Sorry For The Mess, My Brain Exploded

So here's how it went! I think I rocked the ServSafe Exam. It was waaay easier than I expected. What scared me the most was what pathogens caused which diseases and there weren't many questions about that. My math exam was also easy. The movie for my computer class came out... okay. It's really not that great, but whatever. The interview? No, just no. It's not that it went badly. I passed. I was nervous, but that wasn't the issue either. You know how you're scared for something so you prep like mad? I did that. Have you ever forgotten everything you wanted to say as soon as you were asked even after all that prepping? I did that too. I answered the questions directly, but didn't elaborate or say anything I had planned to say. And he threw me some curve balls that I hadn't planned for or ever even thought about. Don't ask me what they were because I can't remember. All I know is that after the interview I felt completely crushed. Like every professional choice I've made up to this point has been wrong. I don't really get why. I'm just so scared. What if I did choose wrong? What if I'm not cut out to be a manager? I want to be back in high school where things were easy and a lot less scary. I just went to class because I had to. But I liked it. I've always been so good in a classroom setting. Hands-on has never been my thing. What a stupid choice for me to make, going to a hands-on school. I'm not cut out to live in the real world and do real things. I wish there were someone here to talk to about it. Ranting like this helps but it doesn't make me feel better. I want someone who knows me to look at me and tell me how stupid I'm being, how can I think that. And I want to believe them. Even if my cousin were here to tell me that I wouldn't believe her. I'm not a leader. Why am I trying to be one? I'm too sensitive. Too insecure. Too shy. My brain doesn't work that way. Even my teachers knew it. I remember when my English teacher told me how surprised he was when I chose to go to NECI. He said I'd be a good scholar. I know I would be, I told him, but this is stable. I could study for the rest of my life and be the happiest person in the world, but you just can't live that way. Yes, I love food. I love feeding people. The interviewer said he saw passion when I mentioned my plans for a restaurant that feeds families. Yes, I want to do that. At least I think I do. I'm questioning everything now, and it's scaring the crap out of me. I don't like it.

Why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't I go to a regular university, party, go to class, and not care what my plans were for the rest of my life? Or why couldn't I have been blessed with some amazing talent that's wicked profitable? Why can't this be easy?

I'll look at this later and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. These are my emotions at their rawest. The totally uncensored, insecure, Me. I don't think I like me. I'm kind of pathetic. Does everyone feel this way? Do they all hide it? HOW?

I wasn't sure if I wanted to publish this post. Debating back and forth. It makes me look stupid. I shouldn't care, it's my blog. You like having readers, though, don't you? Yes. And you had 8 comments on that last post. Oh well. They don't have to read and comment on this if they don't want to.

So, fuck it. It's published. Hello, cyber world! This is me! I'm really sorry if you actually read all this. I am in a weird mood. And I ate a lot of melted Ben & Jerry's Cheesecake Brownie Ice Cream. Hi new people who commented on my last post! Sorry for the mess. My brain likes to explode sometimes.

Updates!

I figured I'd keep you all in the loop about what's going on with me at school! Today was my last day of my baking class. We had a written exam at 6:30 this morning. Fun, right?! No, not really. I may be a morning person, but I'm still human. No one wants to take a test that soon after they wake up. I'm sure I did fine on it, though.

Tomorrow I have to take my ServSafe Exam. Now there is a test I'm scared of failing! Mostly because if you fail you have to pay the $36 again so you can retake it. When I pass it I will be ServSafe Certified, though! So I won't have any excuse for why I can't remember what bacteria causes which disease, damn. I am worried about failing it, but I'm sure I'll do fine since it's multiple choice. I have a 25% chance of guessing the correct answer if I have to guess.

On Friday I have a mock job interview for my Professional Development class which is scaring the crap out of me. I can BS my way through written exams if need be, but when it comes to talking and doing I am not so great... And there really isn't a way to 'study' for it. I've never had a job interview, but I know the unprepared feeling is the worst part about it. I'm just sitting here wondering and worrying "Which questions will they ask me? What if I get tongue tied and forget everything?" AHH!

I guess technically this is like my finals week. I also have a final project for my computer class and an exam in my math class on Friday. Then on Monday we have an 'Assessment Day'. I really don't understand it. From what I hear two people from each block go to each class for three hours and there is some kind of competition between the teams. It sounds like a waste of time to me, because I hear we aren't actually getting graded on it! I'd like to just start my Thanksgiving Vacation early, why can't they make it optional? This school is so horrible at telling us what it going on!

Enough ranting, I am going to study and (most likely) unnecessarily stress myself out. Some good news, though: I think my cough is gone.

Fail

I'm ranting, venting, whatever. I'm stressed and I need to get it out. Read, don't read. Comment, don't comment. Doesn't matter. This is for me.

College is testing me... I'm still adjusting. The past two day have sucked, unbelievably sucked. Monday and Tuesday were great. I hope tomorrow is better. How am I dealing with stress? Horribly! It's not even all school. It's the million other things on top of school. Plus emotions I simply don't have the time to sort through. It's no wonder I'm not sleeping well, grinding my teeth, clenching my jaw, and having headaches.

I just keep telling myself I'm still adjusting. I'll get used to things in a little while. Then I'll be more comfortable here. Until then I guess I fail at life.

I did find something that made me happy today, though. There's a girl here who's from Keene. Someone besides me and my cousin who knows where and what my town is! It makes me want to go be her best friend. Too bad I'm too shy and dysfunctional at the moment. Damn, I really just don't know how to make friends.

Hell, Thy Name is Factory Work

*I plan on this being my one and only rant about my new summer job. Whether that is that case or not depends on other factors. Feel free to not read it. I need to rant.

So, that summer job I just started today? I hate it. Factories suck!! I don't know how my parents do it. I was utterly bored and depressed by noon. I work in a factory that decorates and packages makeup containers. I was sitting putting mascara bottles in a box all day. 22 in a row, 4 rows, 10 layers. I think I did 9 or 10 boxes. The bottles need to be packed very tight so they don't move during shipping. The box is too small, the foam that goes between each layer is too big, and the bottles don't like to fit.

I miss school. I have nothing to keep my mind occupied by all day. Music isn't allowed. All the machines are too loud anyway- earplugs are required. So here's what I did. I came up with different names for the place. My favorites- a soul sucking black hole, and a pit of despair full of misery where people's dreams go to die.

Half the people have the correct attitude about the place. "You're going to school in the fall, right?" I nod yes "That's good! You don't want to stay here forever!" other people are just weird... They ask me "How are you liking it?" I reply "I don't." and they look strangely disappointed. Then they ask me if I'm coming back. I tell them yes and they just walk away mumbling stuff I can't hear because the machines are too loud.

The person I was working with today just told me "Factory work isn't for everyone." Well I guess so!! I am serious when I say that there is nothing to occupy my mind. The machines are too loud to talk to anyone, and the work is all so simple it's done without any thought. They should just train monkeys to do it. They'd work for peanuts.

At least it's only for the summer. But suddenly my summer is looking very long.

The Monday After Vacation Is Always The Worst

What a Monday! They're bad enough on their own- right? Well the Monday after a week off is worse. Whose idea was having a vacation in April anyway? I like having time off, but when we get back no one wants to do anything. It's too close to the end of the school year. I graduate in about 36 school days! The graduation date is set for June 20th. I. Cannot. Wait.

Senioritis is taking over the 12th grade. Everyone is slacking off, getting distracted, and getting really, really, frustrated. Apparently the teachers believe that the cure for a case of senioritis is giving us more work to do. I had work to do in every single class, which is uncommon. Luckily some of it isn't due until Wednesday.

Blah. It was in the high 80's today. Tomorrow it's supposed to be in the 90's! The weather is supposed to change back to April soon, though. We shouldn't have 80 and 90 degree days in April. It's not right.

More shirt pictures! Lol. This is what I wore today. The tank top is not school appropriate, so I need to wear a shirt over it. This shirt is a long sleeve collar shirt that I got at a second hand store just for this purpose.


In colder weather I wear this sweater over the tank top. There was no way I was going to put it on for a picture tonight. It's 85 in my bedroom. It looks very frumpy just sitting there; But take my word for it, it looks awesome on. It's the one I'm wearing in my profile picture, in fact.


After my too-hot-too-much-work-day I was looking forward to sitting and watching the new episode of House tonight. Too late! It started half an hour ago. xD I'll watch it tomorrow, it's being recorded. I was working on homework right up until it started. So, instead, I got to enjoy watching people dance, read about amazing gardens, experiences, cookies, homes, and amazing people dealing with and finding solutions to their problems.

And here I am complaining about my day. I'm going to shower, do yoga, and fall into bed. With any luck I'll be asleep before my head hits the pillow. Here's looking for a better week ahead!

Wonderful, Discouraging, Stressful

Those three words best describe the past two days! I don't even know where to begin. Yesterday was just a crazy day. On Sunday a friend emailed me a new scholarship that I would be eligible for, I printed out the form and realized it is due on Friday. I hurried to fill it out, and I did get it filled out. That is the quickest I've ever finished a scholarship form. I wrote the (thankfully short) essay they wanted for it yesterday morning. 7th period yesterday I was having my English teacher check the essay for corrections and fill out an assessment form. I ended up staying after school to get my guidance counselor's signature and a copy of my transcript. Tia and I walked to the post office to mail out two scholarship forms (two down, millions more to go) and then we went to our Aunt Jen's.

I finally got some good news there that made my day... less bad I guess. xD I can't say exactly what it is because they don't want to tell many people right now, but it made my day much better! The other good thing that happened was my Aunt Jen gave me a copy of the new Kim Harrison book, signed! It's not only her name this time, it's signed To Victoria. I can't wait to start reading it! After this I went and watched movies with my cousin, completely ignoring my homework until I got back home at 8 o'clock. I still got it done, which is why I am so amazed when other kids don't get theirs done.

Even with the awesome evening, I still woke up discouraged and wanting to just hide away in a corner somewhere. I know filling out so many scholarships is going to help me later, but that doesn't help me feel any better now. They are time consuming, exhausting, and I've had a nonstop headache hiding in the back of my head since Sunday morning. I got a letter from the Elks Club this afternoon saying I only got a $300 scholarship from them. As my sister puts it "That's a pity scholarship!" I know I should feel happy that I got that much, but they have other scholarships ranging from $20,000 to $60,000. I found myself swearing at the air, and feeling even more discouraged than when I woke up.

Luckily I get a break tomorrow. I've got a field trip! The Spanish and French classes are going to a theatre to see Don Quixote and The Three Musketeers. I haven't seen a play in years, and tomorrow I get to see two! It's going to be wicked fun.

Rant, Update, and Wishing- All in One Post! =D

Last night my parents and my grandparents were at a meeting to hear if we could get a variance to put a mobile home on a piece of property that my grandfather owns. Our would-be-neighbors got up and said that they felt a mobile home next door would devalue their property. WTF?! There’s no house there! They’ve cleared the land to put a house there, their second house in fact. So my parents can’t own one house- but they can own two? We were turned down for the variance. We can’t live on that property. But you know what? It is also zoned for agriculture. I hope they enjoy their new neighbors. They are going to be real pigs compared to what we would have been. =) We’re going to tear down or reuse the structure that is already there (which is a total POS) and have a few pigs, maybe some chickens.

Okay, rant over! We were all just really hoping to get the variance. We wanted to move onto that property and own a home instead of renting. Better ourselves. We’re still going to most likely move soon. The people we’re renting from don’t want to pay to have the roof fixed or do anything to maintain the house. Fingers crossed that we find a nice house to move into!

I’ll be heading to the dentist in a little bit to have some of my cavities taken care of. I hope I’m not in too much pain after. I actually want to go to school this afternoon, so I can go to the movies tonight! ($5.50 for all movie tickets- and you get free popcorn.) Last night I went bowling with some friends. $2 Tuesdays. Shoes for $2 and each game for $2. It was well worth the $6 to go out and have fun. Even if I have fallen behind on getting scholarships filled out, journaling through The Sunflower, or working on my quilt. Yikes! I should work on those.

It is also Wishcasting Wednesday! Jamie asks- what do you wish to change? I wish to find a new wonderful home for my family to live in!

Update- I am back from the dentist! Even though I'm not in pain (in fact, the entire left side of my mouth is numb) I am staying home. My dad said to my sister and I "Either you're bothing going to school or you're both staying home." My sister doesn't want to go. I am not looking forward to playing catch up on my schoolwork, but at least I get to work on all that other stuff while at home. My dad even said I could still go to the movies!

Rant & WTJ

I feel myself reaching that point where I am about to start screaming and throwing things like a two-year-old. I am feeling so overwhelmed again. The house needs to be picked up before my dad wakes up or he’s going to yell, dinner needs to be made, homework, scholarships, blogging, preparing for this weekend, I just want to relax! My head is going to explode. I was just sitting trying to clear my head and not worry about the things I need to do, but they won’t go away! I keep thinking I’m forgetting something.

Last night I finally gave my Aunt the papers she needs to help me with for a scholarship. That is one weight off my shoulders, replaced with two more. I now need to worry about actually getting the letters of recommendation for another scholarship, and I feel bad for giving my Aunt more things to do when she’s already busy to the point where she should be pulling her hair out. I came home late because I was at her house, and I had to come home to doing AP English homework and writing a paper for my mythology class. (I think it came out pretty good, I’ll share it when I get the corrections back from my teacher.) Quick dinner, more working on the paper, quick shower, House! I got to relax for an hour and watch the new episode of House last night.

To be honest I love blogging, but I’m afraid it might get lost somehow once I finally get my license (I had to go and remind myself about that, didn’t I…) and get a job. I want to bang my head against a wall already, and I’m wondering how I’m going to balance everything later! Sorry for this long rant about nothing. It has sort of helped me, though.

Here is what I got to do to wreck my journal today! During study hall I just randomly picked a word and wrote it over and over. That is also where I borrowed Eric's awesome double sided pen. After deciding I was a little too stressed, I found the page in the third picture and unleashed all of it.

College STRESS

I think our warm Autumn days are coming to a close! I am a wimp when it comes to the cold anyways, but today seemed colder than usual. I also spent most of the day a bit north of where I usually am because today we went to visit Green Mountain College.

I used to go to that general area when I was little because my Great Grandmother lived there. Some of my best memories are of the camping trips/family reunions we would have every summer in Rupert. It’s so open. It’s also a farming community, so you can’t drive a mile down the road without seeing at least one farm. I love it there.

I fell in love with Green Mountain’s campus. It has a huge library, a wellness center, beautiful trees, and my favorite part- a student run organic farm. They have crops and animals. They use all the food on campus too, 15% of the food eaten at GMC comes from the farm. I have been a member of 4-H since I was 8, and I really love farms. This school just seems like a perfect fit socially.

The unfortunate part (and there always is one) is that I cannot seem to find a perfect match study-wise. I want to open my own restaurant and have a farm. I looked at the business class at GMC and found that it really isn’t what I’m looking for. They have hospitality management, but it is on a different campus and focuses more on hotels. I left GMC confused and frustrated.

On the ride back home I realized how badly I want the real college experience. I want a real campus with dorms and a library. At New England Culinary Institute there is no campus. It is basically a restaurant that I would pay to work at and learn to run. I wouldn’t be sleeping in a dorm, but in a regular house that I would share with other people. It wouldn’t be bad, but it would be different from the way most people experience college.

I really hope I can figure something out soon. It seems like I need to look at some other colleges. Exactly what I didn’t want to do. The more I look at, the more stressed I get. Not to mention the scholarship applications I need to fill out regardless of which college I am going to. Those are already starting to pile up on my desk!

I did get my pendant from Such Pretty Colors today. That put a welcome smile on my face. =)