Friday, November 20, 2009

Sorry For The Mess, My Brain Exploded

So here's how it went! I think I rocked the ServSafe Exam. It was waaay easier than I expected. What scared me the most was what pathogens caused which diseases and there weren't many questions about that. My math exam was also easy. The movie for my computer class came out... okay. It's really not that great, but whatever. The interview? No, just no. It's not that it went badly. I passed. I was nervous, but that wasn't the issue either. You know how you're scared for something so you prep like mad? I did that. Have you ever forgotten everything you wanted to say as soon as you were asked even after all that prepping? I did that too. I answered the questions directly, but didn't elaborate or say anything I had planned to say. And he threw me some curve balls that I hadn't planned for or ever even thought about. Don't ask me what they were because I can't remember. All I know is that after the interview I felt completely crushed. Like every professional choice I've made up to this point has been wrong. I don't really get why. I'm just so scared. What if I did choose wrong? What if I'm not cut out to be a manager? I want to be back in high school where things were easy and a lot less scary. I just went to class because I had to. But I liked it. I've always been so good in a classroom setting. Hands-on has never been my thing. What a stupid choice for me to make, going to a hands-on school. I'm not cut out to live in the real world and do real things. I wish there were someone here to talk to about it. Ranting like this helps but it doesn't make me feel better. I want someone who knows me to look at me and tell me how stupid I'm being, how can I think that. And I want to believe them. Even if my cousin were here to tell me that I wouldn't believe her. I'm not a leader. Why am I trying to be one? I'm too sensitive. Too insecure. Too shy. My brain doesn't work that way. Even my teachers knew it. I remember when my English teacher told me how surprised he was when I chose to go to NECI. He said I'd be a good scholar. I know I would be, I told him, but this is stable. I could study for the rest of my life and be the happiest person in the world, but you just can't live that way. Yes, I love food. I love feeding people. The interviewer said he saw passion when I mentioned my plans for a restaurant that feeds families. Yes, I want to do that. At least I think I do. I'm questioning everything now, and it's scaring the crap out of me. I don't like it.

Why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't I go to a regular university, party, go to class, and not care what my plans were for the rest of my life? Or why couldn't I have been blessed with some amazing talent that's wicked profitable? Why can't this be easy?

I'll look at this later and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. These are my emotions at their rawest. The totally uncensored, insecure, Me. I don't think I like me. I'm kind of pathetic. Does everyone feel this way? Do they all hide it? HOW?

I wasn't sure if I wanted to publish this post. Debating back and forth. It makes me look stupid. I shouldn't care, it's my blog. You like having readers, though, don't you? Yes. And you had 8 comments on that last post. Oh well. They don't have to read and comment on this if they don't want to.

So, fuck it. It's published. Hello, cyber world! This is me! I'm really sorry if you actually read all this. I am in a weird mood. And I ate a lot of melted Ben & Jerry's Cheesecake Brownie Ice Cream. Hi new people who commented on my last post! Sorry for the mess. My brain likes to explode sometimes.


  1. Tori, even though I promised myself to stay offline a bit for health reasons, well, I just had to write. I am so glad you posted your nightmarish experience and want to tell you, screw them!

    Right now perhaps you do not have the experience to be a leader yet. Duh, you just started school! Leadership comes with experience. Focus on your passion for food and feeding people, learn everything, then the confidence will come. The best leaders are the reluctant ones, they are the people who should lead. They know it's a big responsibility and take it seriously. So many people go into leadership positions because of the power trip. You're doing it because this is your dream. That is the biggest and highest calling of all.

    Now it is OK to question if this is the right path for you, especially if you are hating it. If everything feels wrong. I can't tell you if that is what you are feeling. But I can tell you that that it is that guy's job to make you question everything. It is important to question everything. That doesn't mean it's the wrong path. He's just shaken you up and now you got to sort things out. If he is the only reason you started to question all this, then I would suggest your passion is still there.

    On a personal note, I had a guidance counsellor and also an English teacher tell me if I went to university for English I would flunk. That I had no ability for it at all. Well I got an English AND Creative Writing Degree and I can write circles around them both. I took a year off after they told me this and then I said, fuck 'em. They don't know me. I can do it, they suck. And I was the one who was right.

    OK, finishing this novel of a post and going to bed. It's OK to feel vulnerable about what you are doing Tori. It's supposed to be scary. Scary and exciting, you need both. They are a powerful combo!

  2. You're not stupid and this isn't abnormal. Believe me.

    I changed majors my sophomore year. :) I started out in sports med and ended up in nursing.

    So try not to freak too much. Just because you're shy and scholarly doesn't mean you can't be a great leader. Believe it! I do. :)


  3. I was waiting for this post to see how you did, and I'm sorry I'm so behind in getting to it!

    Anyhow, it's AWESOME that you rocked that exam!

    As far as the hands on stuff go, that's vital in the business. I think pushing you out of your comfort zone in college is a brilliant way to do it. By the time you get into the real world in a career, you will be so much more comfortable with it. Can you imagine being thrown to the wolves for the first time then? How terrifying that would be.

    This is great practice for you. It's ok to be scared! Stick with it. It's always good to push ourselves or we can't reach our potential.

    I'm proud of everything you're doing!