No, I am not upset and confused anymore. I don't exactly know how it happened, but I started looking at it from a different view. Forget the cause, focus on the effect. I made a list. A couple of lists, actually. The first one was what I learned from this whole mess. The knowledge gained from a month of complete confusion. It was written while I was still upset, so some of it may be a little off.
•I’m very submissive & timid
•I am willing to give up things I enjoy in order to be with someone I care about
•It pretty much kills me to hurt another person
•I’m easy to read
•I need friends to talk to about the emotional upsets in my life
•I don’t know myself very well at all
•I like being in a relationship
•I need to be surrounded by outgoing people in order to be outgoing
•I want to be outgoing
•I have the ability to lose myself to another person, so I need to be careful
•I need to be my own person
When I realized that I had almost lost my own identity because I got so wrapped up in him, it scared me. I knew I needed to define myself. So I wrote this list.
•I’m a small town girl. Fuck cities. Fuck big.
•I’m Pagan. I’m spiritual. I need to hold this close to me in order to be ok.
•I don’t like getting angry. I talk to people when I have a problem with them. If you don’t talk to me when you have a problem with me I can’t trust you.
•I will not be physical without it being a real relationship. My heart can’t handle that.
•Give me nature or give me death.
•I couldn’t handle working in a big resort. I don’t want to work at a big restaurant. I don’t dig fancy.
•I’m willing to try new things. I want to learn. Teach me.
•My family and friends have been the most important things in my life for a long time. I don’t plan on being very far away from them. Home is extremely important to me.
•My happiest moments in life have been those of self-discovery and making others happy.
•I am on a path of constant self-discovery.
Truthfully, the last two are my favorites. <3