Sorry For The Mess, My Brain Exploded

So here's how it went! I think I rocked the ServSafe Exam. It was waaay easier than I expected. What scared me the most was what pathogens caused which diseases and there weren't many questions about that. My math exam was also easy. The movie for my computer class came out... okay. It's really not that great, but whatever. The interview? No, just no. It's not that it went badly. I passed. I was nervous, but that wasn't the issue either. You know how you're scared for something so you prep like mad? I did that. Have you ever forgotten everything you wanted to say as soon as you were asked even after all that prepping? I did that too. I answered the questions directly, but didn't elaborate or say anything I had planned to say. And he threw me some curve balls that I hadn't planned for or ever even thought about. Don't ask me what they were because I can't remember. All I know is that after the interview I felt completely crushed. Like every professional choice I've made up to this point has been wrong. I don't really get why. I'm just so scared. What if I did choose wrong? What if I'm not cut out to be a manager? I want to be back in high school where things were easy and a lot less scary. I just went to class because I had to. But I liked it. I've always been so good in a classroom setting. Hands-on has never been my thing. What a stupid choice for me to make, going to a hands-on school. I'm not cut out to live in the real world and do real things. I wish there were someone here to talk to about it. Ranting like this helps but it doesn't make me feel better. I want someone who knows me to look at me and tell me how stupid I'm being, how can I think that. And I want to believe them. Even if my cousin were here to tell me that I wouldn't believe her. I'm not a leader. Why am I trying to be one? I'm too sensitive. Too insecure. Too shy. My brain doesn't work that way. Even my teachers knew it. I remember when my English teacher told me how surprised he was when I chose to go to NECI. He said I'd be a good scholar. I know I would be, I told him, but this is stable. I could study for the rest of my life and be the happiest person in the world, but you just can't live that way. Yes, I love food. I love feeding people. The interviewer said he saw passion when I mentioned my plans for a restaurant that feeds families. Yes, I want to do that. At least I think I do. I'm questioning everything now, and it's scaring the crap out of me. I don't like it.

Why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't I go to a regular university, party, go to class, and not care what my plans were for the rest of my life? Or why couldn't I have been blessed with some amazing talent that's wicked profitable? Why can't this be easy?

I'll look at this later and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. These are my emotions at their rawest. The totally uncensored, insecure, Me. I don't think I like me. I'm kind of pathetic. Does everyone feel this way? Do they all hide it? HOW?

I wasn't sure if I wanted to publish this post. Debating back and forth. It makes me look stupid. I shouldn't care, it's my blog. You like having readers, though, don't you? Yes. And you had 8 comments on that last post. Oh well. They don't have to read and comment on this if they don't want to.

So, fuck it. It's published. Hello, cyber world! This is me! I'm really sorry if you actually read all this. I am in a weird mood. And I ate a lot of melted Ben & Jerry's Cheesecake Brownie Ice Cream. Hi new people who commented on my last post! Sorry for the mess. My brain likes to explode sometimes.

I figured I would share a few things about myself for anyone who hasn’t been here before and may have decided to stop by after reading my guest post at Mrs. B’s.

When I first started this blog it was meant to be a way for me to meet and talk to other Pagans. If you read my posts you can tell that it has transformed from that to me talking about my whole life. So, about me- I am 18, I’m Pagan, I love literature, and I’m currently a freshman at the New England Culinary Institute where I am majoring in Hospitality and Restaurant Management. While here I am developing a plan for the restaurant I want to own and manage. I just realized that I haven’t actually clued any of my blog buddies in on what my restaurant plans are, so that’s a post you can all look forward to at some point soon!

My blog is really just a place for me to record where my path is taking me. I talk about what I’m learning in life, what I do (not much), and a whole bunch of random stuff that no one probably cares about. I hope if you’ve never been here before you decide to keep reading, I love finding new blogs to read.

Random Fact: Keene, NH- the biggest "city" near my hometown- had the world record for most jack-o'-lanterns carved and lit in one place, until Boston beat us in 2006.

On The Road Again....

Yup, it's Friday! That means that tonight after our final classes my cousin and I will be packing my car and taking that long drive back home. Okay- it's only 1 1/2 hours if she drives, closer to 2 hours if I drive. It just feels like forever! As much as I am looking forward to my weekend and going home, I had a very good week here in Montpelier. Classes have been going well. I'm handling the stress easily now. I am sleeping better. Overall I think I am almost adjusted to college life! How exciting is that? Now I just need to make some friends and I might actually have something to do on weekends that would tempt me to stay up here.

At home last weekend I was supposed to do tons of baking and such, but the fact is I never got around to it. I was kept busy the whole time with other things. This weekend I might have some time! Last weekend I went to an Alan Jackson concert (I forgot to mention that, didn't I?) and it ate up a whole afternoon. This weekend I will have a few school projects to work on, but I am going to make time for fun! Like eating at a couple awesome restaurants (one of which I am considering as my internship site!) and getting outside in the cool Autumn air. Who knows, I might even get the chance to play with a certain little 2-year-old who I haven't seen in two months! Oh crap... he's 3 now! I missed his birthday.... So it looks like I need to do some shopping as well! What do you give a little kid who has everything?

I will be checking in with the blog-world, even if it's just briefly to see what wonderful things Mrs. B. is giving away! Yes, she works weekends. It is the 31 Days of Halloween! So make all her work worth-while and go see her! Say "Hi!" And don't forget to thank her, because she really has put in a ton of work to make this amazing event happen.

I may not be leaving until 5 o' clock, but how about some driving music?

Born Under a Balsamic Moon

Last week my parents went to The Big E (a fair)and while there they bought my sister and I these cool necklaces with a picture of the moon we were born under. My sister was born just before the full moon, while I was born just before the new moon. Together we complete eachother! When my parents saw this they decided that they had to buy the necklaces.

The moon I was born under is called a Balsamic moon. What moon were you born under? You can enter your birth date here and find out. When you do find out, this website has some great info about the different phases people are born under.

Here is what it says for the Balsamic Moon:

The Balsamic Phase is the last phase of the Moon's cycle. This is the time of adjustment from one cycle to another. It is the bridge between the past and the future. People born at this time are finishing an eight phase cycle of lifetimes. Therefore, this lifetime is a very karmic one. There is a pattern of very intense, all-consuming although short term relationships with people from the past including other lifetimes. These karmic ties are in need of resolution before continuing on into the next new cycle. These people often have pronounced psychic abilities. They are the visionaries seeing years ahead of their times. As children they often feel apart from their peers; they are loners. Balsamic Moon people are able to take the true meaning of a situation, distill it into its wisdom essence and plant it into the awareness of others. They are the gurus. Their job is the transmission of essential knowledge which will germinate at the next level during the next Lunation Cycle.

BALSAMIC NATAL PHASE, 315 deg - 360 deg.

If you were born during the Lunar Cycle of the Balsamic Phase...

This is a very karmic lifetime in which you are meeting all those with which you have unfinished business from the previous seven lifetimes before this one. Therefore, you may encounter many brief, but intense relationships. There is a need for completion, a sense of closure to occur concerning these individuals. This can be confusing at times. It may be helpful to ask the question either to the person or to yourself, "Is there anything I've ever needed to say, do or give to you, let me do it now. If there is anything you've needed to say, do or give to me let's not put it off any longer, let us complete it now." If you cannot finish something in person, you need to ask in meditation to be released, possibly to forgive or to be forgiven. Having a full past of prior lifetimes to reflect upon, you are a born visionary, a natural psychic with a bridge to the future.

You realized at an early age that you were different and may have pretended to be like everyone else to fend off alienation from peers. You may have been described as an unusual child, and may have even been regarded as the black sheep of the family. Others will recognize your special-ness. One of your unique qualities is to be able to take the key meaning of all situations and distill it into its wisdom essence. You can then transfer this awareness and consciousness in others to live beyond this physical life. Your commitment is to the future. By reckoning with the past, you can consciously make a break with it. You sense that something larger than yourself can manifest through you if you make the commitment to allow it to do so. For one to understand you at all one needs to look at what is happening THROUGH you. The transmission of essential knowledge is your purpose.

I'm Back and I DID IT!!

Yes I am back from the fair, finally! I smell like a cow because everyone wanted to shower before me. I had to drag all the dirty clothes downstairs to start washing them. I'm covered in mud because of the massive thunder storm we got last night. My feet hurt, and I lost my cute toe ring. But, I am happier than I have been in a while.

Since I started working at my summer job in that factory I come home feeling like I've accomplished nothing. That's because I sit at a machine all day, so I really am accomplishing nothing. I've loved the last two days. I was running around doing this or that, I was always busy with something. That is real work. No matter how much I complain about it, I really do love doing farm stuff.

Reason number two I am so happy is because I finally got my license!! My dad drove up to the fair on Wednesday morning so I could use his car for the test. My aunt took me. I practiced backing into a space before the test and I kept messing it up. I didn't park well at all on the test either... but I still passed! This is a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel more relieved than I did when I graduated.

Now that I can drive myself around I don't need to ask my parents for rides to the store. I can go visit my friends. I can go places by myself. And I can go find a new toe ring to replace that one I lost in the mud at the fair! I almost don't want today to end. Tomorrow I have to go back to work. Saturday I am going back to the fair to help in the 4-H ice cream booth. And I might be working on Sunday to make up for lost time... if not then who knows what I'll be doing. Maybe I'll actually drive somewhere.

Thank you to everyone who has been wishing me a happy Lammas! I wish you all a happy Lammas, too. I would really like to bake some bread this weekend. I have no clue what the weather will be like, though. I'll definitely spend some time outside. We'll probably get fresh corn on the cob (we know the best place in town to buy it!) and cook food on the grill.

Graduation

It's done and over with! It doesn't seem real. I feel like today didn't really happen. But I graduated today! The weather was great. No rain, and not too hot. We were all really scared we would end up having it in the gym- which would not have been fun with the humidity!

I got a lot of awards and scholarships. I really don't feel like listing them- but I got over $10,000 in scholarships. That'll take a dent out of my college tuition! The ceremony went off perfectly- for us at least. I'm sure the principal will have a few complaints. Andreas 'accidentally' falling down the stairs after receiving his diploma. Or how we all threw our caps in the air like he asked us not to. It was great.

The best part for me, though, was afterwards. I got to spend the whole day eating good food (a lot of desserts!) and hanging out with the people who mean the most to me. It seems kind of silly, how much I enjoy just spending time with my whole family.

It's 9:30 and I'm exhausted. No parties for me. I don't drink (even though I believe the drinking age should be 18) because my parents don't want me to. My Aunt Jen did give me a bottle of strawberry rum as a joke, though. It's going to sit on my shelf for a little while I guess!

I start my summer job on Monday. I'll be working in a factory packaging mascara bottles. My mom works there, so she got me the job. It won't be fun, but it's money! And thank gods it's only temporary. I wish I could take a week off. I'm going "out of the frying pan, into the fire" as everyone keeps saying. I'll take my break at the end of the summer right before I leave for school, though.

Tackling The To Do List

I am happy to report that my Sunday to do list is shrinking! Sunday is the day I get stuff done since I babysat all day Saturday again. I'm glad that I've gotten so much done, even if I still have stuff to do. Great joy in small victories, right?

I woke up and immediately wanted to go back to bed this morning. I've been sick the past couple days. Friday was the senior class trip to Boston (oh my gods it was fun! Pictures at a later date) and I ended up losing my voice due to a combo of singing/ talking loudly over music and having a cold. I had a wicked sore throat yesterday and I can barely talk at all today.

I got up anyways and made my mental to do list. At first it consisted of three things 1- clean the house 2- use up the zucchini by making muffins and brownies (brownie recipe and more at a later date) 3- study for finals.

Not a bad list for the day. Then it grew. The house was dirtier than I thought, cooking takes forever when my dad starts making spaghetti while I'm making zucchini muffins, I forgot that I also need to make bread for myself for the week, I needed to eat & relax, go on the exercise bike, and I wanted to catch up on blogs.

Once I'm done writing this I only have to make my bread and study for finals.I don't even have to make dinner! Mom got Pizza Hut and there is some left.

The finals for tomorrow are:
AP English (easy exam!)
and Personal Finance (stressing over!)

Then graduation practices also start tomorrow. And I have a NHS meeting and then senior NHS members have dinner with Mr. Sullivan. I don't think I'll even have the chance to get near a computer. Any free time I have will be spent cramming for the French final I have on Tuesday! French is easliy my toughest class- this learning a second language thing is hard.

Off to throw some stuff in a breadmaker and then cram my head full of knowledge about finances.

A Look At My Weekend

I had a very busy, fun, awesome weekend! Friday night I saw Up! with my sister and some friends. It's a very good movie and I suggest seeing it. In the previews I saw that Disney is coming out with a new princess movie! As expected it's one based on an old popular fairy tale- The Princess and The Frog. I am wicked excited and can't wait to go see it when it comes out!

That night my friends and I stayed up to make new Free Hugs signs.


Apparently Anastasia wanted to be in the picture, because when I tried to move her she just ran right back up there.

Saturday was the Strolling of the Heifers parade in the next town over, so we went to see that. Tons of fun! Here are the pictures I took of that.

After the parade my friends and I walked around with our Free Hugs signs. We got a bunch of hugs! Free Hugs is one of my favorite things to do. It really brightens peoples days, and you can't help but walk away from each hug with a smile.

Some Of My Favorite Things

Guess what? This is my 200th post! I didn't know I'd done that many! I've been thinking about what some of my favorite things are lately... I guess now is as good a time as any to post them. Some are odd, but oh well.

Mac-n-Cheese
Yup, it's probably my all-time favorite food. I don't think I could ever get sick of eating it. I'm picky, though. I don't like homemade mac-n-cheese. I've grown up with the boxed stuff, and I just like it better than any homemade kind I've tried.

Disney Movies
I am such a little kid... I've grown up with Disney movies and I still love watching them. The other day when I said I wanted to just sit and watch a movie? I watched The Rescuers. My favorite Disney movie of all time is Pete's Dragon, though. When we were little my cousin and I used to ask to watch "Pizza Dragon!" And we always fell asleep watching it. I still end up falling asleep half way through it.

The Sound of Peepers
It's just one of those comforting sounds... I love falling asleep listening to them.

The Smell of Cigarette Smoke
This is my comfort smell. Weird, right? Most people hate this smell! All the adults I've grown up around smoke, though. It brings back memories and makes me feel relaxed. I know how bad it is; but there's no stopping them from smoking, and I like being around my family.

These are just a few of my favorite things. I could list more... but I've got blondies to bake!

Prom Pics!

I finally have prom pics to post!

I actually had a minor freak out right before my mom tried to take pictures of me. I started crying because my hair would not do what I wanted it to! So, there aren't many of just me. Honestly- I don't really like how I look in any of these pics. xD I hated all the picture taking before prom, I had fun once we got there at least!


Me getting my hair done by my Aunt Taunya.

Me.

My cousin Sam and her boyfriend Collin.

A big group of us at prom, notice that I ended up pulling my hair into a ponytail? I couldn't deal with that frizzy mess!

Another group pic, before prom though.

Sam & Me

Emeline & Amy!

Sharing Smiles and Laughs

First- I was wrong about the title of my post yesterday. I'm not finding myself, I'm creating myself. I didn't think of it until after, but that's from one of my favorite quotes. "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." - George Bernard Shaw. It's as true as can be in my mind.

I want to share some cool things with you all. A couple of things that just make me smile.


I made cookies for my mom to bring to work one day a while ago. As a thank you, her boss brought me back some cool stuff from Mexico where he went scuba diving. Shells and sand, and a shot glass.


I don't know how, but I convinced my parents to let me get some flowers from the grocery store when we went shopping on Friday. Aren't they pretty? I was wanting some all winter long, they brighten up the house and smell SO nice.



This week's Joy Rebel Mission was to laugh. So I immediately looked up a comedian that I have been meaning to listen to again. Rodney Carrington is hilarious! The Chicken Song is one of his best ones.


Boho Mom passed this award on to me. Thank you!

Here are the rules:
Copy & paste this award to your blog.
List 7 of your favorite things and pass it along to at least 7 others

Okay!

1- Blogging. I just mentioned this yesterday actually. Blogging has become one of my favorite things to do. It gives me a connection that I haven't found anywhere else.

2- Journaling. Once I started journaling last night I couldn't stop. It is just a helpful thing. I can be more honest when I'm journaling for myself than at any other time.

3- Watching chick flicks with my sister. When Tia and I watch movies together it's a form of connecting. We're both old enough now where I can sense a real close relationship forming. I think I'm going to miss just sitting watching TV with her more than anything when I leave for college.

4- Laughing! Who doesn't love laughing, though? It makes me feel better.

5- Playing with Keagan. Keagan is the 2 1/2-year-old I babysit. He's the cutest kid in the world, smart as heck, and FUN! I sleep so well the days I watch him. His parents are family friends so at least it's not weird when I go over and ask if I can watch him. We all start to miss him if we don't see him every other week.

6- Just going and hanging out at my Aunt Jen's house. Her house is the kind of place where people randomly show up. My mom's side of the family is huge, and very close. I love to just be around them. They bring out the best in me. There is always jokes, laughter, food, and probably someone getting tackled to the ground when we get together.

7- Learning. It's so important to me. If I could afford it I'd just go and take every interesting college course out there. I can't, though. xP So I'm going to a school where I know I'll have a job when I'm done.

I pass this one on to all of you!

Sharing

I want to thank you all for the wishing and the advice I received yesterday! I am now journaling through The Sunflower, and that is helping me a lot. This type of journaling seems so different and natural compared to the journaling I did when I was involved with Soul Coaching. Whenever I write I find myself writing for some other person. A reader. With this I am writing for my own understanding, and it's liberating! I'm being more honest than I can be with other people. We are discussing this book in class, and when I talk about it I'm almost scared to communicate my feelings on it.

I have been the quiet person in school for years. This year I have opened up more, and it's scaring me. I'm afraid of other people not liking the person I am. I'm afraid that one of these days I'll hear that the are making fun of me behind my back, like they do to other people. Just as I decide to open up and not worry if they like me or not, that fear grips my stomach. I started closing out others in elementary school when being so open about everything first started to make me miserable. For a while I absolutely hated going to school. Then as I stopped sharing what I thought, I found that people stopped paying attention to me. I made it through school with the few friends I had, and I was happy. Now I'm becoming more vocal, and I'm getting that same reaction I got in elementary school. That same unsaid but clear "Shut up, Tori. We don't want you to share who you are with us. We don't care." It hurt me then, and it hurts now.

I think that is part of the reason I always write for the reader. Every time I try to write or speak for myself it comes back on me negatively. I remember my friends finding the journal I kept for myself in middle school. When they read it I got so angry. They picked on me about it, and that put me off journaling for a few years. I'm glad I decided to journal again, though. I have a notebook that I can turn to when I feel overwhelmed by things. Getting the thoughts out of my head is sometimes the most helpful thing I can do. It keeps me sane! Once the thoughts are out there, I can stop obsessing over them. It's therapy. =)