Did you ever see videos, pictures, poems, stories, blog posts, hear songs or any other thing that just kind of made tears go to your eyes the first time you saw/heard it because it spoke to you? Lately I've been finding a lot of things like that. I can tell that I'm in the middle of some change, I can remember the last time I went through an inner change like this and it feels kinda the same. It's like the world is dropping hints. The universe is saying "It's time to learn something new! Take this step!" I can just feel it. It makes me nervous, because I know what's going on but I don't know what to expect. I mean, does a caterpillar know it's becoming a butterfly as it cocoons itself? Maybe that's a bad way to put it... I don't know. I saw this video and it just made me realize something.
It dawned on me just recently that I am a perfectionist. That is a huge problem. It's what has been making me work so hard at my writing, it has helped me become the kind of writer who can bang out a first copy with almost no mistakes. Then why am I still yelling at my English teacher that "I'm a horrible writer, how can you keep giving me As? Are you even reading this crap I print out and pass in?!" (really that's pretty much what I said to him yesterday...)I know it's almost perfect grammatically, but it feels so wrong to me. It's because what I'm writing has so meaning. I haven't figured out how to write something I like. Because I care too much. I took all the fun out of my creativity.
I stifled my own artistic feelings because I hated everything I've ever drawn out on a piece of paper, painted with a brush, or made with clay. That is why I didn't take an art class. I couldn't stand to look at my pitiful creations next to the what seemed like masterpieces that my friends were making. How can I overcome this? I think I started a little while ago when I bought my Wreck This Journal. I couldn't even unleash my creativity on that, though. I think I've stifled it for so long it just disappeared. I'm actually a little bit scared that this metamorphosis will fail and I will be doomed to live a life where I can't fully express myself.
Bottom line is I want to be creative. I want to ask for help- but how can anyone else help me do this? I'm open to any suggestions. I also understand that I could just be completely overreacting. I'm only 18, teenagers overreact a lot. Please tell me if you think I am being stupid. I'll probably feel stupid for writing this tomorrow. At this moment, though, this is what is true for me.
I find the best way to get in touch with my creativity is to create, without expectation, without judgement, just in the bliss of creating. :)
ReplyDeleteSweetheart -- I'm 48 and feel the same way most of the time.So I don't think it is an over-reaction. Metamorphoses' never fail, they just take time.
ReplyDeleteI stopped writing because my writing would never be like Graham Greene's or Virginia Woolf's. silly to some, but makes sense to me. Maybe it will change. And the more I've looked at others art in blogs the harder it gets for me to go in to my art room. And the person next to me ALWAYS does better work than I, and I'll never be that good -- and I'm too chicken shit to even post these thoughts on my own blog --
So -- girlfriend -- do you really want to sound like me at 48 or go out and kick but and screw what the other person does next to you.
Get the book the "Artist Way." Start there. She helps -- so does "Point Zero." I mention these because I know it would useless to tell you pay no attention to anybody else -- cause I still can't break myself of the habit. I have to create through my own personal critic, sometimes it is the hardest thing... sometime I surprise myself. :)
in grace and love
My apologies for writing a book on your blog.
Thank you! It's so good to hear that I'm not overreacting, and that other people get it. I'll definitely check out those books. Maybe I can get over it and stop hating everything that I try to create. <3
ReplyDelete