So here's how it went! I think I rocked the ServSafe Exam. It was waaay easier than I expected. What scared me the most was what pathogens caused which diseases and there weren't many questions about that. My math exam was also easy. The movie for my computer class came out... okay. It's really not that great, but whatever. The interview? No, just no. It's not that it went badly. I passed. I was nervous, but that wasn't the issue either. You know how you're scared for something so you prep like mad? I did that. Have you ever forgotten everything you wanted to say as soon as you were asked even after all that prepping? I did that too. I answered the questions directly, but didn't elaborate or say anything I had planned to say. And he threw me some curve balls that I hadn't planned for or ever even thought about. Don't ask me what they were because I can't remember. All I know is that after the interview I felt completely crushed. Like every professional choice I've made up to this point has been wrong. I don't really get why. I'm just so scared. What if I did choose wrong? What if I'm not cut out to be a manager? I want to be back in high school where things were easy and a lot less scary. I just went to class because I had to. But I liked it. I've always been so good in a classroom setting. Hands-on has never been my thing. What a stupid choice for me to make, going to a hands-on school. I'm not cut out to live in the real world and do real things. I wish there were someone here to talk to about it. Ranting like this helps but it doesn't make me feel better. I want someone who knows me to look at me and tell me how stupid I'm being, how can I think that. And I want to believe them. Even if my cousin were here to tell me that I wouldn't believe her. I'm not a leader. Why am I trying to be one? I'm too sensitive. Too insecure. Too shy. My brain doesn't work that way. Even my teachers knew it. I remember when my English teacher told me how surprised he was when I chose to go to NECI. He said I'd be a good scholar. I know I would be, I told him, but this is stable. I could study for the rest of my life and be the happiest person in the world, but you just can't live that way. Yes, I love food. I love feeding people. The interviewer said he saw passion when I mentioned my plans for a restaurant that feeds families. Yes, I want to do that. At least I think I do. I'm questioning everything now, and it's scaring the crap out of me. I don't like it.
Why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't I go to a regular university, party, go to class, and not care what my plans were for the rest of my life? Or why couldn't I have been blessed with some amazing talent that's wicked profitable? Why can't this be easy?
I'll look at this later and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. These are my emotions at their rawest. The totally uncensored, insecure, Me. I don't think I like me. I'm kind of pathetic. Does everyone feel this way? Do they all hide it? HOW?
I wasn't sure if I wanted to publish this post. Debating back and forth. It makes me look stupid. I shouldn't care, it's my blog. You like having readers, though, don't you? Yes. And you had 8 comments on that last post. Oh well. They don't have to read and comment on this if they don't want to.
So, fuck it. It's published. Hello, cyber world! This is me! I'm really sorry if you actually read all this. I am in a weird mood. And I ate a lot of melted Ben & Jerry's Cheesecake Brownie Ice Cream. Hi new people who commented on my last post! Sorry for the mess. My brain likes to explode sometimes.