Today was about noticing recurring emotional patterns. I was surprised by what I saw even though I expected it.
I worry. Mostly about things happening in the future. This test next period, getting that homework done, going to college. The big one lately is still passing my driving test. It's coming up on Monday and I do not feel ready. I have to take the test in a city I do not drive in very often. It is busy and different from the small town I live and drive in. Whenever I think about this (more than once a day usually) I get scared and feel helpless.
I plan ahead. I think about exactly what I need to be doing in study hall, or when I get home from school. It feels good. I am thinking about myself and what I need to do. I'm not worrying about other people. Looking at it now that sounds a little selfish. I think it's a control thing. Growing up (and even now) I did (do) not have much control of what I can do outside of school. I depend on my parents, but at times I feel like I am controlled by them.
These are the two major things I noticed. Not only are they related to each other, but to how my parents have raised me. Worrying and planning are things that both my parents do. No matter how hard you try, I guess you do end up like your parents. Now I have to wonder, are these bad? I do not want to worry as much. I need to let this go.
I am willing to release this pattern of worry and accept that life will happen, and I will be okay.
That is my affirmation. It sort of covers the planning ahead thing, too. I should let life happen to me more often. I am not just living life, I am alive! That feels good to say.