No, I am not upset and confused anymore. I don't exactly know how it happened, but I started looking at it from a different view. Forget the cause, focus on the effect. I made a list. A couple of lists, actually. The first one was what I learned from this whole mess. The knowledge gained from a month of complete confusion. It was written while I was still upset, so some of it may be a little off.
•I’m very submissive & timid
•I am willing to give up things I enjoy in order to be with someone I care about
•It pretty much kills me to hurt another person
•I’m easy to read
•I need friends to talk to about the emotional upsets in my life
•I don’t know myself very well at all
•I like being in a relationship
•I need to be surrounded by outgoing people in order to be outgoing
•I want to be outgoing
•I
•I have the ability to lose myself to another person, so I need to be careful
•I need to be my own person
When I realized that I had almost lost my own identity because I got so wrapped up in him, it scared me. I knew I needed to define myself. So I wrote this list.
•I’m a small town girl. Fuck cities. Fuck big.
•I’m Pagan. I’m spiritual. I need to hold this close to me in order to be ok.
•I don’t like getting angry. I talk to people when I have a problem with them. If you don’t talk to me when you have a problem with me I can’t trust you.
•I will not be physical without it being a real relationship. My heart can’t handle that.
•Give me nature or give me death.
•I couldn’t handle working in a big resort. I don’t want to work at a big restaurant. I don’t dig fancy.
•I’m willing to try new things. I want to learn. Teach me.
•My family and friends have been the most important things in my life for a long time. I don’t plan on being very far away from them. Home is extremely important to me.
•My happiest moments in life have been those of self-discovery and making others happy.
•I am on a path of constant self-discovery.
Truthfully, the last two are my favorites. <3
Yes, I read his 'ass-bag' comment on your page, and truthfully, that's exactly what I thought he was being.
ReplyDeleteYou can and will do so much better than him.
From these lists, it sounds as if you know yourself very well. Good for you. That's a huge step for anybody. Because you can't love others until you love yourself. Cliche, but true.
Big hugs!
)O(
boo
I'm behind and I need to catch up!!! But this list sounds like a very healthy attitude to take!
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome Tori! Your first list says... "I don’t know myself very well at all"
ReplyDeleteI disagree chickie. I think you have a great handle on every aspect of your life, including knowing yourself well, what you want and what you don't want.
Trust me, you're at the age where you will stick with what is true to your character and beliefs and moral structure, and you won't have any problem letting the rest go.
STICK TO BEING YOU !!!!! Don't change for anyone.....you rock!
Although he was a big stupid jerk and you totally deserve better, isn't it amazing how much you learned from this process? Never compromise, be true to yourself and keep your standards high. Makes all the difference in the world! Give me nature too, I so hear you on that.
ReplyDeleteWow! You are awe-inspiring. I wish I had 10% of your self-awareness at your age. As the proverbial saying goes, his loss. Nuff said. Hugs! :)
ReplyDeleteLove your list - be true to yourself. Guys that act like that are just children trying to play 'grown-up.' Not worth your time or energy. Toss the jerk to the curb and don't look back. You have a bright future ahead of you!
ReplyDeleteWow, I absolutely admire your self-awareness! I wish I could know myself better.
ReplyDeleteI hope things get better between you and that jerk. He is so not worth your time and attention!