identity because their identity is more or less "given." However, in the process of psychological and spiritual development, Nines may come to see that the identity they have assumed is not who they really are and that they are often dependent on something outside themselves for support."

I've noticed all these aspects about myself before. I know they're there. I want to know what I can do about them. How do I learn how to be my own person after relying on other people to define who I was for 19 years? This test is very useful for pointing out the problems, not so useful for helping you solve them. Right now I am left feeling empty. I've already begun numbing myself from all these unpleasant thoughts.

I am trying to become my own person. I've always been so indecisive. That needs to stop. How much have I missed out on by choosing to ignore what I want and focus on making those around me happy?

Advice?

Okay, well not so much advice as would you be willing to share your opinions? I am trying to form my own opinion on the subject and I would greatly appreciate knowing other people's views.

What is your stance on doing things that you might regret later?

I am having a lot of conflicting emotions and thoughts lately. I desperately need someone to talk to, but the one person who knows the situation is the one person I probably shouldn't talk to about it. No, I take that back- I should talk to them, just not until after I figure some things out.

I asked a teacher what she thought about doing things you might regret. Her response? Think about it more, because that means you might be doing something against what you believe is right. What about when I don't know what I believe is right?

Come to think of it I really respect this teacher, maybe I'll ask if I can talk to her about the situation that is distressing me so much. She would probably understand, and I know she wouldn't talk to anyone else about it. I can't trust any of my peers to not talk about it with others. A sad situation, but true.

I can guarantee that if asked most of my peers would also say that I need to live life to it's fullest and just be happy while I can. But what if that means being hurt later? Not thinking ahead gets you in trouble. But it also prevents you from having fun.

It's taking a lot to not cry right now. My cousin is sitting across the room from me, and I don't even feel comfortable talking to her about this. I need an outside opinion.

A Million Things Running Through My Mind

Homework I could/ should be doing:
•Working on the Fundamentals of Marketing slideshow
•Looking up info for my Taste & Flavor Beverages paper (herbal liqueurs)
•Writing my diario for Espanol
•Writing an editorial about capital punishment (Why is this even an assignment?!)
•Working on the final project for Human Resources
•Reading part 3 of How to Win Friends for Interpersonal Communications
•Reading chapter 10 in the Interpersonal Communications textbook

Other (productive) things I could be doing:
•Coming up with a good argument for the debate I was having with my Human Resources teacher this morning (He doesn’t believe in situational ethics, he says it’s always black or white. I disagree!)
•Reading Setting the Table (this book is so informative! I love it!)
•Studying my Visual Food Lover’s Guide (I’m brushing up on my product ID)
•Writing something cool for the new school paper thing coming out soon

This blog post is proof that I chose to do none of these things. Instead I’m thinking about:
•This stupid cold sore I’ve got
•Worrying about catching this flu that’s going around
•How much longer I’m going to procrastinate before I actually do any of my homework
•If I’ll find anything to do this weekend
•Why I have no money to do anything
•If this guy, Cam, likes me or if he’s just being nice
•If I’d give Cam a chance if he ever did ask me out
•If I like my new haircut or not (I really can’t decide)
•How unhealthy I’ve been eating
•That I haven’t been exercising at all
•That I haven’t been keeping up with everyone’s blogs (sorry!)
•That I still haven’t written that email to Emma yet (sorry Bet!)
•That I said I was going to be social, but even though I’ve had every night free I’ve been a lame-o sitting in my room by myself because I’m too chicken
•How happy I am that I think I can finally be just friends with Aaron ((aka that guy) I mean there’s no avoiding him. I see him all the time! Friendship is a lot less awkward and sad.)
•That I want to smash my laptop with a hammer because it is a POS

Yeah. I have a lot of stuff running through my mind. Not quite a million things, but a lot. Sometimes I wonder why I can’t just turn my brain off.

Update:

Here are the pictures of my new haircut! I don't think I like it down, but I definitely like it up. It came out shorter than I wanted. =/

Getting a Life

Hello world! Are you still there? I'm so relieved, we just finished a major group project tonight, and it's getting passed in tomorrow morning. Then I am never thinking about it again. Ever.

I baked cupcakes this morning! I had a ton of fun decorating them. I think they came out pretty awesome. I'm going to bring some of them to class tomorrow to share with my blockmates in celebration of finishing the project.




My weekend was interesting... Saturday morning I drove home, and I am ashamed to say I got pulled over for speeding on the highway. From this I learned basically to do the opposite of whatever my cousin does. She is the one who taught me to drive on the highway and since she did 80 all the time I naturally assumed it was alright. Wrong! She has copdar, I do not. Luckily I got off with a written warning. It scared the crap out of me, and I learned my lesson. No more going fast.

Saturday night I was social! I went with my cousin to a party at her friend's house. I also hung out with Amy and we learned how to play Risk. Hooray! Risk is way more fun than Monopoly by the way. I also went out and got my hair cut. It's shorter than I wanted it to be, but it works. I also got some new clothes.

New haircut? New clothes? Being social? What is this? I like it. I am committing to this idea of me doing stuff. Like making friends. Why is this so much harder than it sounds?

Speaking of friends- I am working on not liking that guy anymore, because I really would still like to be friends with him. This is really hard, but I'm going to do it. It probably doesn't help that every other song I hear is a love song. That's what I get for liking country music. It really isn't the kind of music you listen to when you want to feel better!

Better Day

Thanks everyone for all the supportive comments! They mean a lot to me.

Fifteen minutes until dinner (which will hopefully be edible since I am hungry), procrastinating on homework until after I eat... so here I am writing a blog post for all of you! Even though I really don't have much to talk about. My days are apparently fluctuating between good and bad. After my Sunday morning meltdown Sunday afternoon was good, Monday was good, Tuesday was just not a good day! It was stressful and emotional. I still haven't talked to him yet, and I know I need to. For me the worst thing I have realized is that even after all this, I still like him. Almost everything about him. And not just him, but who I was around him. He brought out the best in me. He made me confident and social. He made me want to excel in this industry and do better and learn more. My friends of course keep telling me that I need to learn how to bring these things out in myself. Which I know is true! It's just so hard, after not having any confidence in myself for 19 years. I have been telling myself "You suck, you can't do this, you can't do anything." For 19 years. It's like every time someone told me I could do something, or that I was good at something I seemed to shrug it off and forget that they can see what I can't in myself.

Today was a better day. I expressed the doubt I was feeling about myself being able to do well in this program to a teacher and he told me I was wrong. He told me that I could do not only this program, but that I could do the BA program as well. 'I know it,' he said. The difference this time was... I believed him. I am now considering the BA program. I need to look more into it, but I am definitely considering it! I'm finding my confidence. This has made my day. :)

Update: it's been a long time since I've participated in Wishcasting Wednesday! I found it again through a retweet. So I think I'm gonna wish. Jamie asks us How do you wish to shine?

I wish to shine with confidence all on my own. From the inside out.

New Attitude

So this morning I was ready to publish a post titled 'FML!' I was extremely upset and confused. Why? That boy again. According to him, we weren't dating. I'm not willing to post the whole situation on my blog right now. I am considering writing it all down in story form, though. If I do, you'll all get to read it.

No, I am not upset and confused anymore. I don't exactly know how it happened, but I started looking at it from a different view. Forget the cause, focus on the effect. I made a list. A couple of lists, actually. The first one was what I learned from this whole mess. The knowledge gained from a month of complete confusion. It was written while I was still upset, so some of it may be a little off.

•I’m very submissive & timid
•I am willing to give up things I enjoy in order to be with someone I care about
•It pretty much kills me to hurt another person
•I’m easy to read
•I need friends to talk to about the emotional upsets in my life
•I don’t know myself very well at all
•I like being in a relationship
•I need to be surrounded by outgoing people in order to be outgoing
•I want to be outgoing
•I want need my future partner to be outgoing
•I have the ability to lose myself to another person, so I need to be careful
•I need to be my own person

When I realized that I had almost lost my own identity because I got so wrapped up in him, it scared me. I knew I needed to define myself. So I wrote this list.

•I’m a small town girl. Fuck cities. Fuck big.
•I’m Pagan. I’m spiritual. I need to hold this close to me in order to be ok.
•I don’t like getting angry. I talk to people when I have a problem with them. If you don’t talk to me when you have a problem with me I can’t trust you.
•I will not be physical without it being a real relationship. My heart can’t handle that.
•Give me nature or give me death.
•I couldn’t handle working in a big resort. I don’t want to work at a big restaurant. I don’t dig fancy.
•I’m willing to try new things. I want to learn. Teach me.
•My family and friends have been the most important things in my life for a long time. I don’t plan on being very far away from them. Home is extremely important to me.
•My happiest moments in life have been those of self-discovery and making others happy.
•I am on a path of constant self-discovery.

Truthfully, the last two are my favorites. <3

What The New Year Brings- 2010

I finally have a little free time! So, like I did last year, I am going to tell what numerology has to say for the new year. Both in general and for me specifically.

2010 breaks down to the number 3. 2010 is a year for change. But while change usually brings chaos and fear, 2010 is a year of optimism. Everyone can see that after 2009 we could use some big changes!

My personal year for 2010 is 2. This means that it will be a year of patiently waiting to see my plans from 2009 develop. It is a year for cooperation and involving others in my plans. There is a focus on relationships in a 2 personal year.

I can already feel that this is going to be an interesting year! 2 just feels 'right'. Especially that last bit about relationships. That boy who was driving me nuts and confusing that crap out of me? We're finally dating. :)

Sorry this is so short. My mind can't focus on one thing for very long lately. Plus I'm tired. I hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve!