Did you ever see videos, pictures, poems, stories, blog posts, hear songs or any other thing that just kind of made tears go to your eyes the first time you saw/heard it because it spoke to you? Lately I've been finding a lot of things like that. I can tell that I'm in the middle of some change, I can remember the last time I went through an inner change like this and it feels kinda the same. It's like the world is dropping hints. The universe is saying "It's time to learn something new! Take this step!" I can just feel it. It makes me nervous, because I know what's going on but I don't know what to expect. I mean, does a caterpillar know it's becoming a butterfly as it cocoons itself? Maybe that's a bad way to put it... I don't know. I saw this video and it just made me realize something.
It dawned on me just recently that I am a perfectionist. That is a huge problem. It's what has been making me work so hard at my writing, it has helped me become the kind of writer who can bang out a first copy with almost no mistakes. Then why am I still yelling at my English teacher that "I'm a horrible writer, how can you keep giving me As? Are you even reading this crap I print out and pass in?!" (really that's pretty much what I said to him yesterday...)I know it's almost perfect grammatically, but it feels so wrong to me. It's because what I'm writing has so meaning. I haven't figured out how to write something I like. Because I care too much. I took all the fun out of my creativity.
I stifled my own artistic feelings because I hated everything I've ever drawn out on a piece of paper, painted with a brush, or made with clay. That is why I didn't take an art class. I couldn't stand to look at my pitiful creations next to the what seemed like masterpieces that my friends were making. How can I overcome this? I think I started a little while ago when I bought my Wreck This Journal. I couldn't even unleash my creativity on that, though. I think I've stifled it for so long it just disappeared. I'm actually a little bit scared that this metamorphosis will fail and I will be doomed to live a life where I can't fully express myself.
Bottom line is I want to be creative. I want to ask for help- but how can anyone else help me do this? I'm open to any suggestions. I also understand that I could just be completely overreacting. I'm only 18, teenagers overreact a lot. Please tell me if you think I am being stupid. I'll probably feel stupid for writing this tomorrow. At this moment, though, this is what is true for me.