A Million Things Running Through My Mind

Homework I could/ should be doing:
•Working on the Fundamentals of Marketing slideshow
•Looking up info for my Taste & Flavor Beverages paper (herbal liqueurs)
•Writing my diario for Espanol
•Writing an editorial about capital punishment (Why is this even an assignment?!)
•Working on the final project for Human Resources
•Reading part 3 of How to Win Friends for Interpersonal Communications
•Reading chapter 10 in the Interpersonal Communications textbook

Other (productive) things I could be doing:
•Coming up with a good argument for the debate I was having with my Human Resources teacher this morning (He doesn’t believe in situational ethics, he says it’s always black or white. I disagree!)
•Reading Setting the Table (this book is so informative! I love it!)
•Studying my Visual Food Lover’s Guide (I’m brushing up on my product ID)
•Writing something cool for the new school paper thing coming out soon

This blog post is proof that I chose to do none of these things. Instead I’m thinking about:
•This stupid cold sore I’ve got
•Worrying about catching this flu that’s going around
•How much longer I’m going to procrastinate before I actually do any of my homework
•If I’ll find anything to do this weekend
•Why I have no money to do anything
•If this guy, Cam, likes me or if he’s just being nice
•If I’d give Cam a chance if he ever did ask me out
•If I like my new haircut or not (I really can’t decide)
•How unhealthy I’ve been eating
•That I haven’t been exercising at all
•That I haven’t been keeping up with everyone’s blogs (sorry!)
•That I still haven’t written that email to Emma yet (sorry Bet!)
•That I said I was going to be social, but even though I’ve had every night free I’ve been a lame-o sitting in my room by myself because I’m too chicken
•How happy I am that I think I can finally be just friends with Aaron ((aka that guy) I mean there’s no avoiding him. I see him all the time! Friendship is a lot less awkward and sad.)
•That I want to smash my laptop with a hammer because it is a POS

Yeah. I have a lot of stuff running through my mind. Not quite a million things, but a lot. Sometimes I wonder why I can’t just turn my brain off.

Update:

Here are the pictures of my new haircut! I don't think I like it down, but I definitely like it up. It came out shorter than I wanted. =/

Getting a Life

Hello world! Are you still there? I'm so relieved, we just finished a major group project tonight, and it's getting passed in tomorrow morning. Then I am never thinking about it again. Ever.

I baked cupcakes this morning! I had a ton of fun decorating them. I think they came out pretty awesome. I'm going to bring some of them to class tomorrow to share with my blockmates in celebration of finishing the project.




My weekend was interesting... Saturday morning I drove home, and I am ashamed to say I got pulled over for speeding on the highway. From this I learned basically to do the opposite of whatever my cousin does. She is the one who taught me to drive on the highway and since she did 80 all the time I naturally assumed it was alright. Wrong! She has copdar, I do not. Luckily I got off with a written warning. It scared the crap out of me, and I learned my lesson. No more going fast.

Saturday night I was social! I went with my cousin to a party at her friend's house. I also hung out with Amy and we learned how to play Risk. Hooray! Risk is way more fun than Monopoly by the way. I also went out and got my hair cut. It's shorter than I wanted it to be, but it works. I also got some new clothes.

New haircut? New clothes? Being social? What is this? I like it. I am committing to this idea of me doing stuff. Like making friends. Why is this so much harder than it sounds?

Speaking of friends- I am working on not liking that guy anymore, because I really would still like to be friends with him. This is really hard, but I'm going to do it. It probably doesn't help that every other song I hear is a love song. That's what I get for liking country music. It really isn't the kind of music you listen to when you want to feel better!

Better Day

Thanks everyone for all the supportive comments! They mean a lot to me.

Fifteen minutes until dinner (which will hopefully be edible since I am hungry), procrastinating on homework until after I eat... so here I am writing a blog post for all of you! Even though I really don't have much to talk about. My days are apparently fluctuating between good and bad. After my Sunday morning meltdown Sunday afternoon was good, Monday was good, Tuesday was just not a good day! It was stressful and emotional. I still haven't talked to him yet, and I know I need to. For me the worst thing I have realized is that even after all this, I still like him. Almost everything about him. And not just him, but who I was around him. He brought out the best in me. He made me confident and social. He made me want to excel in this industry and do better and learn more. My friends of course keep telling me that I need to learn how to bring these things out in myself. Which I know is true! It's just so hard, after not having any confidence in myself for 19 years. I have been telling myself "You suck, you can't do this, you can't do anything." For 19 years. It's like every time someone told me I could do something, or that I was good at something I seemed to shrug it off and forget that they can see what I can't in myself.

Today was a better day. I expressed the doubt I was feeling about myself being able to do well in this program to a teacher and he told me I was wrong. He told me that I could do not only this program, but that I could do the BA program as well. 'I know it,' he said. The difference this time was... I believed him. I am now considering the BA program. I need to look more into it, but I am definitely considering it! I'm finding my confidence. This has made my day. :)

Update: it's been a long time since I've participated in Wishcasting Wednesday! I found it again through a retweet. So I think I'm gonna wish. Jamie asks us How do you wish to shine?

I wish to shine with confidence all on my own. From the inside out.

New Attitude

So this morning I was ready to publish a post titled 'FML!' I was extremely upset and confused. Why? That boy again. According to him, we weren't dating. I'm not willing to post the whole situation on my blog right now. I am considering writing it all down in story form, though. If I do, you'll all get to read it.

No, I am not upset and confused anymore. I don't exactly know how it happened, but I started looking at it from a different view. Forget the cause, focus on the effect. I made a list. A couple of lists, actually. The first one was what I learned from this whole mess. The knowledge gained from a month of complete confusion. It was written while I was still upset, so some of it may be a little off.

•I’m very submissive & timid
•I am willing to give up things I enjoy in order to be with someone I care about
•It pretty much kills me to hurt another person
•I’m easy to read
•I need friends to talk to about the emotional upsets in my life
•I don’t know myself very well at all
•I like being in a relationship
•I need to be surrounded by outgoing people in order to be outgoing
•I want to be outgoing
•I want need my future partner to be outgoing
•I have the ability to lose myself to another person, so I need to be careful
•I need to be my own person

When I realized that I had almost lost my own identity because I got so wrapped up in him, it scared me. I knew I needed to define myself. So I wrote this list.

•I’m a small town girl. Fuck cities. Fuck big.
•I’m Pagan. I’m spiritual. I need to hold this close to me in order to be ok.
•I don’t like getting angry. I talk to people when I have a problem with them. If you don’t talk to me when you have a problem with me I can’t trust you.
•I will not be physical without it being a real relationship. My heart can’t handle that.
•Give me nature or give me death.
•I couldn’t handle working in a big resort. I don’t want to work at a big restaurant. I don’t dig fancy.
•I’m willing to try new things. I want to learn. Teach me.
•My family and friends have been the most important things in my life for a long time. I don’t plan on being very far away from them. Home is extremely important to me.
•My happiest moments in life have been those of self-discovery and making others happy.
•I am on a path of constant self-discovery.

Truthfully, the last two are my favorites. <3

What The New Year Brings- 2010

I finally have a little free time! So, like I did last year, I am going to tell what numerology has to say for the new year. Both in general and for me specifically.

2010 breaks down to the number 3. 2010 is a year for change. But while change usually brings chaos and fear, 2010 is a year of optimism. Everyone can see that after 2009 we could use some big changes!

My personal year for 2010 is 2. This means that it will be a year of patiently waiting to see my plans from 2009 develop. It is a year for cooperation and involving others in my plans. There is a focus on relationships in a 2 personal year.

I can already feel that this is going to be an interesting year! 2 just feels 'right'. Especially that last bit about relationships. That boy who was driving me nuts and confusing that crap out of me? We're finally dating. :)

Sorry this is so short. My mind can't focus on one thing for very long lately. Plus I'm tired. I hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve!

Show and Tell- With Updates

Early Happy New Year to everyone! Tomorrow I'll be heading back home to celebrate. I didn't plan to go back home this weekend, but my cousin needs help moving. Besides, I still have no real friends up here.

Today my cousin and I were downtown getting lunch and we stopped into this cool little store. The have a lot of interesting things there, most of them made of different types of stone. As a gift, my cousin told me to pick out one of the pendulums I have been eying for months but never bought. I picked out this beauty.


I love it! I have been playing around with it since I got it. I think I have finally found my favorite divination tool. As much as I like that tarot deck I got, tarot is a bit difficult for me.

I wish I could say that things have been going well, but they haven't. One of my classes completely depresses me every time I have it. Everything this teacher tells us is telling me I don't have what it takes to make it in this field. That I just shouldn't be here. It feeds my doubts and fears. It's all I can do to not cry in the middle of class. I don't know what to do about it.

I have also just been down in general. As much as I really hate saying it, it was because of that boy I like. It makes me angry that I let something so stupid hurt me so much. It was definitely not a good experience for me. I opened up to someone and ended up hurt. Hopefully I can just learn something from it and move on.

The cherry on top is this stubborn cold I have. I'd really just like it to go away so I can try to have some fun this weekend. Or not, you know, whatever works for the rest of the universe.

Wow! Sorry to be such a downer. I'm going to shower and take some NyQuil.

Back To School

I'll be heading back to Montpelier in a few hours. I am riding up with my cousin because my car is in the shop. Something is wrong with the windshield wiper gears. It's a part that is going to cost over $100. That, plus the oil change and the inspection is going to cost me about $250! I am just lucky my cousin can bring me back up to school, no way I can drive around in the middle of winter without windshield wipers.

I am really glad to be going back to school. I love my family, but they drive me insane. A week home is more than enough. Especially with all this stress from moving into a new house and the holidays. I think I am going to come home less often. I feel as if I am missing out on something by not being on campus during the weekends. Plus it will give me a chance to be a bit more focused. When I'm home I don't have the chance to do homework if I have any.

I hope everyone had a happy holiday! We had a great time both Christmas Day and Christmas Eve. Lots of food, family, and laughs. My two big gifts were a GPS and an iPod adaptor for my car. Both of which I can't use until I get my car back! xD

Here's to hoping that things are a lot less complicated when I get back to school. It's unlikely, but I can hope. I'm sorry I have been posting so rarely!

Happy Yule!

Happy Yule everyone! I am wicked busy here at home with all the unpacking. I've been procrastinating on it a lot because I'd rather hang out with my friend for a few days before things get even crazier. They also stuck me with a bunch of homework that I need to work on at some point. I promised holiday cheer, though! And finally I have a picture of my new room. It is so unorganized right now.



Some of my personal decorations I managed to get up today.


My room- wicked messy! I've still got lots of unpacking and organizing to do.


LEON makes a return.


My mom even has her Mickey Mouse X-mas town out.


Tree! Fake, but decorated.


Lights!



Okay- no joke we would sing this song every year in my music class in elementary school. It doesn't feel like Christmas time if I don't hear it.

Tia and I are watching Santa Baby 1 and 2 on TV right now. I'm glad I finally get to watch my Christmas movies! I'm going to watch at least one a day all week.

Dun, Dun, Duuuuun.

I am alive! Just thought I'd post to let you all know that. I ended up going home last weekend, the roads were fine on my drive down. Unfortunately it started snowing like mad on my way back up. Just my luck, right? I am going home tonight after classes. We haven't had snow in a couple days so the roads are okay to drive on. My Christmas break is all next week!

My birthday was great! The best day I had all week in fact.

The reason I haven't been on is due to more confusing boy problems. They should be over soon. I'll just say that I let myself like a guy when I knew he didn't feel the same way. Stupid me.

Things will probably be close to back to normal when I get back to school. I don't want to be as shy as I was before all the boy issues, because that certainly wasn't helping me at all. I am trying to be more outgoing. The problem is I'm no good at it. And I'm scared of opening up to people and getting hurt.

I'll be sure to post some cheery holiday things when I'm home! Along with pictures of the house! A week away from classes is just what I need right now.

Edit from home: no cheery holiday stuff yet! Just this- that crazy boy drama may not go away after all. He says it isn't that he doesn't like me, it's that his plans for the future and my plans for the future are so different. He says it wouldn't be fair. I need to figure some stuff out.

Oh, and we're still not done moving stuff from the old house to the new house. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day with lots of cleaning and rearranging.

End of Week Update

I am still loving my classes! Most of them are a ton of fun. I'm still working on trying to figure out a method for all the homework, especially the readings I have to do. I can't read the chapters two days before class and still remember them, but I hate procrastinating.

I am planning on celebrating my birthday this weekend! Technically it isn't until Monday, but I have plans for pizza and a movie to celebrate. That's if I ever get home! We got hit with at least a foot of snow in the past 3 days, and it's still coming. The road conditions are terrible and because I am such an inexperienced driver I do not plan to put myself in a situation where I could get into an accident. I am hearing stories from classmates about accidents on the highways, being pushed into a guardrail from the strong winds, and a half hour drive taking 1 1/2 hours. No thanks!!

My parents are moving into the new house this weekend. I'd like to be there to help them with it all. Although I really hate packing and moving and it can only be worse in the snow. So if the weather didn't clear up and I couldn't get home this weekend I probably wouldn't cry about it. I've heard the weather is supposed to clear up tomorrow morning, so if it does I can head out then.

If you've been following me on Twitter you can see that I have been confused and nervous and you may have even induced that it is due to some boy issues. I'm not going to talk about it, but I'll just say that I'm taking things as they come right now.

My stomach is growling so I am going to go and hope that the cafeteria has something edible for lunch. I went out to eat at The Grill and had a kick-ass burger and fries yesterday!