Updates: RTT Style

I decided to play along with Random Tuesday Thoughts.



I'm in my nutrition class right now. Not only have I been on my computer the whole time, but I have been answering 50% of the questions the teacher asks. I feel really good about my multi-tasking ability.

As part of our nutrition class we are keeping track of everything we eat. Eye opening? Definitely. Useful? Kind of. I'm working more fruits and vegetables into my diet now, but I don't have a lot of control over what I eat usually. I eat whatever they serve at the cafeteria.

I'm hooked on this website My Life is Average. It's funny and makes me happy. Go there!

I have an appointment with a substance abuse counsellor on Thursday. It's going to cost me $110. This little fuck up is costing me a lot of money. State of Vermont, you have your wish I've realized drinking underage is not worth it. Happy?

We just started cooking on the line yesterday. Every Monday we will be cooking lunch for The Grill. We were all so scared, but it turns out it was pretty easy. And fun! I'm looking forward to next Monday. The only thing is by 7:00 last night I felt like I was gonna die. Being in the kitchen is a lot more physically exhausting that being in a classroom learning the mental side of the restaurant industry.

I fell asleep last night talking to myself. I was doing Suzie's New Moon Cleansing. She said we had to talk, so I was talking. I woke up feeling better, both physically and spiritually. I'm trying to bring the spiritual back into my life. I guess it's a good thing I realized Ostara is on Saturday. I'll figure out how to celebrate.

Speaking of Ostara and spring- it's wicked nice here! I'm starting to think maybe we won't get hit with one more big snow storm before the end of March. I can only hope the warm is here to stay.

I have a nice group of friends here. Every night we usually watch a movie or play outside. Sometimes both. Tonight we're thinking playing outside so we can enjoy the nice weather. I'm loving college. <3

Reconnecting

Today I realized just how disconnected I've become. Suzie posted about the new moon coming up on Monday. Really? I had no clue what phase the moon was in. I haven't since November. I even missed the New Year's Eve Blue Moon! I can't believe I've let myself forget all this. Life got in the way. I've been dealing with a lot of emotional baggage, and on Monday I plan to let it all go.

I am determined to bring the cycles and phases back into my life. Even if I can't do anything, just observing them is important.

So, blog buddies, I am asking you please wish me luck with clearing myself of the emotional baggage that has been keeping me down. Wish me luck with bringing my spirituality back into my life. I can get hugs and encouraging words from my friends here at school, but I still haven't found someone with whom I can talk about the cycles and seasons. I don't want to lose it.

Hey all! I'm alive... honest! I've just been busy. And I'm only going to get busier. I've got three major events for a class coming up over the next two weeks. Tomorrow we are judging the Vermont State Skills USA for table service. On the 14th we get to visit the Boston Food Show. And we have another event on the 18th, in-town luckily. We're going to have a lot of off-site catering events this mod. It's exciting, but so time consuming! I am also working now in the NECI snack shack. Nothing too glamorous. I may also start working in the cafeteria. I need money, so I don't really have a choice.

I paid off my $125 fine with the school for drinking on campus. I still have to pay $175 to the state. And I have to pay to take substance abuse counseling. Plus I have 16 hours of community service. I swear if I never drink underage again the sole purpose of that would be so I don't have to put up with all this bullshit again. My case manager told me to check with my health insurance to see if maybe they cover substance abuse counseling. Great idea, right? So I checked... Of course they don't! =/

Even though I have all those things to pay for I had to buy a new laptop for school. I bought it using scholarship money. I love it! I am relieved to have a working laptop.

Sorry for such a long absence. I'm doing fine. Sorry for the short check-in.

PS- IT FEELS LIKE SPRING! =] I wonder how long it will last? It's saying high 30's - low 40's for the next week and a half. How awesome is that? I'm sorry to anyone still struggling through harsh winter weather.

Ooops

Well blog buddies I am only human! And a teenager at that. Everyone messes up, right?

Yesterday 3 friends and I were hanging out in one of their dorm rooms. We were playing Jenga and drinking a little. Someone who doesn't like us apparently knew we had the alcohol and decided to call the cops. They told the cops there was a party going on. Since when does 4 people playing Jenga qualify as a party? Anyway 8 cops showed up to bust our 'party'. The cops were pissed because 8 cops is most of the Montpelier police force and they all came to bust up a game of Jenga. They even told a friend of ours how badly they felt after because they made me and Lexie cry.

We have to pay a fine to the school for drinking on campus. We also have to take a class with the state. After the class this will be wiped off our records. I won't say none of that matters, but it's not the worst of it. The worst for me was telling my parents. They expect so much from me and I've always hated letting them down. I guess disappointing my parents is just a part of growing up. I can't be who they want me to be.

Everyone on campus is pissed that someone narced on us. I mean, why us? There was a girl totally shit-faced and throwing up on the third floor the night before and people get high on campus all the time! We weren't even drunk! I blew a .023, that's like one drink. We're all trying to figure out who the NECI narc is, because that is just not cool. They totally bypassed the RA's and called the cops. What a jerk.

Self-Search Update

I didn't post as much as I had planned last week. Not even close. But schoolwork piled up, and it still kind of is. We're nearing the end of the mod (NECI's term for semester) so all of our final projects are due soon along with the regularly assigned homework. It's a little hectic!

Valentine's Day sucked. I'm not talking about the movie. Although speaking of movies I did see that movie Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. For anyone who knew anything about Greek Mythology it seemed a little dumbed down. It's based off a book meant for middle schoolers, though, so it has to be expected. It was still a good movie.

Even though I might not be in the mood to write about love like I promised in my last post, I have an update on the self-searching. I asked myself the questions: Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What do I want to get out of life?
I got these answers. I see them as little goals for myself. =]

•I want to excel in the food/ hospitality industry
•I want to become fluent in at least Spanish
•I want to learn how to dance
•I want to learn to play the harp
•I want to enjoy nature
•I want to eat foods that are fresh and local
•I want to travel
•I want to be self-confident
•I want to own my own restaurant some day
•I want to eventually get married, have children, and settle down

The next step is writing down how I can achieve these goals and then actually following through with them. Example: I want to excel in the food/ hospitality industry. The easiest way to achieve this goal would be to continue my education here at NECI. I need to push myself into taking an internship that challenges me a little. But before I can do this I need to get the paperwork in order! See? It's all about steps. I have to organize and prioritize.

I want to become fluent in Spanish. My Spanish class that I've been taking all mod is ending soon! I'm worried I might forget everything I've learned. In order to continue practicing I am considering buying a Nintendo DS so I can buy the My Spanish Coach game. Does anyone know how well the game works? The cool thing is if it works well for Spanish then I can buy the one for French, which I'd also love to become fluent in. Then I could move on to another language if I wanted. Plus I'd have a Nintendo DS and I could buy some other fun games for it. Tetris anyone?

The Secret of Life

I read a very inspiring blog post on Xanga a few weeks ago. It talked about recognizing the obvious, but then it also spoke of the secret of life. It simplified it so beautifully that it has become the banner on my cell phone. What is the secret of life according to this person? Two things. Learning and Love. The writer also said that the secret was so obvious that most often failed to recognize, let alone realize (he also goes into the difference between recognition and realization in this post) it. The whole thing ties together nicely, teaching three important lessons. I suggest you take a look at it.

Why do I agree so whole-heartedly that these two simple things are indeed the secret of life? 1) Like the author of that post said, it's so damn obvious I can't believe I didn't see it before 2) It feels right 3) I already knew half of it

I knew the learning half of the secret a while ago. I've often said that the purpose in my life was to learn as much as possible. I still agree that I should be absorbing knowledge like a sponge, but the second part of the secret falls into it so perfectly and feels so right that I just know it was waiting to be realized. And I have.

I've realized that you should never be afraid to give love. This link will take you to a page with animation and music, it is a project titled "Love and Fear". It's very moving. It accurately defines both love and fear, and shows how they are connected. Love is the absence of fear. Fear is the absence of love. Nicely put, no?

I think maybe the love half of the secret can get confusing sometimes. I am going to write a post closer to (maybe on) Valentine's Day where I go deeper into what I believe about love.

Time to Re-Evaluate

After Suzie's 'pity party' (Honestly it was more of a liberating rant-fest for women to realize what they want to change in their lives! I urge you to read what people wrote. It's amazing.) and getting some wonderful advice I realized something. I have changed so much lately that I need to re-evaluate who I am and what I want out of life. I don't know anymore! That seems insane to me. This time last year I was so sure of myself and what I wanted.

Now I know that I never knew what I wanted. I knew what other people wanted for me. I was identifying too much with everyone around me, and I was lost. And for the first five months of being here at college I was trying desperately to hang onto that connection I felt because I was afraid. I'm done letting that fear overcome me! I'm going to spend the next two weeks finding myself. I am going to start with who I was trying to be before, then move on to who I am trying to be now.

The reason I'm squashing it all into two weeks? 1) I like deadlines, they help me get things done 2) In two weeks my cousin is going to be leaving for her internship so I'll really be here on my own 3) My third term here will be starting and I will need to start seriously looking for internships

I know that this is a long process and it will never really be over, but I'm making the next two weeks intense! I'll update my progress here on my blog.

Networking

So this morning I went to a career fair for school. As all the teachers kept saying, it's a great networking tool. Basically I walked around, talked to people about restaurants and resorts that I have no interest in, and handed out 7 of the 10 resumes I printed. I really hope none of them call me. There weren't any places there that interested me. Or anyone else as far as I could tell. But it was mandatory to attend so we all dressed up and went anyway.

I did mention that I now want to stay on for the BA Hospitality program, right? I just need to find the money for it and fill out the paperwork. If I do end up doing the BA program then my 700 hour internship gets turned into a 350 hour internship, and I'd be coming back to residency in October. Then I get another internship nine months later. If I don't stay on for the BA then I go out for my 700 hour internship in June, graduate, and I'm done. Boom, bam, Associates Degree complete.

I'm just planning on staying for the BA program at this point. Right now I am trying to decide on where I want to intern in June. The real question here for me is do I want to go home for internship or stay around Montpelier? If I stay around Montpelier I can stay in the dorms. If I go home obviously I have my parent's house to stay in. I don't think going home is a good idea. Financially it is, but I think it would be detrimental to my personal growth. Plus I think I'd go nuts. I don't really want to live with my parents again.

The reason I'm so interested in staying around Vermont is because I really love the idea of the Vermont Fresh Network. It partners farmers and chefs, keeping all the food in the restaurant local. This is definitely something I want to learn more about. Coming back for the BA program would mean choosing to either focus my studies on sustainability or wine. I'm much more interested in sustainability. I would learn about agriculture and the environment, exactly what I want!

I went home over the weekend so I could get my taxes and FAFSA done with. (Totally got those out of the way, and I have some money coming back to me for working that terrible summer job!)I also asked my parents to take me out to eat at a certain local restaurent. I was dying to meet this chef. He is not only a NECI graduate, but he is the president of the Vermont Fresh Network. Could it be any more perfect? The possibility of interning at his restaurant (which has an amazing relaxed atmosphere) is the only reason I am considering going home for internship. I did get to meet the chef, however briefly, and he told me to keep in touch if I was looking for an internship around the area.

Haha, I'm finally letting you guys know what's going on with school. I realized that I hadn't been. So what do you think?

Enneagram

Through the years I've taken a lot of personality tests. They've always interested me. I've been on this path of trying to discover who I am for a while I guess. I've done numerology and know what numbers I am. I know my sun sign, my moon sign, and even my rising sign. I've talked about those before, though. One personality test I took that I think is really accurate it the Enneagram Test.


The first time I took it I actually mistyped myself as a 4. It didn't feel right, and only matched me some of the time. I retook the test and was correctly typed as a 9. It even says that some 9's mistype as 4's. After reading the Type Nine description it not only felt right and matched me all of the time, but I had tears in my eyes. The truth hurts. Every now and then I will re-read the Type Nine description and every time I do I will end up crying a little because it puts into words one of the characteristics I am living at the time. It is amazing to find something that makes it make so much sense. I am a Type Nine to a T.

The line that made me cry this morning? "However, what they generally do not have is a sense of really inhabiting themselves—a strong sense of their own identity."

While reading those words this morning I burst into tears. It's so true. I am reading a more in depth description of the Type Nine now, and once again it hurts to read words that cut so deeply.

"As long as Nines are idealizing other people, they will also tend to devalue themselves. It is as though they project all of the qualities that they feel they cannot have onto the idealized other. Strength, self-assertion, poise, self-confidence, and many other positive qualities are perceived as present in the other and lacking in the self."

"Nines typically "solve" the problem of having aggressions by ignoring them out of existence. When Nines inadvertently act aggressively, they simply deny that they have done so. To a certain degree, the peace of average to unhealthy Nines is therefore something of an illusion, a form of willful blindness, a kind of self-deception. They do not realize that to maintain their peace, they have dissociated themselves from themselves—and from reality."

"Connecting with both parents gives at least healthy to average Nines a sense of support and identity because their identity is more or less "given." However, in the process of psychological and spiritual development, Nines may come to see that the identity they have assumed is not who they really are and that they are often dependent on something outside themselves for support."

I've noticed all these aspects about myself before. I know they're there. I want to know what I can do about them. How do I learn how to be my own person after relying on other people to define who I was for 19 years? This test is very useful for pointing out the problems, not so useful for helping you solve them. Right now I am left feeling empty. I've already begun numbing myself from all these unpleasant thoughts.

I am trying to become my own person. I've always been so indecisive. That needs to stop. How much have I missed out on by choosing to ignore what I want and focus on making those around me happy?

Advice?

Okay, well not so much advice as would you be willing to share your opinions? I am trying to form my own opinion on the subject and I would greatly appreciate knowing other people's views.

What is your stance on doing things that you might regret later?

I am having a lot of conflicting emotions and thoughts lately. I desperately need someone to talk to, but the one person who knows the situation is the one person I probably shouldn't talk to about it. No, I take that back- I should talk to them, just not until after I figure some things out.

I asked a teacher what she thought about doing things you might regret. Her response? Think about it more, because that means you might be doing something against what you believe is right. What about when I don't know what I believe is right?

Come to think of it I really respect this teacher, maybe I'll ask if I can talk to her about the situation that is distressing me so much. She would probably understand, and I know she wouldn't talk to anyone else about it. I can't trust any of my peers to not talk about it with others. A sad situation, but true.

I can guarantee that if asked most of my peers would also say that I need to live life to it's fullest and just be happy while I can. But what if that means being hurt later? Not thinking ahead gets you in trouble. But it also prevents you from having fun.

It's taking a lot to not cry right now. My cousin is sitting across the room from me, and I don't even feel comfortable talking to her about this. I need an outside opinion.