I want to thank you all for the wishing and the advice I received yesterday! I am now journaling through The Sunflower, and that is helping me a lot. This type of journaling seems so different and natural compared to the journaling I did when I was involved with Soul Coaching. Whenever I write I find myself writing for some other person. A reader. With this I am writing for my own understanding, and it's liberating! I'm being more honest than I can be with other people. We are discussing this book in class, and when I talk about it I'm almost scared to communicate my feelings on it.
I have been the quiet person in school for years. This year I have opened up more, and it's scaring me. I'm afraid of other people not liking the person I am. I'm afraid that one of these days I'll hear that the are making fun of me behind my back, like they do to other people. Just as I decide to open up and not worry if they like me or not, that fear grips my stomach. I started closing out others in elementary school when being so open about everything first started to make me miserable. For a while I absolutely hated going to school. Then as I stopped sharing what I thought, I found that people stopped paying attention to me. I made it through school with the few friends I had, and I was happy. Now I'm becoming more vocal, and I'm getting that same reaction I got in elementary school. That same unsaid but clear "Shut up, Tori. We don't want you to share who you are with us. We don't care." It hurt me then, and it hurts now.
I think that is part of the reason I always write for the reader. Every time I try to write or speak for myself it comes back on me negatively. I remember my friends finding the journal I kept for myself in middle school. When they read it I got so angry. They picked on me about it, and that put me off journaling for a few years. I'm glad I decided to journal again, though. I have a notebook that I can turn to when I feel overwhelmed by things. Getting the thoughts out of my head is sometimes the most helpful thing I can do. It keeps me sane! Once the thoughts are out there, I can stop obsessing over them. It's therapy. =)