Thursday, March 5, 2009


I want to thank you all for the wishing and the advice I received yesterday! I am now journaling through The Sunflower, and that is helping me a lot. This type of journaling seems so different and natural compared to the journaling I did when I was involved with Soul Coaching. Whenever I write I find myself writing for some other person. A reader. With this I am writing for my own understanding, and it's liberating! I'm being more honest than I can be with other people. We are discussing this book in class, and when I talk about it I'm almost scared to communicate my feelings on it.

I have been the quiet person in school for years. This year I have opened up more, and it's scaring me. I'm afraid of other people not liking the person I am. I'm afraid that one of these days I'll hear that the are making fun of me behind my back, like they do to other people. Just as I decide to open up and not worry if they like me or not, that fear grips my stomach. I started closing out others in elementary school when being so open about everything first started to make me miserable. For a while I absolutely hated going to school. Then as I stopped sharing what I thought, I found that people stopped paying attention to me. I made it through school with the few friends I had, and I was happy. Now I'm becoming more vocal, and I'm getting that same reaction I got in elementary school. That same unsaid but clear "Shut up, Tori. We don't want you to share who you are with us. We don't care." It hurt me then, and it hurts now.

I think that is part of the reason I always write for the reader. Every time I try to write or speak for myself it comes back on me negatively. I remember my friends finding the journal I kept for myself in middle school. When they read it I got so angry. They picked on me about it, and that put me off journaling for a few years. I'm glad I decided to journal again, though. I have a notebook that I can turn to when I feel overwhelmed by things. Getting the thoughts out of my head is sometimes the most helpful thing I can do. It keeps me sane! Once the thoughts are out there, I can stop obsessing over them. It's therapy. =)


  1. First of all, how can anyone help but like you? If they don't, there is something wrong with them. :)

    I am glad you're journalling through this and it is helping :)

    It's great that you are finding your voice and the confidence in using it. In the long run, what other people think, is what other people think. It has nothing to do with you :)


  2. Hi Tori,

    Thanks for coming stopping by my blog and adding Magickal Mommy to your blogroll.

    I've just read one post so far and already I can really identify with you. In high school I was the weirdo girl who wore all black and listened to "white music". God, everyone hated me. I had my little pack of punks and goths but everyone else made my life a living hell. (funny I was called a witch every day. hahaha! They knew before I did!)

    Remember that what you've gone through is making you a deeper person than those people could ever be.

    Usually what people think and say about you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. I still struggle with that and often find that I retreat into quiet as well. But what Genie Sea said is true, it isn't about you. It's their issue. People who love themselves generally don't go around making fun of people.

    Jeez, sorry that's so long. I like to write too!

    Keep journaling. It really is liberating. Now to sink my teeth into your blog.


  3. This is such a great post Tori, and one that we can all identify with on some level.
    Sheesh - society tells us that our childhood/school years are the "best time of our lives", yet we spend the rest of our lives trying to get over it!

    It must have been awful to have your private journal read by those meanies. I don't think I could honestly write my feelings down ever again after something like that. I would feel too guarded.

    Yay for you to be able to overcome that! You are a strong, mature example of never losing your true self. She may have quieted down for a few years, but she remained within you and is now ready to emerge. You write beautifully and honestly and I think you should keep at it...and write for yourself!
    I think you rock - seriously!